


Frozen Fire

by oxymoronic93



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Dark Past, F/M, Responsibility, Romance, Secrets, Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-04-17 12:43:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 28
Words: 50,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14189220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oxymoronic93/pseuds/oxymoronic93
Summary: A retelling of the events in Dragon Age: Inquisition but through both the eyes of the Inquisitor and Cullen. The story does diverge from the main plot but the events stay largely the same.Ellana leaves the safety of her clan only to be thrown into the chaos of the human world. She ends up staying and falling in love with Commander Cullen. She thinks he's everything she isn't while he thinks she's everything he isn't. They struggle with admitting their true feelings due to their position and responsiblities. More importantly, Cullen struggles with revealing his dark past to her for fear of her thinking less of him. She, on the other hand, bears her burdens internally. What secrets does she have (if any)?





	1. What's Going On Out There?

Ellana was excited. Finally, she would be allowed out of the Free Marches to observe Ferelden society. Her clan has always been open with humans, so long as they reciprocate. However, observing trade was not the same as seeing their day to day life.

“Ellana!” It was Keeper Deshanna. “Have you prepared for your trip?”

“Of course.”

“And your mission?”

“Observe the conclave and the consequences.” After the events in the nearby Kirkwall, her Keeper was worried. Unlike other clans, Deshanna was wise to heed the cities’ events.  Although it often seemed like it, they did not live on an island, naive to the rest of the world's chaos. Despite Deshanna’s protests, Ellana insisted she go even if it was logical to send someone else. Someone of lesser importance than the clan’s First as the mission could prove dangerous should the Conclave be less than amicable. Likely, given the tensions, it will be bloody. In the chaos, an elven spy would not just be a passerby.

“Good,” Deshanna paused and Ellana tilted her head. She saw the subtle change in Deshanna’s eyes. “Be careful.”

“I always am.” _Why was Deshanna worried?_

Deshanna laughed and shook her head. “I just worry because it's humans you're dealing with.”

“As if this is my first encounter with them.”

“No, but-” she paused and Ellana looked quizzically back at her, waiting for her to finish her sentence. She gave one last endearing smile to her First and left, leaving Ellana extremely unsure of herself. _Does Deshanna not trust my abilities?_

Ellana set out shortly after. She found herself revisiting her earlier excitement with another reason: silence--save for the sounds of the wilderness. It provided a safe haven for introspection. She contemplated Deshanna’s reaction. Ellana has always excelled in her position as First. She was adept in magic and trained as Deshanna’s First. She was taught history, manners, and grace necessary to interact with humans. Perhaps it was due to the novelty of the event. Ellana has never left her clan for an extended solitary mission, let alone, to observe a human political event. In essence, though, it was a solo stealth mission that Ellana has done many times before. _So why did Deshanna show a moment of doubt?_


	2. Hush

She thanked the stealthy skills she picked up working with the hunters in her clan. It made infiltrating the Conclave child’s play. However, that was the last thing she remembered truly happening.

 _Her hand._ Possibly something green? _It's searing._ A glowing figure? _Don't show weakness to your enemies._ Who was that, but most importantly where is she now? _It’s glowing green._ She had been captured and guards were standing post. _When did she get this mark?_ She heard footsteps arriving and silenced her thoughts. Two women enter, one circles her while the other stares unwaveringly.

”Tell me why we shouldn’t kill you now. The Conclave is destroyed. Everyone who attended is dead.” Her eyes narrowed, “Except for you.”

No point in adding fuel to the fire. Ellana had no answers for the woman. Better to remain silent, unable to self-incriminate. The woman grabs Ellana’s marked hand and yells, “Explain this!” The hand glows in response.

“I can’t,” she said simply.

“What do you mean, you can’t?”

“I don’t know what that is or how it got there.”

The woman lunged at Ellana. “You’re lying!”

The other woman pulls her off of Ellana. “We need her, Cassandra.”

“What now?” If they were going to do something, drop the act. It was the typical interrogation technique: one good guard, one bad guard.

The other woman spoke, “Do you remember what happened? How this began?”

“I remember running. Things were chasing me. And then...a woman?”

“A woman?”

“She reached out to me, but then…” Ellana’s voice trailed off. _Who was that?_

The woman named Cassandra tells the other woman, “Go to the forward camp, Leliana. I will take her to the rift.” Leliana exits and Cassandra begins to remove the shackles.

“So, what did happen?”

“It will be easier to show you.”

Outside, she saw it. The massive swirling green scar in the sky. It looked like a green tornado that touched down to the ground somewhere in the distance.“We call it the Breach. It’s a massive rift into the world of demons that grows larger with each passing hour. It’s not the only such rift, just the largest. All were caused by the explosion at the conclave.”

 _What kind of magic could tear open a rift?_ “It couldn’t have been just an explosion.”

“I don’t know, but unless we act, the breach may grow until it swallows the world.”

The mark glows again, angrily searing her. Ellana collapses to the ground. She grimaces, trying to control the pain from taking over her body. Cassandra’s face softens for a second, “Each time the Breach expands, your mark spread...and it is killing you. It may be the key to stopping this but there isn’t much time.”

No wonder they suspected her. As the Breach grows, so does her mark. This answers the questions she had previously: why they needed her and why they think she was guilty. “I understand.” She was on this ride whether she liked it or not, but as Deshanna has taught her, their problems are often our problems.

“Then…?”

“I’ll do what I can. Whatever it takes.”

As they walked through the village, she saw the scowls in the villagers’ faces. She averted their gaze. Cassandra noticed this. “They have decided your guilt.” She goes on to explain their hope was riding on Divine Justinia to ending the war between mages and templars. Now that she is dead, they need to put the blame on someone.

 _Templars._ She heard of them but never encountered one herself. They largely left Dalish mages alone so she did not know a lot but there have been recent reports that they were hunting Dalish mages now. They walked on and Cassandra continued to explain that she may be put on trial after this.

Ellana sighed at the feebleness of her situation. Rot in a jail cell or help them and get executed anyways although there was a chance to prove her innocence this way. “Where are we going?”

“Your mark must be tested on something smaller than the Breach.”

She tried again to remember what she saw at the Conclave, to no avail. After some distance, the mark flares again, pain surging through her body. She collapses again and Cassandra helps her up.

“The pulses are coming faster now. The larger the Breach grows, the more rifts appear, the more demons we face.”

Grimacing through the pain, she asks, “How _did_ I survive the blast?”

“They said you…” she hesitated, “stepped out of a rift, then fell unconscious. They say a woman was in the rift behind you. No one knows who she was. Everything farther in the valley was laid waste, including the Temple of Sacred Ashes. I suppose you’ll see soon enough.”


	3. I'll Protect You

They travelled in silence until they reached the second bridge. A green meteor comes flying and crashes into the bridge. Before they had time to react, Ellana and Cassandra come tumbling down onto the frozen river. If her hand wasn’t hurting enough, now her whole body ached from the crash. Another meteor comes flying from the Breach towards them but this time, a demon steps out. Cassandra had already gotten up and pulled her sword out. “Stay behind me!”

Another shade appears in front of Ellana. She looks around quickly and finds a staff. The familiar feeling of magic surging and channeling through the staff gave her comfort--it was something familiar to this arcanic day. She quickly conjured a barrier upon herself as the demon closed in. It reeled back to wind up a slash but she shoots out a spell of ice, fracturing and freezing the demon to stop its attack. She quickly finishes it off and proceeds to assist Cassandra with the demons attacking her. They take them out with ease.

Ellana lowered her weapon and lets out a breath.

Cassandra’s runs over with her sword raised, “Drop your weapon. _Now._ ”

“If you’re going to lead me through a demon-infested valley, you’ll have to trust me.”

“Give me one reason to trust you.”

Ellana’s eyes narrowed, “Because my life is on the line.”

Cassandra sighs and starts to sheath her sword, “You’re right. You don’t need a staff, but you should have one. I cannot protect you, and I cannot expect you to be defenseless. I should remember that you agreed to come willingly.” She rummaged in her pack and pulled out some potions, “Take these potions. Maker knows what we will face.”

“Where are all your soldiers?”

“At the forward camp, or fighting. We are on our own, for now.”

They continued on, meeting demons every so often. Cassandra gives her advice on how to approach the demons, though appreciated, is not new knowledge for Ellana. She has fought her fair share of battles as the First. She held her tongue and nodded, no need to worsen the shaky alliance or give Cassandra her life story.

“We’re getting close to the rift. You can hear the fighting.”

“Who’s fighting?”

“You’ll see soon. We must help them.”

They reach the top of the stairs and see another elf, a dwarf, and a couple of soldiers. The dwarf used a crossbow and the elf was using Winter magic. They quickly dispatch the demons and the elf rushes over to her. He grabs her marked hand, “Quickly, before more come through!” He raises it up to the rift and she felt the pressure raising. It stopped hurting in that moment, replaced with a cool tingling. It felt like she was applying pressure onto the mark. The rift convulsed and her hand let out a continuous low-tonal hum. The rift shrunk until it closed.

She turned to the elf, “What did you do?” The pain was quickly returning.

“ _I_ did nothing. The credit is yours,” he smiled.

She looks down at the mark and murmured, “At least this is good for something.”

“Whatever magic opened the Breach in the sky also placed that mark upon your hand. I theorized the mark might be able to close the rifts that have opened in the Breach’s wake--and it seems I was correct.”

Relief washed over Cassandra’s face, “Meaning it could also close the Breach itself.”

“Possibly,” he turned to Ellana now, “it seems you hold the key to our salvation.”

The dwarf finally spoke up, his voice full of life, “Good to know! Here I thought we’d be ass-deep in demons forever.” He walks up to Ellana, introducing himself, “Varric Tethras: rogue, storyteller, and occasionally unwelcome tagalong.” He winks at Cassandra and she makes a disgusted noise.

Ellana didn’t know what to make of the flippant dwarf, but it was like a breath of fresh air amidst the seriousness of the situation. “Are you with the Chantry, or…?”

The elf gave a hearty laugh, “Was that a serious question?”

Varric smiled, “Technically, I’m a prisoner, just like you.” Her brows furrowed at that fact. They must be very desperate to let both prisoners fight their battles.

Cassandra glares at him, “I brought you here to tell your story to the Divine. Clearly, that is no longer necessary,” she says flatly.

“Yet, here I am. Lucky for you, considering current events.”

Ellana smiled back, amused they share an unfortunate circumstance, “It’s good to meet you, Varric.”

“You may reconsider that stance, in time,” the elf said.

“Aww. I’m sure we’ll become great friends in the valley, Solas.”

Cassandra immediate turned to Varric. If her eyes were daggers, it would pierce through Varric a hundred times over. “Absolutely, not. Your help is appreciated Varric, but…”

“Have you been in the valley lately, Seeker? Your soldiers aren’t in control anymore. You need me,” he grinned at the last fact.

Cassandra made another disgusted sound.

Solas turned to Ellana. “My name is Solas, if there are to be introductions. I’m pleased to see you still live.”

“He means, ‘I kept that mark from killing you while you slept,'” Varric said.

Curious, Ellana stated, “You seem to know a great deal about it all.”  
No longer glaring at Varric, Cassandra turns to Ellana and says, “Like you, Solas is an apostate.”  
“Technically, all mages are now apostates, Cassandra,” he corrects. “My travels have allowed me to learn much of the Fade, far beyond the experience of any Circle mage. I came to offer whatever help I can give with the Breach. If it is not closed, we are all doomed regardless of origin.”

Ellana nods, “If I can close the Breach, I will.” She was now extremely curious about Solas. Absentmindedly making note to ask more about his knowledge later.

“And you are…?” Varric asked.

She hadn't realized, no one even knows her. “Ellana Lavellan, First of Clan Lavellan.”

“Oh-o, we're in the company of a First. I know another First, a little crazy though.” Varric grinned at his implication.

Solas seemed uninterested. Unsurprising to Ellana as she surmised he probably wasn't Dalish.“Cassandra, you should know: the magic involved here is unlike any I have ever seen. Your prisoner is a mage, but I find it difficult to imagine any mage having such power.”

Cassandra somberly nods, “Understood. We must get to the forward camp

They continued to battle through more demons as they got closer to the temple, sealing another rift before they reached the forward camp. With the way cleared, Cassandra calls for the gate to open. Upon entering, Ellana could hear a man and woman arguing. She recognized the woman’s voice--it was Leliana. The man was dressed in chantry clothing and she quickly learned his name in the argument: Chancellor Roderick. They argued about what to do and whether they should turn Ellana over to Val Royeaux to get executed. Ellana’s eyes narrowed at this. She had to think of an escape plan but the nearest exit was behind her, next to a bunch of soldiers. Cassandra immediately lashes back at the Chancellor Roderick and they continue to argue whose orders they should follow.

Ellana crosses her arms. The pain getting worse by the second. Ellana is many things, but patience is not one of them. Unable to take it any longer, she interjects, “Don’t talk about me like I’m not here.”

Roderick stood there incredulous, “You shouldn’t even _be_ here! Call a retreat, Seeker. Our position here is hopeless.”

“We can stop this before it’s too late,” Cassandra said as she shook her head.

“How? You won’t survive long enough to reach the temple, even with all your soldiers.”

“We must get to the temple. It’s the quickest route.  
Leliana shook her head, “But not the safest. Our forces can charge as a distraction while we go through the mountains.”  
“We lost contact with an entire squad on that path. It’s too risky.”  
“Listen to me. Abandon this now, before more lives are lost,” Roderick continues to urge. At that moment, Ellana’s mark glows again. She winces.  
Cassandra notices and asked, “How do you think we should proceed?”

At the end of her patience, she glares at them all, “Now you’re asking me what _I_ think?”

She jumped when Solas responded, forgetting Varric and him were behind her, “You have the mark.”

Cassandra nods, “And you are the one we must keep alive. Since we cannot agree on our own…”

_Y_ _ou don’t say?_ She sighed and quieted her thoughts about the pain. She wanted to get there as soon as possible and much rather put herself at risk than the other soldiers. It was an easy decision, “Use the mountain path. It’s quicker and I’d rather risk my life than others’.”

Cassandra gave her a curt nod, “Leliana. Bring everyone left in the valley. Everyone.”

Roderick glowers, “On your head be the consequences, Seeker.” Ellana thought she noticed Cassandra pause mid-step when she heard that. 

* * *

Ellana and the rest made it through the mountain path with no difficulty. They find some corpses that Varric believes were the missing squad but Cassandra was convinced the squad was much larger than this. She was not wrong, they found the rest fighting near another rift. Ellana was getting better at closing the rifts. She gave herself a small smile, internally praising herself for saving the squad. The Lieutenant and the rest of the squad saluted her upon finding out that Ellana was the reason they were still alive.

Ellana gave them a small smile in return. She turned around and locked eyes with Solas, who quickly turned away. Her gaze was interrupted by Cassandra’s booming voice, “The way into the valley behind us is clear for the moment. Go, while you still can.”

The soldiers left and Solas redirected the party back to their goal. They were very close to the temple now.

The party approaches the ruins. “The Temple of Sacred Ashes,” Solas said with a voice of wonderment.

“What’s left of it, ” Varric grumbled.

Cassandra points and turns to Ellana, “That is where you walked out the Fade and our soldiers found you. They said a woman was in the rift behind you. No one knows who she was.”  
  
When they enter the temple, Varric cranes his neck to look at the Breach, “The Breach is a long way up.”

Just then, Ellana hears many footsteps behind them. It was Leliana and her soldiers.

“You’re here! Thank the Maker,” Leliana said.

“Leliana, have your men take up positions around the temple,” Cassandra commanded. Leliana nodded and walked away to give directions. Cassandra turns back to Ellana,“This is your chance to end this. Are you ready?”

Ellana’s gaze up to the Breach did not break. “Sure, but I’m not sure how to even start getting up to that thing.”

“No,” Solas said. “This rift was the first and is the key. Seal it, and perhaps we seal the Breach.”

Cassandra nodded, “Then let’s find a way down. And be careful.”

As they got closer to the rift, they begin hearing a booming voice belonging to a man. Although the voice was loud, they all knew it was some sort of remnant remaining here. The voice did not seem to originate from any direction but rather, internally from each and every one of them. The voice was also warped in and out. “Now is the hour of our victory. Bring forth the sacrifice.” Ellana couldn’t help but feel like she had heard this before.

“What are we hearing,” Cassandra asked for everyone.

“At a guess: the person who created the Breach,” Solas stated.

As they descended, they encountered extremely large red crystals growing out of the ground. “You know this stuff is red lyrium, Seeker,” Varric said uncomfortably.

“I see it, Varric.”

“But what’s it _doing_ here?”

“Magic could have drawn on lyrium beneath the temple, corrupted it…” Solas hypothesized.

“It’s evil.” Varric turned to Ellana, “Whatever you do don’t touch it.” He seemed very uneasy now. For some reason, she wanted to ignore Varric’s warnings and reach out and touch it out of curiosity but she quickly shook that thought out of her head.

Then the booming voice returned, “Keep the sacrifice still!”

“Someone help me,” yelled a woman’s voice.

Cassandra gasped, “That is Divine Justinia’s voice!”

“What’s going on here,” a third voice asked. Ellana recognized that one--that was her.

Ellana was not alone in recognizing her voice. Cassandra immediately inquired, “That was your voice. Most Holy called out to you. But…”

Then a ghostly image of Ellana, Justinia, and what was presumably the male voice appeared. “Run while you can! Warn them,” Justinia yelled.

“We have an intruder,” said the male voice. “Slay the elf!”

“You _were_ there,” Cassandra said exasperatedly. “Who attacked? And the Divine, is she…” her voice was growing desperate. “Was this vision true? What are we seeing?”

Ellana had no answers, “I don’t remember!”

Again, Solas had an answer, “Echoes of what happened here. The Fade bleeds into this place.” Now in front of the rift,  he says, “This rift is not sealed, but it is closed...albeit temporarily. I believe with the mark, the rift can be opened and then sealed properly and safely. However, opening the rift will likely attract attention from the other side.”

Cassandra immediately snaps out of it, “That means demons. Stand ready!” She commanded the soldiers and they readied their blades and arrows. “Now!”

Ellana raised her hand, the feeling was slightly different this time. This time, it felt like someone was pulling something out of her mark. The same hum came on and the rift tore open. Out stepped a Pride demon. Cassandra noticed that the Pride demon was drawing energy directly from the rift, making it invulnerable. She called Ellana to disrupt the rift. Ellana sends a blast towards the rift, causing it to mirror and send a blast out stunning the Pride demon. As they fought, waves of demons came out. She focused on the smaller demons that while her allies focused the Pride demon, constantly throwing Spirit barriers out to her allies. Eventually, they manage to fell the Pride demon.

“Now! Seal the rift,” Cassandra bellows as the Pride demon drops. “Do it!”

Ellana turns to the rift. This time, the pressure is overwhelming. She struggles to keep her hand pointed at the rift. She sees it closing. Then there was darkness.


	4. They Won't Get Past Me

Ellana groggily woke up. It was bright out and she could hear people all around her. Her eyes widen, suddenly remembering the predicament she was it, she jolted up in bed. This startled the other occupant in the room, causing her to drop a box. “Oh! I didn’t know you were awake, I swear!”

Ellana’s face softens, understanding immediately what this woman’s job was. She was not bound so she knew she was not put in hostile hands. She was also in clothes she did not recognize. “Where am I,” Ellana asked as gently as possible.

“I beg your forgiveness and your blessing,” the elven woman said as she clasped her hands together and dropped to her knees. “I am but a humble servant.” _Well, that didn’t work._ Ellana was trying to avoid alarming the woman. “You’re back in Haven, my lady,” she continues. “They say you saved us. The breach stopped growing, just like the mark on your hand. It’s all anyone has talked about for the last three days!” That was a lot to take in. Yes, her hand still had lingering pain although it seemed silent in comparison to before. The main cause of concern was that she had been out for three days. That was probably enough time for them to deliberate on what they would do with her. Again, she wasn’t bound so perhaps they still needed her as the Breach still existed.

“What happens now?”

“I don’t know anything about that. I’m sure Lady Cassandra will want to know you’ve wakened. She said ‘at once’!”

“And where is she?”

“In the Chantry with the Lord Chancellor. ‘At once,’ she said,” the elf repeated. She hurries out of the room.

 _Great, the Chancellor again._ Ellana got out of bed. A little shaky on her feet, probably due to the lack of food for the past three days. When she exited, the soldiers immediately noticed and began ordering other soldiers to help escort her. A crowd immediately starts forming on all sides of her. If the soldiers were not there, she would have been engulfed by them. While most looked excited to get a glimpse at her, others stared disapprovingly from a distance. She overheard comments like, “That’s her. That’s the Herald of Andraste. They said when she came out of the Fade, Andraste herself was watching over her.” and “Why did Lady Cassandra have her in chains? I thought Seekers knew everything.” _So, people think I am some Herald? Of Andraste, no less?_ She had no idea what had happened the past three days but she knew Cassandra would have answers for her. She walked through the Chantry’s doors.

As she got closer to the inner sanctum, she could already overhear Chancellor Roderick and Cassandra arguing again. “Have you gone completely mad? She should be taken to Val Royeaux immediately, to be tried by whoever becomes Divine.”

“I do not believe she is guilty.” Thanks Cassandra. She paused at the door, not sure if she should interrupt. She knew she sure didn’t _want_ to.

“That is not for you to decide. Your duty is to serve the Chantry.”

“My duty is to serve the principles on which the Chantry was founded, Chancellor. As is yours.” With that, Ellana took a deep breath and steeled herself for the ensuing repercussions.

Roderick wasted no time, “Chain her. I want her prepared for travel to the capital for trial.”

Cassandra turned to the guards with a stern voice, “Disregard that, and leave us.” The soldiers nodded and closed the door behind them.

Roderick was fuming, “You walk a dangerous line, Seeker.”

“The Breach is stable, but it is still a threat. I will not ignore it.”

“So, I’m still a suspect, even after what we just did?” _Did no one else see the ridiculousness of the situation? Wait, everyone did, even the townsfolk, it was just Roderick._

“You absolutely are.”

Again, Cassandra shot him down, “No, she is not.”

Leliana interrupted Cassandra and Roderick’s staring contest as if they were trying to will each other into submitting, “Someone was behind the explosion at the Conclave. Someone Most Holy did not expect. Perhaps they died with the others--or have allies who yet live.” Leliana’s eyes narrowed as she stared at Roderick. Ellana liked Leliana’s line of thinking.

“ _I_ am a suspect?”

“You, and many others,” Leliana said not breaking her gaze.

“But _not_ the prisoner.”

“I heard the voices in the temple,” Cassandra continued to defend Ellana, “The Divine called to her for help.”

“So her survival, that _thing_ on her hand--all a coincidence?”

“Providence. The Maker sent her to us in our darkest hour.” Ellana wasn’t sure about Cassandra’s explanation but she appreciated her fervent defense.

“The Breach is stable now--what more do you want from me,” Ellana asked Roderick.

“We must try again,” Cassandra answered.

Leliana agreed, “The Breach remains and your mark is our only hope of closing it.”

“This is _not_ for you to decide,” Roderick said.

Cassandra walked over to a bookshelf and grabbed a thick book. She slams the book down on the table in front of Roderick. She goes on and talks about an Inquisition and doing what they want. Ellana just stands there confused. Roderick huffs and briskly leaves the room.

Cassandra sighs and Leliana senses Ellana’s confusion and explains to her what it is and what they can accomplish by invoking it.

Cassandra continues for Leliana, “But we have no choice: we must act now. With you at our side.”

Ellana nods, “I want to help. I wanted to since the beginning, nothing has changed that.”

Leliana seemed pleased with her response. Cassandra reaches her hand out for a handshake and Ellana gladly grabs it. “Help us fix this before it’s too late,” Cassandra said as they shook hands.

* * *

 

Ellana took the next couple of days resting and recuperating. Cassandra said Leliana, and their Commander--whom Ellana has not met--would take care of business. They would be announcing the reformation of the Inquisition to garner support and troops. Ellana had sent a message to Deshanna about her status. She had taken more time to write the letter than she had cared for. She didn’t know how Deshanna would take it. Although her Keeper was more open and liberal, no one has left the clan for as long as Ellana believed she would be gone for, which was, for an indeterminate period of time. She was also the First. At this rate, it would be likely the Second would the her place. She couldn't dwell on that thought, there's too much to attend to here than back at the clan. She hoped that Deshanna would understand, if they do not solve this issue, it would eventually engulf the entire world.

She spent her days reading the books written by Varric, specifically _The Tale of a Champion_. It was very intriguing, to say the least, especially because it happened in Ellana’s backyard. She wondered if they should have helped but she knew they wouldn't trust the Levellan Clan much like her situation now. They say she was no prisoner but she had guards that followed her and had guards posted outside her doorstep all day and all night long. They said it was for her protection as many did not think she was a Herald, but Ellana knew better. The guards’ purpose was to also defend the town from her should she prove to be the true culprit behind the Conclave or go mad because apparently, all mages do. Still, she dared to venture out of her cabin a whopping total of two times. The first to talk to Varric to get to know him better and receive a stack of reading material and the second to find Solas to discuss his knowledge of the Fade and the mark in general. She was very intrigued by Solas. She felt no physical attraction to him when she first met him but it was their conversation and debates on all things such as spirits, the Dalish, and walking in the Fade that attracted her. He was different. Knowledgeable in so many areas. They gently flirted with one another and Ellana wondered if more would come of this.

However, her time here wasn't all reading and relaxation. It was the first night that was most troubling. It had been a long time since she had any nightmares but it came as no surprise. Despite all her efforts, the chaos of the past few days left her mentally exhausted and subjected to them. Deciding it was best to not startled the guards by taking a stroll to clear her thoughts, she would continue to read until sunrise.

* * *

 

It was another sleepless night that she heard a knock on her door. It was Cassandra. “Come with me down to the Chantry, we need to discuss our next step.“

Inside the Chantry, she unconsciously stares at her mark. She doesn't notice that Cassandra noticed. “Does it trouble you?”

“Not really.”

“What’s important is that your mark is now stable, as is the Breach. You’ve given us time, and Solas believes a second attempt might succeed--provided the mark has more power. The same level of power used to open the Breach in the first place. That is not easy to come by.”

“What harm could there be in powering up something we barely understand?” Ellana said dryly. It’s not as if it was on _her_ hand or something.

“Hold on to that sense of humor.”

She walked into the room and surveyed the people in front of her. There are introductions. Cullen seemed somber at the massive loss of soldiers. Josephine was bubbly and even greeted her in Elven-- although she said that was the extent of her language. Leliana was slightly annoyed with Cassandra’s blunt introduction--she was their spymaster. They discussed the current situation. Many have deemed her the “Herald of Andraste.” Ellana doesn’t know if she was saved by some divine will or not but she understood the political ramifications if she was so she did not protest the title. They discuss the next possible steps, either approaching the mages or the templars but it was not possible at the moment due to their low influence and manpower. They suggested Ellana to go and meet with Mother Giselle, a Chantry mother who was sympathetic to their cause.

Before heading out, she checked in with all the advisors. Josephine was busy with the Marquis DuRellion. He claimed to have holdings over Haven and demanded that the Inquisition hand it back over. Ellana watched Josephine impressively dismantle him. Over with Leliana, she gets confronted on her view. She asked Ellana what does the Maker’s prophet have to say about all this? Ellana doesn’t know and tells her as much. She doesn’t even know if she is the Maker’s prophet.

“People are killed all the time,” Ellana states emotionless.

“If the Maker doesn’t intervene to save the best of His servants, what good is He? I used to believe I was chosen, just as some say you are. I thought I was fulfilling His purpose for me, working with the Divine, helping people. But now she’s dead. It was all for nothing. Serving the Maker meant nothing.”

“I don’t know what to tell you.”

Leliana pauses, “It was a moment of weakness. It won’t happen again. Come. To work then. We will speak later.” _I will never show weakness._ Ellana leaves to check in with Cullen.

When she approaches Cullen, he’s training the recruits, correcting them on their footwork. He turns and smiles as she approaches. “We’ve received a number of recruits--locals from Haven and some pilgrims. None made _quite_ the entrance you did.”

She laughs, “At least I got everyone's attention.”

“That you did.” He receives reports and continues to oversee the training as they walked and talked. He explains how he Cassandra asked him to join the Inquisition. Ellana hopes that the mark will help and he reassures her it will. He continues on about the precarious political situation and apologizes for giving her a lecture.

She smirks at him and says, “No, but if you have one prepared I’d love to hear it.”

He laughs, “Another time perhaps.”

She doesn’t realize she’s still smiling at him. He suddenly looks around awkwardly, avoiding her eye contact, “I, ah..” He clears his throat and changes the subject. “There’s still a lot of work ahead.” Another soldier approaches him and he gets pulled into conversation with the soldier. He waves goodbye as he talks to the soldier. She prepares to leave for the Hinterlands.

* * *

 

By the time they got back, Chancellor Roderick was at it again. Trying to convince Cullen to turn Ellana in. Cullen defends her against him, citing that they would use her as a convenient scapegoat. It was nice to see that all the Advisors, Cassandra, Leliana, Josephine, and Cullen continually defend her despite their fresh acquaintance. She's glad they are leading the Inquisition.

* * *

 

A few weeks have passed. They had met with the Chantry, templars, and mages in Val Royeaux, and recruited Lady Vivienne, Sera, The Iron Bull, and Blackwall to their cause.

Ellana loved Lady Vivienne. She was poised and elegant. Ellana wanted to be just like her. Sera was strange which got taxing at times. The Iron Bull was blunt, strong, and funny. She appreciates his upfront personality. Blackwall seemed reserve and her opinion of him paralleled that.

When she got back, she checked in with her advisors before their scheduled meeting. The most notable conversation was with Cullen. She had found out that he was an ex-templar and was worried about how he viewed her and whether she should be on guard. She asked about why he left the templars and about templars themselves. She told him she didn’t know much. He told her about the training, when he left for it, and the vows.

“There’s a vigil first. You’re meant to be at peace during that time, but your life is about to change. When it’s over, you give yourself to a life of service. That’s when you’re given a philter – your first draught of lyrium – and its power. As templars, we are not to seek wealth or acknowledgment. Our lives belong to the Maker and the path we have chosen.”

“A life of service and sacrifice.” She wonders out loud, “Are templars also expected to give up… physical temptations?” Cullen looks shocked. She didn’t realize it would elicit this reaction.

“Physical? Why…” he clears his throat. “Why would you…”

Ellana is trying to stifle a giggle now. “That’s not expected. Templars can marry – although there are rules about it, and the Order must grant permission… Some may choose to give up more to prove their devotion, but it’s, um, not required.”

She’s gone too far now, “Have you?”

His nervousness increases tenfold. “Me? I...um..no. I’ve taken no such vows. Maker’s breath – can we speak of something else?”

She is beaming at him and she tells him, “That’s enough for now.” She smiles well after she left him. _I’m in trouble, I am crushing on him hard._

* * *

In the war room, they debate the pros and cons of going with mages or templars. Ellana thought hard. She wanted to go with the mages and help the Tevinter mage they met in Redcliffe but the plan is extremely risky. At the same time, channeling magic into her hand might not be the best idea ether. It's better to go with the safer route despite how she hated how the Lord Seeker treated her in Val Royeaux. It was wishful thinking to be able to get both as they were still at each other's’ throats. One could hope though. She decided to go find the templars much to her advisors’ surprise. She explains her view on the mages and templar situation but mostly how she doesn’t believe channeling more magic into her hand would be a good idea.

“I’d rather not explode or something,” she laughs. Her advisors agreed with her viewpoints. Now they must wait for Josephine to come into contact with Orlais’ most influential houses.

As they were preparing to end the meeting, Ellana has a bright idea. _I should ask Cullen to come with me. He’s an ex-templar and she was--yes, it was very advantageous to bring him._ _I have no personal stake in this at all!_ Thankfully, he agrees with her logic.

* * *

It was a trap. She quickly threw a barrier onto herself as the Knight-Captain swings at her but she also feels someone grab her around her waist and swing her back. She looked up to the clanging of the Knight-Captain’s sword being blocked by her protector. She turned to see it was Cullen. Her heart flutters as she gazed upon his amber eyes piercing into the Knight-Captain. He unwraps his arm around her to free his hand to strengthen the block. She quickly fade steps away to safety. _What was wrong with them?_ They fought their way through the keep, hoping that they could find the Lord Seeker or some truth behind the betrayal. Lord Barris and Cullen’s friend Samson kept up with them. As they went through, she heard the Lord Seeker’s voice issuing commands or something, but no one else hears it.

They reach the center of the keep and head up the stairs. The Lord Seeker calls out to her. Ellana has an uneasy feeling that something is very wrong. As she approaches him, the Lord Seeker turns and lunges at her. The next thing she sees is a dark, wet dungeon. _Where am I?_ She looked around, slightly disoriented. There were a bunch of bodies on fire but she sees two untouched figures in the distance. As she closes in on them, she recognizes them as Cullen and Josephine. Leliana appears, “Is this shape useful. Will it let me know you? Everything tells me about you.” It walks over to Cullen, “So will this: watch.” It pulls out a dagger and puts it onto Cullen’s throat.

“No!” She reaches out but its too late. Leliana cuts Cullen’s throat, blood is everywhere, he falls to the floor.

“No!” It mimics Ellana. “So that is who you are, how about this?” She slits Josephine’s throat now. Ellana’s brow furrows but she does not call out. She has given it too much. She knows what this is; it is a demon.

“Oh? Just him then.” The demon slinks into the shadows. Behind her she suddenly hears Cullen’s voice, “Being you will be so much more interesting than being the Lord Seeker.” She shivered. “Do you know what the Inquisition can become? You’ll see. When I’m done, the Elder One will kill you and ascend. Then I will _be_ you.” _No, no, no._ This is driving her crazy but she cannot give into it. She wanted to cover her ears but that would show weakness, a vulnerability.

“Who or what is the Elder One?” she asks trying to draw its attention away from her.

“He is between things. Mortal once, but no longer. Glory is coming. And the Elder One wants you to serve him like everyone else: by dying in the right way.”

“Keep talking then,” she says smugly.

“I am not your toy! I am envy, and I will know you! Tell me, “Herald,” in your mind. Tell me what you think,” Cullen whispers in her ear. “Tell me what you feel,” he says standing over their war table. “Tell me what you see!” She sees Cullen in front of her, bleeding out, and she has the knife in her hand. Her brow furrows as she looks down at the knife and tightens her grip around it. She stabs Cullen in the heart and leaves. Envy maniacally laughs at her action. “So that is who you are. Afraid to show weakness.” Ellana scowled and runs forward. _It knows._ In the next room, she sees herself around some soldiers.

The soldiers report to her that her enemies have surrendered and that the Inquisition can match any power. The demon uses Ellana’s voice, “Our reach begins to match my ambition--but we will strive for more.”

“Is imitating what you can’t have your only pleasure, demon?”

Now using its own voice, “Accusing..trying to find _my_ weakness. Is that the woman you are?” It laughs maniacally again. _Damn it._ She was losing this game. It kept whispering things to her. Alternating between using Cullen’s voice, her voice, and its’ own. She ran through a maze of veilfire. Exhausted, she came to a dead end that looked like a bedroom. She walked in hoping there was an exit. Another voice whispers to her now but she didn’t recognize it. She has to keep moving, as she tries to leave the room it calls for her to wait. She turns around and she cannot find the origin of the voice.

“Envy is hurting you. Mirrors on mirrors on memories. A face it can feel but not fake. I want to help. You, not Envy.”

“Why continue this, Envy? Who's this meant to be?”

“Me. I'm Cole. I'm still Cole. We're inside you, or I am. You're always inside you. It’s easy to hear, harder to be a part of what you’re hearing. But I’m here, hearing, helping. I hope.” She finds a boy standing on the ceiling, looking down on her. He continues, “Envy hurt you, is hurting you.. I tried to help. Then I was here, in the hearing. It’s--it’s not usually like this.”

“If you can explain this, I’m listening.” There was a screech in the distance.

“I was watching. I watch. Every templar knew when you arrived. They were impressed, but not like the Lord Seeker.”

“The ‘Lord Seeker’ is an Envy demon. It wants to be me.”

“Yes. It twisted the commanders, forced their fury, their fight. They’re red inside. Anyway, you’re frozen, Envy is trying to take your face, I heard it and reached out, and then in, and then I was here.” He goes on to explain about what is going on outside and what is going on internally. She is glad the outside world is frozen. It means the real Cullen is safe. Cole reveals that if she continues to expand, it will tire Envy out. With renewed determination, she set off. Cole continues to reassure her as the Envy demon shows her more. None of this is real and don’t tell it anything. The Envy demon tries harder. Showing her more of Cullen because it knows he irks her. Envy continues to whisper things into her ear. How she will fail, how she will bring destruction to this world. How disappointed Cullen is that she's become a monster. She hopes Envy is just as exhausted as she is. She reaches the top of the stairs where she previously was.

The demon appears in her shape, “Unfair, unfair! That thing kept you whole, kept you from giving me your shape!” It grabbed her by the throat, holding her up against the wall.

“What could you gain from being me?”

The demon uses its voice again, full of anger, “What could you gain? What...ugh! We’ll start again. More pain this time. The Elder One still comes.” She sees a wispy shape.

Cole interjects, “It’s afraid of you.”

The demon turns to Cole, “Get out of here!” Ellana uses this opportunity to hit it. She returns back to the real world and she sees the Envy demon disappear behind the barrier wall.  _Creators, it’s real form is ugly._

Ser Barris runs forward, “The Lord Seeker!”

“No. An imposter,” she says rubbing her temples. She’s exhausted now. She looks over to check if Cullen is still there. He came over to ask if she’s ok. She’s fine. She doesn’t want to tell him what she saw or how she feels. The Envy demon made her realize more than she cared to admit. There was still work to be done. She looks around for Cole and asks if anyone else saw him. No one did. They split up to defend the hall and Ellana and her party will look for any remaining lieutenants and uncorrupted lyrium.

She was afraid of confronting Envy again. _Will it reveal my secrets?_ She steeled herself for the task at hand. They were able to find a few lieutenants and the uncorrupted lyrium, occasionally checking in with the hall and dispatching any red templars that made it through. The most interesting thing they found was a plot to assassinate Empress Celene. She gathered the notes to be sure to bring it back to her advisors.

In the hall, they were able to take down the barrier with ease. She was not nervous for the battle itself, but for Envy’s wicked tongue. It knew her too well already. As she approached it spoke, “I touched so much of you. But you are selfish with your glory. Now I’m no one.”

Cole appears, “Dark and desperate, death to make yourself alive. I used to be like you. I’m not anymore. You shouldn’t be either.”

It screeches and notices Cullen, “So he is here.” It lets out its distinctive maniacal laugh and sinks into the ground. Ellana grips her staff and knows exactly what it was doing. She tosses another barrier at Cullen. He was poised for it to jump out of the ground.

Through grinding teeth, she says, “Shut. Up.” It screams at her when her ice spell strikes it. She willed it to silence and her magic took action. It stopped solely targeting Cullen with all the threats around it to Ellana’s relief.

When it was finally over, she was glad. Even more so that it didn’t say anything. She decided to have the templar order stand but asked them to join. They were more than willing. Her party would go ahead while the rest of the templars would route any remaining red templars and burn the bodies. She was exhausted but she knew she wouldn’t sleep well tonight. Not after getting mentally tortured. She jumped at his voice, “Are you okay?” he asked again. He looked even more worried now, “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

She looks down and to the left, “I’m fine,” she murmurs.

“I know that’s not true.”

Her head jerks up, “Envy...was just messing with my mind. I just need to clear it.”

“I can understand that.” She gives him a small smile and he can see relief wash over his face. “If there’s anything, please let me know.” He gives her a curt nod.

“Thank you, Cullen.”


	5. But...

Cullen had read the reports before she walked in. He had to admit, it was extremely long and he only cared about the sections on her leadership and combat abilities. He didn't even skim the section on her personal life. He wasn't worried if she was the traitor or not. He trusted Cassandra’s judgment.

Nonetheless, she seemed qualified. It's a relief and they are extremely lucky she has extensive combat training with a wide variety of skills. She has run stealth missions, negotiated with others outside of her clan, and practices Spirit and Winter magic. Additionally, she is a very adept healer and knows much about herbs.Perhaps she was chosen by Andraste. It seemed to perfect that a trained leader was their savior.

 _She's a mage?_ It didn't bother him as much as it used to. He would definitely keep a watchful eye but, again, he trusted Leliana and Cassandra’s judgment.

When she walked into the room, he didn't realize she would look like that--not in a bad way. She was pretty. Her hair was as white as snow and her vallaslin and eyes were a pale blue that matched her hair and skin, adding to the snowy look she had. She was slim and small--typical of elves. When she spoke, her voice was melodic and soft. He couldn’t help but smile at her.

* * *

Cullen was busily training the new recruits when he saw her approaching. They speak of the current status of the troops, Chantry, and mages and templars. At some point, he realizes he was doing all the talking so he apologizes for lecturing her.

She gave him a smirk and told him, “No, but if you have one prepared I’d love to hear it.”

 _She has a sense of humor._ This wasn’t the first joke she made. She made several at the war table. It's a breath of fresh air in this tumultuous time. He tells her, “Another time perhaps,” and sees her smiling at him still. His mind blanks and he thinks how much more beautiful she was when she smiled. He thinks about how mesmerizing her powder blue eyes were. _Wait, did I just think that. How long have I been standing here without saying anything?_ _Say something, anything._ “I, ah…” His hand moves up to behind his neck--his typical behavior when he’s nervous. Luckily, a soldier was approaching and he was able to use that as an escape. He gave her one last glance as she walked away and waved goodbye to him.

* * *

It started off as a casual conversation. _How did it end up so personal and uncomfortable?_ _Why would she ask those questions?_ He sighs and tries to get back to work, but he can’t forget the smile on her face or the content of the conversation.

 _What is it about her that has me all out of sorts? She seems interested in me._ He shakes his head. _Why am I interested in her?_ Yes, at first it was because he thought she was beautiful but there was more to her. He would describe her as a prism catching the light. Perhaps, it was the lack of such light in his life that made him attracted to it. Or maybe it reminded him of his past--when he once was a prism. In a way, something as precious as that must be protected from getting engulfed by the darkness of this world. _So, let me be the one when I've already been ruined by the darkness. Either way, it is my job to protect her until the Breach is closed._

* * *

He was sure she would pick the mages as she was one, yet she chose to ask the templars for help. She did not seem happy with either choice though. Nevertheless, he was glad she agreed with his views.

As they were wrapping up, she asks Cullen to accompany her to Therinfal Redoubt. He hesitates and for a split second, he thinks about how he felt about her during their previous conversation. He immediately shakes that out of his head and convinces himself it is a logical decision. She echoes his thoughts telling him as he is an ex-templar, it might be useful.

* * *

On their journey there, he continuously catches himself gazing her way. _What is wrong with me? She is the Herald and I am the Commander._ He occasionally catches her staring off into the distance and wonders what she is thinking about. He was thinking about how thankful he was for being on the journey with her because they spent a lot of time chatting and getting to know each other. He got to observe much more about her. Contradicting how she presents in front of him and others, she doesn’t smile much when she thinks no one is watching. She actually doesn’t show much emotion at all. He surmises that she probably only does when she was talking with what he thinks are people she trusts: Cassandra, Varric, and Solas. He doesn’t know if she smiles when she talks with Josephine or Leliana but she does when she’s with him. That made him happy. _Wait, no._ He sighs to himself. _This was getting difficult._

Again, he saw a new side of her when they reached Therinfal Redoubt. She spoke as if she was a noble. She was polite and appreciative to Lord Abernache, yet she did not humble herself. She definitely acted as if _she_ was the dignitary. She commanded respect from Lord Abernache. No wonder she was to be the Keeper. When they are greeted by Barris and Samson, Cullen lights up. Samson was an old friend at Kirkwall.

“What are you doing here with the Order Samson, I thought…”

“The Lord Seeker forgave me and allowed me back in. My lyrium addiction...he helped me through it.”

Cullen lets out a sigh, “That’s good then.”

“Yes...I am glad to be back in the order. I also heard you were going to be here. So you left the Order for the Inquisition?”

“Yes, Seeker Pentaghast asked me to join.”

“Are you enjoying it?”

“Yes, of course.” Samson gives him a curt nod and he catches Samson briefly looking over to Ellana. Cullen wonders what Samson thinks about her.

In the courtyard, Barris informs Ellana that they have to perform a ritual as per requested by the Lord Seeker. Cullen recognizes this. Lord Abernache tells her it’s a waste of time. Cullen thinks she should. She declines. As they followed Barris and Samson he walks up next to her. “Herald, I have to ask, why did you decline,” he whispers insistently.

Her eyes narrow in response. “Because the Lord Seeker disrespected me in Val Royeaux. I refuse to let him think that I am his monkey,” she says darkly. Cullen is taken back. He did not expect this side from her. Ellana was putting her life on the line for complete strangers every day. He's read the reports of her actions in the Hitherlands. _How could someone so altruistic be so harsh and ruthless?_ Seeing her here today, she was a different person when she had to interact with nobles and potential alliances. Based on her actions today alone, he thinks she would be great at the Game. Again, it is no wonder she was to be made Keeper.

As they stood waiting in the office, Cullen couldn’t shake the feeling something was wrong. He felt the hum of lyrium which he was not surprised about since they were in a templar keep but something about it was wrong. The song was different. _Maybe it was because I haven’t taken a draught in so long?_ He was having a difficult time concentrating. _A large source must be nearby._

* * *

He was right of course. A templar by the name of Denam attacks them as well as the other templars that are not red. He feels Ellana’s magic surge around them as she places a barrier on herself just as he reaches out as pulls her back. He still blocks Dean’s attack and only lets her go when he thinks it's safe. He glances around to look for her while he fights off the red templars. She’s position herself well, in a difficult to find corner. He watches her out of the corner of his eye, able to be so careless due to her constant barriers. He makes sure he keeps templars off of her as they advance up the stairs and the Lord Seeker is standing there. He watches her cautiously approach him. Then the Lord Seeker turns around as grabs her by the throat, before he can react, he sees her kicking an Envy demon. _The Lord Seeker was an Envy_ _demon?_ It turns into a puff of smoke and flies into the keep and behind a large barrier. He looks over at Ellana. Her brow is furrowed. Ser Barris runs into the keep after the Lord Seeker. She says it's an imposter. She looks even worse now.

He comes up to her, “Are you okay?”

She shakes her head, “I’m fine,” and walks into the keep. He’s not convinced. They plan to split up. He would stay here in the hall while the rest would look for the lieutenants and uncorrupted lyrium. He wasn’t feeling great either from all the lyrium but he was more worried about her. He wanted to tell her he would go with her but that would be a poor tactical decision. The templars may not be able to hold here without his help.

They returned pretty quickly and he was glad she did not look any worse for the ware. She was stronger than she looks.

Ser Barris hand him a draught of lyrium. “No, I will help defend you guys while you take down the barrier. The veterans should be enough.” Barris nods and gets into position.

* * *

 _What did it mean?_ He didn’t understand what Envy said, why it targeted him first. _Perhaps something with the Lord Seeker?_ He couldn’t figure it out but he didn’t want to dwell on it. A lot has happened in the last few minutes. He was glad Ellana decided to keep the templar order, although they have made mistakes, he doesn’t believe they should disband. He realized that she was hard when it was necessary, but always forgiving and caring. He wanted to make sure she was alright especially since she didn’t seem that way after Envy reared its ugly head.

“Are you okay?” he asked. She sees her jump and turn around.

“I didn’t mean to scare you.” Now he’s even more worried. Her mood changed so quickly after Envy appeared. She explains to him that Envy was in her head. His blood runs cold. He understands how that feels and gives her the space she needs, assuring her he’ll always be here.  
“Thank you, Cullen,” she says and walks away. _Was this the first time she called me by my first name?_


	6. Stay With Her

She spent the next few days flinching wherever Cullen spoke to her. She was sure he noticed. His worry never faded. She left for her long walks in the silent forest more often than not. She always left a note, of course, so no one would panic at her disappearance. _Cullen would never hurt me. I would never hurt him. Envy is wrong. Cullen would never hurt me. I would never hurt him. Envy is wrong._ This continued chant was an attempt to bring her peace. However, she knew she was starting to lose it all: her composure and control.

Cole approached her on this matter. He would only show up when she was alone. She knew he had to be a spirit. “You're too bright,” he says, “like the sun. The mark makes you more. But past it...You try to reach across. Mindful. Meaning. You pull it through to this side, make it real here. And past that, the weight of all on you. All the hopes you carry, fears you fight. You are theirs, but this is smothering you. Causing you to eclipse. To become a shadow. I can help you. I can make you forget.”

“No. Thank you, Cole. I need to remember; to move past it. I need to grow from it. Please.”

Cole nodded and vanished. This was how she always was. Since as long as she could remember. She reminisces about her childhood where she was constantly teased for having this trait. More specifically, they would call her “banal numin” which meant never cries. Deshanna would ask her why she kept it in. She didn’t have an answer. She just never felt sad or in pain enough to do so.

* * *

They succeeded in closing the Breach with the help of the templars. All around Haven, there was drinking and parties going on. Ellana felt out of place. She tells Cassandra there is still work to be done. Cassandra agrees. Varric disagrees. He tells her to go and party. _Perhaps I will, maybe even work up the liquid courage to tell Cullen how I feel, but I’m not quite sure how I feel about the consequences. He was different than the other guys I’ve been with in the past. He had a steadiness to him that I crave. I feel elated when he is around--especially when he is embarrassed or felt awkward. Lastly, how can I deny his good looks? His burning amber eyes, the soft curls of his golden hair, his strong, muscled body. He reminds me of a lion._ She chuckles to herself. _I didn't feel this way when I met him, I actually thought nothing of him. Anyways, I’m not usually attracted to humans. It wasn't until those questions on his celibacy did begin to vie for his attention. That was when he captured her heart. Wait. So I do know how I feel about him. But...what about Solas? It's moved towards respect. He was very knowledgeable but he was closed off in comparison to Cullen. Yet, the events with Envy make me cautious._ Before she knew it, she was in front of the tavern. She smiled somberly at her musing but was interrupted by the call of the battle horn.

Suddenly, everything is thrown into a panic. People are screaming, everyone is running. _What is going on?_ She ran to the gates and there was a loud knock on the door. It's the Tevinter mage, Dorian. He was out of breath. He explained to them that the mages were led by The Elder One and Calpernia. She rushed off to battle.

* * *

After they had collapsed the mountain on the majority of the army, they thought they had won the day. As a cheer washed through the Inquisition, an archdemon appears and begins raining fire down. She rushed to rescue as many townspeople as she found and ran to the safety of the Chantry. Cullen was at the door waving her in and shutting the door behind them. _I’m glad he’s alright._

Somehow, Dorian and Cullen come up with the idea of shooting the remaining trebuchet at the mountain behind Haven to bury the town and the Elder One with it. Luckily, there's a pathway out for the rest of the civilians. Ellana just needs to be the one to buy enough time and shoot the boulder. Cullen realizes what that means and asks her, “But what of your escape?”

She does not answer. _Duty. It comes first and foremost. I will not hurt him. Funny how times of crisis makes you realize how you truly feel about someone and how I don’t care about being selfish or whether a demon could possibly speak the truth. But I will not leave him with my confession. If I look back at his face one last time, I’ll lose my resolve_. She pushes the doors the Chantry open and faces the dragon.


	7. I Will Return to You

_ Cold.  _ She wanted to just lay here. Everywhere hurt and she definitely had cracked ribs.  _ I need to get up. I'll die if I stay here.  _ She somehow manages to pull herself up.  _ One foot in front of the other.  _ She encounters some demons shortly after stumbling a few feet. She's too weak to pull power from the Fade, but she feels her Anchor glow.  _ Perhaps, Corypheus did something to it? _ She raises her hand and she feels her hand pulsing as it tears at the Veil around the demons and rips them apart. She lets out a relieved sigh and marches on.

_ It's really cold now. _ Outside of the cave, a blizzard rages. She barely has the power to keep her fingers and toes warm. There's no sign of anyone.  _ Maybe I'll never find anyone. _ She wishes she just died on the impact instead of having to suffer from the cold and pain.

_ How many hours have passed? _ She finds a campfire but it's gone cold. Eventually, she does find a warm one. She stays next to it trying to take in the last of its warmth.  _ Maybe someone is nearby? _ She is losing her sense of things. Sometimes she'll see, sometimes it's darkness. She starts to hear other things as well. “You're weak and you'll never be able to protect them,” it whispers in her ear.  _ Or is that the wind? _ She is numb--to the pain, cold, and whispers.

“There, it's her!” A familiar voice calls out to her but it must be another hallucination.

“Thank the Maker.” That one sounded like Cassandra. She sees figures running towards her. She feels them before she can make out who it is. She feels strong muscled arms reach out and hold her.

“She's freezing,” he hisses. His arms tighten around her, it's Cullen.

“Cullen…” she's slipping. _ Wait, no I want to see him. _ She pushes her eyelids open and looks past her frosted lashes. His face was racked with worry and his amber eyes burned as if they were willing the transfer of its warmth to her. She rests her cheek against his warm body. He felt like fire. This is the closest she's ever been to him. She's ecstatic because she was found.

“Are you hurt anywhere?” Solas asked. He murmurs something else.

“Broken,” her voice barely a whisper. 

Solas and Cullen argue with each other and he picks her up. He's strong but gentle, careful not to jostle her. 

“Cullen…” she wants to make sure it's him and that he's here but it's impossible now.

She heard Solas one last time, “We're losing her!”

* * *

She swears she heard and felt Cullen by her side while she was out but when she woke up, it was Mother Giselle. She was awoken by the screaming match the advisors were having with one another. Mother Giselle is tending to her. She informs her on their status and disapproves of her desire to join the planning. 

“Another heated voice won’t help. Even yours. Perhaps especially yours. Our leaders struggle because of what we survivors witnessed. We saw our defender stand...and fall. And now,  we have seen her  _ return _ . The more the enemy is beyond us, the more miraculous your actions appear. And the more or trials seem ordained. That is hard to accept, no? What ‘we’ have been called to endure? What ‘we,’ perhaps, must come to believe?”

“I escaped the avalanche. Barely, perhaps, but I didn't die.”

“Of course, and the dead cannot return from across the Veil. But the people know what they saw. Or, perhaps, what they needed to see. The Maker works both in the moment, and in how it is remembered. Can we truly know the heavens are  _ not _ with us?“

_ No. _ For the first time in her life, she questioned whether or not the humans were correct. To be honest, she never believed strongly about the Elven gods either. If they did exist, they have never shown her any attention. Not that this meant she was not devout. Her vallasin was in honor of Mythal--the goddess of justice. However, at the end of the day, she relied on her own strength.  _ Do I believe Corypheus?  _ Whatever the case was, she still had to face him even as impossible and hopeless it may be.

“Perhaps...I was meant for this. But that didn’t help at Haven. I want to believe Andraste is with me, but doubt is everywhere.”

“Faith is made stronger at facing doubt. Untested, it is nothing.” Those words echoed in her as she walked off, gazing at her friends--at Cullen--all seemed as dejected as she was. The enduring silence was broken by Mother Giselle as she began to sing. Shortly afterward, Leliana joined in. Then, the surrounding soldiers. Soon, everyone was singing and approaching her. Kneeling in front of her. She was overwhelmed. She felt both fear and humbled. Fear as she realized she was responsible for all these lives. Humbled that they looked at her that way. When the song ended, morale seemed renewed. She turned around, hoping to escape, but Solas was there.

“A word?”

They walked some distance away before Solas spoke. He informs her that the humans have not revered any elves in forever but it will not last due to the orb Corypheus carried. It was an elven foci used to channel power. It causes the Breach which caused the explosion. She solemnly agrees that their trust and faith will not last as soon as they find out. However, they must continue on. Solas agrees and informs her that there is a place nearby they can take refuge. He also says she should lead them. More responsibility is constantly given to her, but even she believes she is chosen now. To have so many lives in her hand, she cannot falter.


	8. They Are Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always thought it was weird that everyone talked about the showdown between the Inquisitor and Corypheus as if they watched but physically that wouldn't be possible. So I added something here so they could!

“They are. If we turn the last of them to the mountain above us.” He was referring to the trebuchets. He wished he didn't. He wished he wasn't watching her push open the door to certain death. He wished he had the selfishness to call out to her. He wished he could see her face one more time.

He's busily helping the civilians through the path Chancellor Roderick pointed out when suddenly, he saw and heard everything. The thing called the Elder One, walking through the flames, Ellana was on the floor. Somehow it was projecting everything that was happening right above the town. _Quickly, get up!_ She manages to do so. The dragon rushes up behind her, trapping her. “Enough,” the Elder One says, drawing her attention with a gust. She looks up and sees the projection. He can’t make out the expression on her face. The Elder One smirks, “They will all see you for what you truly are. A pretender. You toy with forces beyond your ken. No more. And me, they will see me for who I truly am.” Everyone else stopped to watch but Cullen tries to break them out of their trance so that they can make their escape.

“Whatever you are, I'm not afraid.” Cullen believes her. She looks fearless, unmelting in the ring of fire.

“Words mortals often hurl at the darkness. Once they are mine. They are always lies. Know me. Know what you have pretended to be. Exalt the Elder One! The _will_ that is Corypheus! You will kneel.”

“You'll get nothing out of me,” she says so darkly and cold as the worst blizzard of winter. Her voice sends shivers down his spine. Her expression was like the one the stray dogs in Ferelden would wear when a human approached it as they have only experienced abuse all their lives.  _What happened to you so that you gained that instinct?_  

“You will resist. You will always resist. It matters not. I am here for the _Anchor_. The process of removing it begins now.“ Corypheus reaches out and the mark on her hand flares. “It is your fault, ‘Herald.’ You interrupted a ritual years in the planning. And instead of dying, you stole its purpose.” Ellana was gripping her hand, grimacing. He hears people gasping and crying out for her. At this point those that were originally with her--Cassandra, Iron Bull, and Varric--have caught up with the rest of the townspeople. It seemed more definitive that she would not make it.

“I do not know how you survived, but what marks you as ‘touched,’ what you flail at rifts, I crafted to assault the very heavens.” Corypheus causes the Anchor to flare red and Ellana falls to the ground. Cullen wants to reach out to shield her but he can't.

“And you used the Anchor to undo my work! The gall!”  

“What is this thing meant to do,” she asks grimacing through the pain.

“It is meant to bring certainty where there is none.  For you, the certainty that I would always come for it.” He walks over and grabs her by the arm, holding her up several feet off the floor with such ease you would think she was weightless. Every fiber in Cullen’s body screamed no, but all he could he do was watch.

“I once breached the Fade in the name of another, to serve the Old Gods of the Empire _in person_ . I found only chaos and corruption. Dead whispers. For a thousand years I was confused. No more. I have gathered the _will_ to return under no name but my own, to champion withered Tevinter and correct this blighted world. Beg that I succeed, for I have seen the throne of the Gods, and _it was empty_!” A collective gasp is let out by all the townspeople. Some start crying, some start asking if it is true. He throws Ellana into the trebuchet. She lets out a pained cry. Cullen is sure something cracked.

Corypheus slowly walks towards her, “The Anchor is permanent. You have spoiled it with your stumbling.”

Ellana manages to scramble to her feet to a nearby sword to arm herself. Cullen doesn’t think she’s ever wielded a sword before. Corypheus and his dragon close in. “So be it. I will begin again, find another way to give this world the nation--and _God_ \--it requires. And you. I will not suffer even an unknowing rival. You _must_ die.”

Ellana steps forward, poised to strike. Her last stand, but she does not look worried. Actually, she’s smiling smugly. “Thanks for talking for so long. I have you just where I want you.” She kicks the trebuchet flailing a rock towards the mountain. It sets off an avalanche. Corypheus’s archdemon shields him and takes flight. The projection fades, with her fate unknown.

* * *

“She could still be alive!”

“We can't risk going back, _Commander,_ ” Cassandra hissed, reminding him of his position but he didn't care.

“So what, we just leave her to die?”

“We don't even know if she _is_ alive.”

“She's right, we can't let the Inquisitor's sacrifice be for naught. We must distance ourselves deeper into the mountains so Corypheus will be less likely to find us.”

Cullen scoffed when Solas said that word--sacrifice. He didn't want to call it that. If he did it would give it a sense of finality. He couldn't think that.

Cassandra was eyeing him. “I know you're worried about her. As am I, but we can't put thousands of lives in danger for one.”

He doesn't reply. She is right but he doesn’t want her to be.

* * *

After Solas deemed they were a safe distance away, Cullen immediately took off. Cassandra calls out to him to wait and goes chasing after him, as does Solas. Cassandra catches up with him and grabs his arm to stop him, “Do you even know where to go?”

“Back towards Haven. I _will_ find her,” he tells Cassandra through gritted teeth. Cassandra lets go but she looks sadly at him. She gives him a nod and they sprint off.

It wasn't very far from camp when he saw her in the distance, staggering in the snow. He can't believe it, she must have been following them. He rushed over to her and she immediately collapses into this arms. He embraces her and feels her frozen body against his chest. _Thank the Maker_.

“She’s freezing,” he says, cradling her in his arms. He looks down at her face, hair covered in snow and ice, causing her to glisten. She looked so frail like the ice that first forms over a lake. He brushes her hair aside to reveal more of her face. She whispers his name. “I’m here,” he reassures, unsure if she even heard him.

Solas kneels beside her, asking if she’s hurt anywhere. Her voice is barely loud enough to hear over the whistling winds. Solas thinks she is trying to say her ribs are broken. Cullen thinks they should go back to camp first because she is freezing. He picks her up gently, careful not to cause her any more pain. She calls out to him again, even weaker this time.

“We’re losing her,” Solas glares at Cullen. He immediately places his hands over her to heal her wounds. Cullen sets her back down and tries his best to warm her up, to shield her from the winds. He can’t lose her now, it would be too cruel. Too cruel to find her again, only to lose her in his arms. They stay there for nearly an hour before Solas finishes. She has more color to her face again. He refuses to let anyone else carry her back to camp--it should be him.

She briefly comes to on the walk back. Enough for him to make out what she says over the howling wind.

“Cullen…”

“I'm right here.“

“You…” He hushed her and reassured her that it would be fine.

“You'd never hurt me would you?” That question nearly stopped him in his tracks.

“No,” he answers firmly. “I would never hurt you.”

“I'm relieved,” she lets out a sigh and falls back asleep. _I would never hurt you. I'd do everything I could to protect you. Why would you ever think that?_

He stays by her side in camp. He thanks her for coming back to him and promises her this will never happen again. He holds her hand the whole time. He doesn’t want to leave her but he is called by the others to have a discussion. He nearly leaves her with a kiss on the forehead but catches himself. He sorrowfully squeezes her hand one more time before leaving.

“I can ask some close nobles that are sympathetic to the cause of they'd be willing to house us,” Josephine suggested.

“That would just make it easier for Corypheus to find us,” Leliana says, shaking her head. “We should have been more careful. Had we-”

“How could we have known,” Cassandra interrupts, “Even if we did how can we prepare against... _that_ ,” Cassandra shakes her head wildly.

“We could have prepared, gather more allies, make Haven more defensible, anything…” Cullen says, trailing off. _Anything to have prevented Ellana from danger_.

They go back and forth for what seemed like hours. What they could have done, how regrets change nothing, what should they do next, and back again. Eventually, everyone falls silent, exhausted from arguing and no closer to a solution. Then, Mother Giselle starts to sing. Not long after, everyone starts joining in and many are surrounding Ellana. Some bowed before her while others saluted her. She stood there as a beacon of hope. Silver hair swaying in the wind, glistening and gleaming. They looked at each other across the sea of people but he felt like he was a child, looking through the window of a nobleman’s house, seeing all that he didn't have--couldn't have. At that moment, he realized he could never reach her.


	9. You Have to Hide

The next few days in Skyhold were a whirlwind. Cassandra, Leliana, Cullen and Josephine had asked her to be the leader--the Inquisitor. They were right, she had already been leading without her actually realizing it. She did not fear the leadership for she had been groomed at a young age to lead but obviously not for this large or dire of a situation. As for the rest of her inner circle, Dorian and Cole officially joined. Both were met with resistance as one was a Tevinter and the other a spirit. However, she trusted them and soon, Dorian became her best friend.

After her harrowing events, it seemed to resolve her fear of him but most importantly, whether it was a dream or reality, she remembers Cullen assuring her that he would never hurt her. When she finally got the chance, she visited Cullen. He informs her on the status of their fortifications and how the troop rotations will be ready by the end of the week. They dance around the topic of Haven by touching on how few lives were lost, how morale was low until she accepted the position, how she doesn't have to bear the burden of command alone.  

She looks down letting the silence build up between them. “Our escape from Haven...it was close. I am relieved that yo- that so many made it out.”

He looked sadly down at her, “As am I.” Now it was his turn to look down and let the silence build up. She wasn't sure if this was his way of ending the conversation, his way of letting her know he didn't want to talk about it. She starts to turn away when before she is stopped by his voice. “You stayed behind. You could have--” he lowers his voice to almost a growl,  “I will not allow the events at Haven to happen again. You have my word.” She is taken aback by the fiery determination in his eyes. 

She smiles at him and dares herself to reach out at him. She places her hand lightly on his arm, never breaking their gaze. Though they were barely touching, she could feel an electric tingling where their bodies connected. That connection, his confession, she wanted to tell him so much more but all that came out was, “Thank you, Cullen.”

* * *

Running in an endless sea. She had to get away. She couldn’t make them stay away. She looked back to see if they were still chasing her. No it wasn’t.

“I’m here.” It hisses. Cullen appears in front of her, startling her and causing her to fall to the ground.

“No...stop.” It inches closer to her face. She tries to back up but her body doesn’t move as fast as she is screaming at it to. It lets out a deafening scream and she jolts awake, drenched in sweat.  _ Cullen will never hurt me. I would never hurt him. Envy is wrong. _

* * *

She was in and out of Skyhold, constantly on missions. While she was out with Sera and Blackwall, Sera non-discretely let everyone know that Blackwall had a thing for Josephine. Ellana couldn't help but join the teasing but confronted both of them back at Skyhold. She hoped that she could somehow help them be together but instead Josephine’s words stayed etched into her mind. 

“It must be ‘la splendeur des coeurs perdus.’”

“Er, what?”

“It's an Orlesian term, ‘the splendor of lost hearts.’ It is when passion is known, but cannot be consummated--even though the would-be lovers wish it with all their yearning. Looks may be exchanged. A small token may be left for one to find...But that is all that can ever be.”

 _That is all that can ever be._ _La splendeur des coeurs perdus_. Perhaps, that is all they will ever be.

Later that night, she hears a knock on her door. She opened the door to one of her guards that Leliana stationed at her door.

“Herald,” he salutes, “There is a templar requesting an audience with you. His name is Raleigh Samson. Should I send him away?”

“No, it’s fine. Let him in.” The guard salutes her and walks down the stairs. She hears a pair of boots go up the stairs.

“Samson.” She nods to him.  _ What does he want? _

“Inquisitor,” he salutes.

“What did you need to see me for?”

"I wanted to thank you for saving the Templar Order as well as rescue me from all of that.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” she paused and eyed him, “What is this really about?” He paced around her room with his hand to his chin. She followed him with her eyes and took a seat in one of the armchairs by the fire. She gestures at the armchair opposite of her but he holds up his hand to decline.

“I’m not sure how to say it.” He leans against her bed.

She shrugs, “However you want.”

“I can see your...affection for Cullen.” Her eyes stay narrowed but she doesn’t respond. “He’s my friend so I have to look out for him. Especially when there’s no one else here.”

Ellana holds up her hand for him to stop. “Whatever you’re going to say, I already know it. I am well aware of our positions, there are a lot of incompatibilities between us. Now if there isn’t anything else, I have some things I must do before tomorrow.” She gets up and walks over to her desk, pretending to be busy.

“I’m glad we’re in agreement. Besides, there are much better options for you and him than each other.” Ellana nods in agreement without looking up. Samson bids her good night and leaves. She lets out a sigh and rests her cheek in her hand.

* * *

In the war room, Ellana was surprised everyone was there. She didn't know why everyone was here. The grim look on Varric and Dorian’s face told her it wasn’t about to be a pleasant one.

“What's going on?” she asked suspiciously.

There was a brief pause before Cassandra speaks up, “We believe we should create a phylactery for you.” Ellana stood there blinking. “It was Cullen’s idea.” Cassandra adds in quickly.

"I know it isn't tasteful but.. well...I-” Cullen seemed very nervous with the spotlight on him.

“Not everyone here agrees with it,” Dorian adds disdainfully.

“It's a logical choice.”

“What?” a few people asked in unison.

“It makes sense after the events at Haven, my concern is that anyone can get to it.”

“Luckily Dagna and I have a plan for that,” Leliana chimes in. “She has created a vault and key that splits into 3. Each piece is numbered-- that number pertains to how many days a single person can hold onto the key before it must be handed off to someone else--unless they go somewhere where it is impossible to hand it off to someone, then they just need to hand it off as soon as possible. No one is allowed to carry more than one key. All possible keyholders are in the room now. In the case that a key gets compromised, we will immediately destroy the vault with the phylactery and create new ones.”

Leave it up to Leliana to devise a fail-safe plan. Ellana nodded and liked the plan. Everyone relaxed upon hearing that, voicing that she might take the request the wrong way or get upset. Ellana shook her head and assured them that she sees the benefit of it. Cullen carefully helps her slice her hand to cause a trickle of blood to fill the vial and gingerly wraps her hand up. 

He whispers to her, “Thank you, this will put me--and a lot of us--at ease.”

* * *

She was angry at the conversation she has with Cullen last night.  _ La splendeur des coeurs perdus _ . _ Why must he remind me of it? _ She decided to leave sooner rather than later for their next mission in the Western Approach. There had been a large report of Venatori activity there. 

A few days pass by before she receives an unsuspecting letter. It was from Cullen, he was apologizing for his actions the other day but most importantly, he told her he cared for her. Dorian caught her reading the letter and immediately probed.

“Who sent you a letter? An admirer?”

Ellana blushes. “What! It is? Let me see!” He grabs it out of her hands. “Cullen?  _ Commander _ Cullen? Well, I can't say that I'm surprised.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“Oh come on, I see the eyes you give him wherever you talk to him.”

“And what is  _ that _ supposed to mean?”

“The eyes that scream,” he changes to a high-pitch voice, “ _ I adore you. _ ” Ellana stands there silent. “Well?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you going to run up to him and kiss him?”

Ellana blushes again, “No, because I don't even know if he likes me. I mean, he says he cares about me but I care about you and I don't want to kiss you.”

“Are you sure about that?”

She smirks, “Ok, maybe sometimes. But he's the  _ Commander _ .”

“So what?”

“I’m the Inquisitor. I'm a mage, he's a templar. I'm an elf, he's a human.”

“And?”

Ellana sighed. “I don't know. La splendeur des coeurs perdus.”

“Oh, you don’t believe in that bull.”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want to get hurt myself.”

“So, what? There are archdemons and Blighted magisters. We don’t have the luxury. Just be selfish.” Ellana sighed again. Dorian was making a lot of sense and she couldn’t deny her feelings. She tried to compartmentalize it but every time she saw him, everything became undone. “Want me to help?” he offers with a mischievous grin.

“Please don't,” Ellana groans. 

“So what are you going to do about it?”

“Nothing.”

“But you like him and he likes you.”

“I just need some time to think about it...and you don't know that.”

“Well, don't wait too long or I might snatch him myself!” Ellana rolls her eyes as Dorian laughs. Cullen’s demeanor is addictive. She needs him like a templar needs lyrium.

* * *

When she got back, Cullen revealed his secret to her. She respected him so much more for that. He was so wholesome and strong--things she aspired to be. She wanted to tell him all of this and more but she still couldn’t bear to put him the burden of her confession on him. Caring for someone as more than a friend will add to his list of stresses which was already filled from his position and his own personal goals.  _ Perhaps I’ll wait to see if he’ll make an advance. If he even does want me like that... _

* * *

A few days later, she came back to see Cullen and Dorian playing chess. Cullen quickly wins against Dorian, wounding his pride. Cullen asks if she would like to play. Dorian makes some excuse to leave and winks as he does.

They talked about his family and her clan. Hours pass by before Cullen points out they haven't talked at all about work. She tells him she would like to spend more time with him--perhaps a little too forward, but she felt it was appropriate due to the intimacy of their conversation. He timidly tells her he would like that. She agrees and he beams in response. After they finish, Dorian quickly ambushes her.

“Please tell me you're going to tell him already.”  Ellana shrugs.  “That's it, I'm telling him myself.”

“Wait! I don't even know what to say,” she pauses, “That's not true.”

“Exactly.”

“What if he doesn’t like me.” Dorian scoffs. Ellana lets out a frustrated sigh, “Give me until the end of the week.”

“Deal.”

* * *

It was so familiar yet so foreign to her. Typically familiarity leads to comfort and sanctuary but this was far from it.  _ Run or hide? Give up? _ She kept running from the voices.

“Why did you kill me Ellana?”

“I didn’t!” she screams back.

“Why didn’t you protect me Ellana?”

“I tried!”

“You shouldn’t have gotten me involved Ellana.”

“I know…” she stops running. Cullen appears in front of her, all bloody. She looks down from him and sees the knife in her hand. She wakes up.  _ Cullen will never hurt me. I would never hurt him. Envy is wrong. _

* * *

Before the week is over, Cassandra discusses her goals although she thinks they seem heretical. Cassandra walks over to a window and stares silently out, clearly contemplating her thoughts. 

“Tell me, what guides you? You make decisions that shake the world, yet always seem so assured. I wish I had your confidence.”

_ I do what must be done. I do whatever I need to ensure that everyone is safe… no matter what the price.  _ “I do the best that I can, what other choice is there?”

“The demands of the moment.”

“Yes...but I do not forget the long-standing consequences. Even if I did make a mistake, I learn from it and move on. After the events at Haven, Leliana and Varric expressed their regret to me. I'm glad so many survived but what use is it going over ‘what ifs?’”  _ Regret is a weakness.  _

Cassandra nods and agrees, telling her once again how much she respects her And her likeness to Andraste; a woman who holds the fate of Thedas in her hands. Cassandra’s words bring Ellana both fear and strength but also makes her realize she was a hypocrite.  _No matter what the price..._

* * *

“Dorian, there’s a letter you need to see.”

“A letter? From our naughty commander? Oh, is he confessing his undying love for  _ me _ instead of you? This is too cruel Ellana.”

“Not quite. It’s from your father.” 

Dorian’s eyes go dark and his brow furrows. “From my father. I see. And what does Magister Halward want, pray tell?”

“A meeting.”

“Show me this letter.” After Dorian reads it, he goes into a mad rant that Ellana can’t even remember all the details of. She convinces him to see him, she doesn’t want Dorian to look back upon this and see he decided his fate on the anger of the moment.

In Redcliffe, they find that his father had set Dorian up--it wasn’t a retainer that was there, it was his father. Dorian huffs and puffs and wants to leave right away but again, Ellana convinces him to just hear him out once. They have a long conversation together and Ellana was glad it wasn’t a trap after all. On returning to Skyhold, Dorian thanks her for her support, apologizes if he ever led her on. She wasn’t, she knew from the beginning, but it was still fun to flirt with him and she tells him she’ll still continue to enjoy that. Dorian laughs and his eyes soften, “Fine, I’ll never stop, even if...Wait, it’s the end of the week, you haven’t told him yet. Stop worrying about me and go be with your man.”

“Oh...right. Maybe I rather be with you instead.”

“Nonsense.”

“...Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I will be after I hear the good news from you...and drink myself into a stupor.”  _No matter what the price is, I want to keep him safe but I don't ever want to regret my decision._ She turned and walked toward's Cullen's office.


	10. Please, Somebody!

 

He tried every strategy he could think of. Denying his feelings for her, avoiding her, reasoning with himself, finding any flaw to tarnish her, all to no avail. What was most worrying was her question. _Did I ever do anything to warrant her doubt?_ _Perhaps it is my history of being a templar_.

When she approached him to talk about the events at Haven, he wanted so much to tell her the truth: about how he cared for her. All that came out was how he would never put her in that situation again. He wasn’t sure how she felt about him but he knew he could not act on his feelings. _Not now, maybe never_ . There were too many reasons why. She was the Inquisitor now and he was her Commander. When a hard decision needs to be made, he cannot let personal feelings hinder either of them. Not to mention, he is nowhere near her equal. _And what of me?_ He is trying to keep up with her, but his lack of control hinders him. It got a lot worse after the events at Haven--the nightmares, the shakes. Lyrium withdrawal was never supposed to be easy, but Ellana haunting his dreams had made it worse. As the days go by, he starts to think he should reveal this to her. Perhaps she’ll look down on him with disgust, instead of how she normally does--how her eyes glisten with respect and awe. He shakes that thought out of his head, with more determination to let her know the truth. _To end this once and for all._ First though, he must bring up his recent idea to everyone on how to keep Ellana safe. He had already discussed them with Leliana, Josephine, and Cassandra and they helped him formulate the plan. After the events in Haven where he went into a frenzy--he wanted as much as possible to avoid that. Normally, as a mage, she would have a phylactery, he would have been able to find her immediately after the mountain collapsed onto Haven. Additionally, he would immediately know if something had happened to her. Ellana was returning today, so they were going to hold their usual meeting. He quickly went around Skyhold asking everyone in her inner circle to come by before the meeting to discuss something important.

“So what’s this about Curly?” Varric asks.

“There’s something I must discuss with you all. Leliana, Josephine, Cassandra and I have discussed this already. We feel like this is the safest course of action.” He paused and swallowed, he knew this would not go over well with everyone in the room. “We want to make a phylactery for the Inquisitor.”

“Are you mad?” Dorian says angrily.

“I think it is a great idea, she is a mage after all.” Vivienne says to Dorian.

“You think she’s going to become an abomination?” Dorian raises his voice.

“I don’t like this idea either Curly.”

“It’s not for that.” Cassandra interjects, “We want to use it in case...something like Haven happens again.” The room goes silent.

Leliana nods, “She is now in a position where the target on her back is much larger. Without her…”

“We wouldn’t have anyone to close the rifts.” Solas finishes.

Leliana nods back somberly.

“Having her phylactery is worse, they don’t need to have her to control her, they can just snatch a tiny bottle of her blood!” Dorian says shaking his head.

“That’s where you all come in. Dagna and I have devised a plan to keep her phylactery safe.” Leliana explains, “The key to the vault is broken up into 3 pieces, you need all 3 to open the vault. Each key is engraved with a number to let you know how many nights must pass before it must be handed off to another person in this room. Of course, if you’re out on a mission and cannot pass on the key, you will just have to pass it on as soon as possible. This way, it will be difficult for spies to find out who has the key and target them. Either way, in the event that the key, vault, or member of this room gets compromised, we will immediately destroy the vault and the phylactery inside.” Silence falls upon the room as everyone contemplates the plan for holes but none were found. Everyone seemed to agree with the plan and they decide the first three people by pulling three names from a bowl: Varric, Josephine, and Cassandra.

* * *

Despite Ellana agreeing to the phylactery with no protest, that night, he was awoken by his nightmares again. He decided to patrol Skyhold instead of revisiting the desire demon. Strangely, he sees Ellana wandering about. It must have been nearly three in the morning. They both see each other across the courtyard and walk towards each other.

“What are you doing up this late?”

“I… often have trouble sleeping, you?”

“Shouldn't you be tired from today's journey back?”

“Strangely, that makes it worse sometimes,” she says barely above a whisper. “You didn't answer my question,” she pouts. He wanted to kiss those lips-- _Maker’s breath._

 _“_ I also couldn't sleep.” There was silence between them as they kept their gaze on each other. Cullen started to feel awkward and looked away while reaching for the back of his neck. “You should really get some rest,” he says turning back to her. Her eyes are glazed over.

“You should too.”

“I'm not the Inquisitor.”

She looks upset now, “Well, you're the Commander.”

“You have far more duties that are far more dangerous than I do. You should be at your best.”

“You don't think I don't know that?” she raises her voice. _Damn._ He didn't mean to upset her. “Good night, Commander.” She walks away briskly, leaving him in the darkness.

* * *

He didn't get a chance to tell her before she left. He was determined to the next time--but before then, he wanted to apologize. He spent all day, writing and re-writing an apology.

_Inquisitor._

_I wanted to apologize for the other night. I never want to patronize you. I know you know your role in all this. I was simply worried about your well-being. I care about you and I hope you will forgive me._

_-Cullen_

He got a response from her immediately, telling him she forgives him. He writes back letting her know that he wanted to discuss something when she gets back.

* * *

“Cullen?” It was Ellana. His eyes soften and his mouth goes dry. He hasn’t seen her since their fight a few weeks back. Despite all that time, he immediately loses any courage he had built over the past few days. She doesn’t look any different than usual. Hair loose, catching at her ears and shoulders--messy but it looked intentional. He couldn’t make eye contact with her.

“As leader of the Inquisition, you…” he sighs and continues, “there’s something I must tell you.”

“Whatever it is, you know you can tell me, Cullen.” He looks up and sees her looking at him as she usually does. Eyes that worshipped him, that respected him--eyes that should not for all he has done.

“Right. Thank you. Lyrium grants templars our abilities, but it controls us as well. Those cut off suffer--some go mad, others die. We have secured a reliable source of lyrium for the templars here. But I…” he struggles to get the last bit out, “no longer take it.”

“You stopped?” He’s really unable to look at her in her eyes now. _Is she shocked?_

“When I joined the Inquisition. It’s been months now.”

“Why are you doing this?” she says filled with worry.

“After what happened in Kirkwall, I couldn’t... I will not be bound to the Order--or that life--any longer. Whatever the suffering. I accept it. But I would not put the Inquisition at risk. I have asked Cassandra to...watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty.”

“Are you in pain?”

“I can endure it.”

“Thank you for telling me. I respect your decision. If there’s anything I can do to help with the pain-”

“Thank you...Inquisitor. You don’t have to worry about that.The Inquisition’s army must always take priority. Should anything happen...I will defer to Cassandra’s judgment.” She nodded and smiled softly at him. She didn’t look at him any differently. He’s not sure if he should be happy or sad about that.

* * *

 _Would Ellana act upon her feelings?_ He knew he wouldn’t. It was clear after their day playing chess that she wanted to. _How do I feel about her?_ Watching her concentrated face, listening to her talk, observing her intelligence, his feelings for her only grew. However, she deserves better. He didn’t understand why she would choose him. _What if she initiated it? Would I accept?_ He wouldn’t be able to help himself if she came up to him and asked him.

Problem is, here she is, standing in front of him, asking to talk alone.

“Alone? I mean, of course.” _Maker, what do I say to her? Please let it just be about something else--like the phylactery or...mage...things?_ They walk in silence on the battlements, luckily, no one was there. _What do I say?_

“It’s a...nice day,” he manages, beating himself internally for saying something so daft.

“What?”

“It’s a...There was something you wished to discuss?” _Just get it over with_. He daringly looks at her, seeing her contemplate. He wasn’t sure if he wanted her to say something about them or not. Maybe he was reading this whole situation wrong.

“I find myself...thinking of you.” _Oh no._ “More than--well, all the time, really.” _Maker, she said it_. Her voice is shaky but she never breaks eye contact, he manages to return her gaze.

He chooses his words carefully, hesitating to tell her the truth, “I can’t say I haven’t wondered what it would be like.”

“What’s stopping you?”

“You’re the Inquisitor,” she immediately frowns but he pushes on. Maybe he might convince her this isn’t such a good idea. “We’re at war. And you...I didn’t think it was possible.”

She sighs, “La splendeur des coeurs perdus.”

“What?”

“Josephine said that to me once, it means ‘the splendor of lost hearts.’ She said it's where passion is known but both parties can’t act upon them.”

“I see.”

“I thought about it a lot, it...makes me worried that I could put you in danger if I act upon my feelings. Not only that, I don’t want to hurt you...should...something...happen to me.” Cullen gave her a pained look in response, he has thought of this as well. It’s clear they both know the risks but they both can’t help how they feel. She reaches out for his arm and he thinks about shying away. His mind tells him no but his heart aches for her. Barely above a whisper, she asks him, “I know what the right answer is and if you tell me that answer I’ll bring this to an end, but, Cullen, what if we were selfish--just this once?” Her pale blue eyes piercing through him.

 _I know what the answer is but I don’t want this to bring closure to this just yet..._ He inches closer to her, his heart is pounding in his chest, “It seems too much to ask...but…I want to as well.” He leans in, but hears the door creak.

“Commander.” She turns away from him and he scowls. He turns to the unlucky messenger.

“You wanted a copy of Sister Leliana’s reports.” _I am going to wring his neck_. “What?” he asks to gritted teeth.

“Sister Leliana’s report. You wanted it delivered “without delay.” Cullen glared at him, willing him to understand he had to go. Now.

The scout turns over and sees Ellana there, then back at Cullen, then gets the idea, “Or...to your office...right…” he backs away slowly.

The door creaks open and Ellana says “If you need to--” he cuts her off by swooping in for a kiss. It is perfect. Her lips were soft, she tasted slightly sweet--like a hint of apples. He feels her wrap her arms around him. He places his hand on her cheek wishing it was ungloved so he can finally feel her skin. He pulls back, realizing he must have surprised her.

“I’m sorry... that was um...very nice.”

“That was perfect.” she says dreamily. He beams and leans in to kiss her again. He felt very dizzy and the butterflies in his stomach won’t stop. He doesn’t know how long they stand there, it felt like an eternity but when she pulls away, he felt like it wasn’t long enough. He could feel the greedy gnawing in his heart for more. She sighs happily and rests her head against his chest. He runs his hand through his hair. _Maker, how long have I wanted to do something as simple as this_.

“How long have you wanted to do that?” she murmurs against his chest as if reading his mind.

He scoffs, “Longer than I should admit.”

She giggles, “Likewise.” His heart flutters at the sound. They stood in silence for a little while longer.

“Does it bother you...that I’m Dalish or that I’m a mage.”

“Once, I would have never cared for any mages, but I’m not that man anymore. As for being Dalish, I hadn’t considered. Elves weren’t treated differently in the Circles I served.” he pauses. “I didn’t think what it might mean to you...I hope that doesn’t--I mean, _does_ it...bother you?”

“No--if you care for me, that’s all that matters. I wasn’t trying to put you on the spot. I was just worried you might…”

“No, if I seem unsure, it’s because it’s been a long time since I’ve wanted _anyone_ in my life and...I didn’t know how you felt about me. I didn’t know if it was all in my head.” He felt her arms tighten around him and he stroked her hair again. She whispers that she likes that and he smiles and strokes her hair one more time.

She loosens her grip and looks up at him. “The Commander of the Inquisition and the Herald of Andraste. That will have people talking.”

He sighs and lets her go and he rubs the back of his neck, already nervous of what’s to come. “You wouldn’t believe how quickly gossip spread through the barracks.”

“Does this...bother you?”

“I would rather our private affairs remain that way, but I doubt that will happen.”

She nods, “I don’t think us disappearing for this long will add to that.”

“Yes...I’ll see you later?”

“Of course.” He leans in for one quick kiss and smile as they part ways. It’s been a long time since he felt himself smiling genuinely.  


	11. Whatever Happens, Don't Come Out

“I heard about...the Inquisitor and you.”

Cullen sighed, another person here to lecture him about the risks he already knows. This time, it was Samson.

“So it’s true then?”

“Yes, of course.” They stood there staring at one another. “Look, Samson, you are my friend but you’re not the first one to come and lecture me. I’ve had just about everyone come through that door.” he pauses. “Except Iron Bull, he congratulated me and Sera made some obscene jokes. Anyways, we know the risks. We’ve discussed it with one another but…” Cullen sighed again. “I care for her greatly.”

“A noble sentiment. Unfortunately, just because that is true, doesn’t mean it won’t turn out to be a tragedy.”

“I know.”

“Does she know everything?”

Cullen eyes Samson suspiciously, “What do you mean?”

“She’s a mage. You didn’t tell her about your past?” Cullen doesn’t respond.

“So what, you wait until one day she finds out?” He remains silent. “Cullen?”

“I don’t know how to tell her.”

“You don’t know, or you are afraid to tell her?” Cullen sighs. “The longer you wait, the more she will resent you for it.” Silence again. “Cullen, you are my friend. I...wish you weren’t with her. It’s not good for you--for either of you.”

“You’re trying to break us up.” Cullen scowls.

“No, if I were, I would go up to her and tell her your past. I am just looking out for you.” He’s right, Samson is just trying to help him.

“And her?”

“What about her?”

“Has she told you her secrets?”

Cullen laughed, “If there were, Leliana would have found them and reported them to us.”

Samson smirked, “Our Inquisitor is quite the shining star. Not a single blemish.”

Cullen smiled, “Yes, she is.” _And that’s why I feel the way I do about her..._

“If there’s anything you want to talk about, I am happy to lend an ear. You are one of my closest friends, Cullen.” Cullen nods in response and feels thankful that so many people support him.

* * *

Ellana doesn’t like the undead. Every report from Fallow Mire has at least a sentence or two about them. He laughs to himself every time she sends a serious report about what was happening, but also includes an off-topic sentence about how much she doesn’t like them.

She’s been gone for a while and he quite missed her. He felt it was inappropriate to send her a personal letter to her but he missed talking to her. When she listened to him, it seemed like nothing else in the world mattered. Corypheus could be standing right behind him and she wouldn’t even turn her gaze to him. Suddenly, he realized that she rarely talked about herself, she mostly asked him questions and interjected with her thoughts. She knew about his family and he knew about her clan--mostly about her Keeper but not much else. He wasn’t sure if her parents were still alive or if she even has siblings. He frowned at that thought. To grow so close already but to not know much about her--he felt superficial.

He closed his eyes and thought hard. He still _knew_ her. He knows she comes off as emotionless, stoic. Many under him describe her as such, adding to their ideals that she is the Herald of Andraste, she is their flawless and courageous leader. He has seen past this mask that she wears, when her face lights up with laughter or when her eyes go dark and narrow like the sharpest dagger. There was a darkness in her whose origin was unknown to him. She who is just and always puts herself before the lives of others much to his disagreement. She who goes out to clear out a bandit camp instead of letting her troops go because she cites that “only she can do it right” but in reality, it is “she would rather put herself at risk.” He sighs at that thought. Now more than ever, he does not agree with these escapades she ventures out on. This is why he doesn’t understand and is ever surprised by her dark and slightly cruel comments. The other day, she asked him if he heard about the traitor among Leliana’s ranks. He had but he did not know much more about it. She looked at him with those eyes and told him she urged Leliana to kill him. “They should know better than to betray the Inquisition.” He shuddered thinking about it.

Just then a crow flew in, it was a note from Ellana stating they will be back in a few hours. He excitedly hurries off to prepare for their meeting.

* * *

He paced his room back and forth, not sure what to make of his feelings. He was angry at himself for not outright asking her to let him be her escort. He was also upset that she added to Josephine and Leliana’s teasing. Mostly, he felt longing desire for her that didn't blossom until he saw her walk in. She apologizes for her actions earlier and he rushes over to kiss her.

The past few days, his lyrium withdrawal has gotten worse. Ellana was the only thing that made the shakes and pain go away. He kissed her like she was his lifeline. As a replacement for the lyrium, he wanted more. When she does grant him access, his tongue darts around as if for every new area he explored, his withdrawal symptoms would decrease. His desire for her starts growing before he forces himself off of her. She stares hazily back at him and he turns away in shame. His body is betraying him, wanting to take more than he deserved. He didn't want to give her the wrong impression, that all he was after was a roll in the bed.  Even then, he hadn't told her about his past. _What would she think of me then?_ He already pushed too far too fast with that deep of a kiss. In his shame, he comes up with an excuse to dismiss her. He does not watch her leave.

* * *

On the road, things seem back to normal. She eagerly rides next to him and recalls the events in Fallow Mire. At some point during a lull in the conversation, he asks her about her family.

“Well, there's the Keeper. She was the one that trained me.”

“What about family?”

“I don't remember them. They're dead.”

“Oh...I'm sorry. I didn't know.”

She laughs. “Didn't you read Leliana’s reports? I have, they are very throughout. I even learned a few things.”

“I skipped to the combat section because that's all I was concerned about,” he says rubbing the back of his neck.

“That's alright.”

“So do you miss them?”

She paused and tilted her head quizzically. “Do you miss something you don’t remember? Do you wonder about a puzzle piece that doesn’t quite fit into the puzzle? Home is wherever I am. I do miss them, as anyone would miss people they are close to, but I never felt like I belonged...I jumped at the opportunity to leave the clan to come here, though no one expected I would end up _here_.” Cullen felt a little sad for her.

“I see, so no siblings?”

“Well, I was raised by Deshanna who had a child herself. Admah. I guess he would be similar to a brother. Once, we were close but he was also a mage and was originally destined to become her First. I think he always resented me for that.”

“Oh.” _To have grown up for so long only to be “close” to one person. How lonely her life must’ve been._

“So yes, no close ties to anyone other than Deshanna. Why do you ask?”

“You know about my family but I realized I knew nothing about yours.”

She laughed. “That’s because there’s no one to know about. You’re...the first one I’ve ever felt this close to,” she says shyly. He almost reaches over but remembers that he was surrounded by their troops.

He leans closer to her and says softly to her. “As do I.”

* * *

They were going to be late at this point. He doesn’t understand what was taking Vivienne, Leliana, and Josephine so long to get Ellana ready. Everyone else was downstairs at the ready.

This morning, they had determined that Bull and Varric would stay behind as one held a key and the other didn’t. A summable portion of Leliana’s spies and his troops would stay behind as “reserve.” Really, they were there to protect Bull and Varric.

He hears some commotion and turns around and sees Ellana. His jaw nearly drops seeing her glisten in the setting sun. Her hair was elegantly pulled taut and tucked underneath hiding where it ends and giving the illusion that it was much longer than he knows it is. It showed off her pale slender neck which was adorned with a beautiful gold necklace. The black dress made her pale skin stand out. The rest of her dress had gold pieces which he thought were not only beautiful but would protect her in combat. His eyes trailed down her neck and down the deep-v cut. He quickly felt the blood rising to his face and turned away.

He hears her near him and turns back to her. “You look very handsome Commander.”

He takes her hand in his and lightly kisses her fingers.

“And you are stunning,” he murmurs against them.

She smiles and a light blush appears on her face. “My lady?” he juts out his arm and she hooks her arm around his. He can feel everyone’s eyes upon them and he can hear Dorian tsking loudly. He shoots Dorian a glare who smirks back at him.

“Inquisitor, you look beautiful!” Josephine exclaims.

“Yes, and the Commander has cleaned himself up as well,” Leliana teases. _There’s no winning with these two._

“Thank you, I wouldn’t look this way if it wasn’t for Vivienne and you two,” Ellana beams.

“Well, we must be off then, the palace is not far from here,” Josephine says as she ushers them into the carriage.

He helps her into the carriage. He realizes that the two of them will be alone in this carriage--a welcoming situation. Ellana is still beaming, probably realizing the same thing as he did.

“Are you worried?”

The smile fades and turns into a curious look, “About?”

“The...nobles and the Game.”

“No, I think I can handle myself.”

“So confident,” he smirks.

She looks longingly at him and he starts to feel embarrassed. He clears his throat and looks away. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees her turn her gaze out the window and she places her hand on his thigh. They ride in a comfortable silence the rest of the way.

 


	12. No One is Alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favorite part of the game! I love having the Inquisitor beating all the nobility at The Game

To recap the past few days, Ellana was introduced to Hawke. Much to Cassandra’s anger, however as Varric lied to her and told her he was inaccessible. Hawke told her all he knew with his encounter with Corypheus and how he has a lead on all the missing Wardens. He urged her to take care of business in Halamshiral while he continued to investigate. So, here Ellana stood in the War Room, discussing preparations with her advisors.

“All arrangements have been made for the ball in Halamshiral,” Leliana reports.

“Well, not  _ all _ ,” Josephine adds. She seemed a little too giddy.

“What else do we have to do?” Ellana asks.

“Lady Vivienne and I have a tailor coming for you today to make your dress!”

“Oh.”

Now Leliana also seemed giddy. “Also,” she tosses a playful glance over to Josephine who starts giggling, “You will need an escort.” Ellana looks over at Cullen whom immediately stiffens.

“And who...did you have in mind?” Ellana says slowly turning back to Leliana.

“Whoever you want, Inquisitor.” Leliana and Josephine continue to give each other mischievous glances. Ellana deduces that they must know about Cullen and her by now and that Cullen must not want to go.

“I see...I could take Dorian.” Leliana and Josephine snap their head over to Ellana.

“No!” Josephine says then quickly covers her mouth. “I mean if that’s what you want Inquisitor.” Cullen clears his throat.

“It would be best if you didn’t have a mage by your side Inquisitor, especially a Tevinter one, isn’t that right Josephine?”

“Yes...yes! The nobles in the Winter Palace will not approve of that. We want to represent the Inquisition to their liking--not that we dislike Mister Pavus but we need to play The Game.”

“Ok, so it sounds like you did have someone in mind,” Ellana smirks.

“Very good Inquisitor. It seems we don't have to train you much on The Game at all.” Leliana praised. 

“So this was a test then?” Ellana said raising one of her eyebrows.

“No, but it has been quite enlightening. You should take a warrior with you since you are a mage.”

“I see.”

Josephine adds in, “But not Iron Bull, for the same reasons as Dorian. Halamshiral will not take too kindly to a Qunari.”

“So that leaves Cassandra or Blackwall…” she turns her gaze to Cullen. He stares her down and clears his throat again. She smirks, “Is everyone coming?”

“Yes, we want everyone--both your advisors and inner circle--to be there to help out. As for the key, one key holder will be selected at random to stay behind. One other non-keyholder will also stay behind to throw anyone that even knows about it off especially since we don't know what will happen at the palace. We will decide who will stay and who will go just before we head out to keep it unknown until the last possible moment.”

Ellana nods. Leave it up to Leliana to remember such details. She had completely forgotten about the phylactery. Her zoning was interrupted by Cullen clearing his throat again. She tilted her head towards him. So did Josephine and Leliana. 

“Inquisitor...I think it would be best if I were by your side.” Leliana and Josephine snap their head back towards Ellana, eyes eager for her response. 

“Is that so?” she said in a mischievous voice.

“Yes,” he growls. She wasn't sure if she upset him with her teasing, but he looked so damn sexy wearing a snarl. 

“Then you'll be my escort,” she says softly as she sees the snarl melt off his face. There is a knock on the door as Vivienne enters with whom Ellana assumes is the tailor. Cullen excuses himself and as he leaves, Leliana yells to him that he must brush up on his dancing if he were to escort her. 

“As do you, Inquisitor. But, now let us look at dresses.”

Vivienne introduces her to get esteemed tailor from Val Royeaux and tells Ellana she already has the perfect dress.

“With your pale complexion and silver hair, you must wear something black. Saphi has already made something. Here.”

The dress was stunning to say the least. Black as the darkest night with a metal corset coated in gold. The corset had an intricate pattern etched in. Several matching gold-crusted metal pieces accented the dress--thin slivers at the apex of the shoulders jutted out to frame her shoulder and arm guards with matching etching that covered up to her elbows and bloomed at both ends into sharp edges. Finally, gold fabric outlined the dress especially at the deep-v cut that definitely drew attention to her breasts.  _ I wonder what Cullen would think? _

“Well don't just stand there my dear, try it on.“

Saphi helped Ellana into the dress and it fit perfectly, clearly, someone had already sent her dimensions prior. In the mirror, she saw what Vivienne meant. Her pale features stood out in stark comparison to the dress, neither overcoming the other. When she stepped out both Josephine and Leliana gasped and praised how perfect it was. Vivienne gave herself a pat on the back and told Ellana she had the jeweler prepare something else as well. She handed her a small box. Inside laid the most delicate necklace. Three thin rods of gold was twisted elegantly into a spiral with the gold chain attached at each end so the spiral laid horizontally. It was small but it was just enough to cover her bare neck. Everyone agreed that no alterations needed to be made. They quickly helped her out of the dress and she thanks them all profusely for it but quickly leaves to go see Cullen.

It’s been a few weeks since she’s been back. She just came back from Fallow Mire to deal with the undead there.  _ Bleh.  _ She wasn’t afraid of much, but she definitely feared the undead. It was too unnatural, too creepy. She knocked on Cullen’s door and opened when he beckoned her in. He was pacing the room but stopped and glared at her when she entered.

“What?” she asks immediately, “I was just teasing you.” He walks briskly over to her and wrapped his arms around her while planting his lips upon her--hungrily kissing her. She was definitely taken aback when he is usually so calm and reserved. He licks the bottom of her lips to ask for entrance. Again, surprising her but she grants him entrance. His tongue explores her mouth and she occasionally wraps hers around his as he pulls her closer. Just as suddenly as he starts, he pulls back swiftly placing his hands on her shoulder and pushing her back to arm’s length.

“Sorry,” he says huskily. She’s still weak to her knees for his kiss and stares at him dreamily. “I...didn’t mean to do that,” he lets her go and rubs the back of his neck.

“It’s okay. I quite liked that.” He smiles weakly at her but doesn’t make eye contact.

“You must have much to prepare for since we’re leaving for Halamshiral in a few days. I’ll leave you to it.”  _ Oh, he’s kicking me out _ . Perhaps he was embarrassed or something else is going on--she couldn’t tell--either way, she didn’t want to push him and took her leave.

* * *

Cullen’s eyes pierced her soul. They were full of lust. She parts her lips as he walks closer to her. He grabs her and kissed her like she’s never been kissed before. She nearly melts into his arms. His tongue hungrily looks for hers. Something is off though. Cullen isn’t usually this assertive. He releases her and growls. He starts to pull off her shirt. She’s in a daze, excited that they will be making love for the first time. She hazily looks over Cullen’s shoulder to see another Cullen. She jolts up and the Cullen on top of her pulls her down.

“Wait!” she screams struggling beneath his grip. She can still see the other Cullen through the struggle. He is bloody and slumped over. The Cullen on top of her screams with Envy’s voice waking her up.

_ Cullen will never hurt me. I would never hurt him. Envy is wrong. _

* * *

Cullen gingerly helps her out of the carriage. Grand Duke Gaspard was already waiting for her. Both Cullen and her put on their masks.  _ Wow. _ Cullen’s eyes stood out far more than usual when they were framed by the mask. She had to quickly turn away to stop the heat rising to her cheeks.

“It's a great pleasure to meet you, Inquisitor Lavellan,” he says approaching her.  She watches as he examines her from head to toe. Then watches Cullen grimace in displeasure. Gaspard ignores Cullen as they exchange pleasantries and discuss the potential of their alliance ever careful to not confirm it's existence. She didn't know who to side with here. _It's best to keep a neutral_ _ground._ Gaspard mentions a third party Ellana should look into: Briala. He warns her about being discreet and the Game, knowing little that she's capable. Gaspard heads inside before her and once he is out of earshot, Cullen growls. _He needs to stop doing that or I might jump him here._

“What?” Ellana asks.

“Did you see how he looked you over?”

“Yes,” she smirks, “are you jealous?”

“I-” He rubs the back of his neck and lowers his voice, “Everyone here is looking at you.”

“And you. You are just as handsome Commander. We shouldn’t keep Gaspard waiting.” He sighs in response. _I have to_ _thank Vivienne profusely for this outfit._

They head inside and Josephine warns her once again about the Game. Their presence is announced and many nobles gasp or look disapprovingly. Ellana walks up to greet the queen with Gaspard. Gaspard gets down to business but Celene brushes him off. She turns to Ellana.

“Lady Inquisitor. We welcome you to the Winter Palace. Allow us to present our cousin, the Grand Duchess of Lydes. Without whom this gathering would never have been possible.”

The woman next to Celene curtsies. “What an unexpected pleasure. I was not aware the Inquisition would be part of our festivities. We will certainly speak later, Inquisitor.”

Celene turns back to Ellana. “Your arrival at court is like a cool wind on a summer’s day.”

“Let’s hope the breeze does not herald an oncoming storm.” Ellana smiles slyly. 

Celene returns the smile at Ellana’s response. “Even the wisest mistake fair winds for foul. We are at the mercy of the skies, Inquisitor. Please, enjoy the festivities, Inquisitor.”

“Let us hope we foresee the storm lest we become caught in its whim,” Ellana says, curtsying. She goes to return to Cullen’s side. Leliana also appears and informs her of an occult advisor whom Leliana knows to be ruthless. Ellana agrees that is someone else to look into. Cullen splits up with her so that he can oversee sneaking the troops in while Ellana goes to investigate. She spends the first hour or so meeting nobles and making small talk with them. It was hard for her to get anywhere without being stopped and asked questions about her latest battles. One noble she enjoyed meeting was Josephine’s sister Yvette, whom she thought was the polar opposite of Josephine.

When she finally made it into the Hall of Heroes, she overhears some servant elves talking. She makes out something about a package in the guest wing’s upper room. There were some other elves that warn her to not enter the servant’s quarters for no elf has come out of there alive.  _ Intriguing, I should definitely bring back up if I am to go there _ . She ends up finding a cylinder seal with notes about what seems to be spy movements--specifically Briala’s spies.  _ Hm, so Briala has this whole place infiltrated. _ She heads out to the gardens next and is confronted by Celene’s ladies in waiting. 

“The Empress has sent us with a message for you!”

“I’m always honored to hear from Her Majesty.” Ellana smiles.

“Oh! She is the honored one, Inquisitor!”

“Empress Celene is eager to assist the Herald of Andraste in her holy endeavor. She will pledge her full support to the Inquisition as soon as the usurper Gaspard is defeated.”

“That’s a generous offer,” Ellana replies.

“The Empress believes wholeheartedly that the Inquisition is our best hope for peace in these difficult times.”

“She looks forward to cementing a formal alliance.”

“As soon as Gaspard is out of the way.” They excuse themselves and bid Ellana farewell. They whisk themselves away as fast as they approached Ellana. Cole appears and tells her to climb the lattice. 

“What, are you insane?”

“I’ll make them forget. Quickly!” He urges her up. She climbs up and sees blood. She follows it behind a door and find a bunch of dead bodies. She groans and checks their pulse. She sighs when she discovers they are all dead. They must be someone important to the negotiations as she finds a letter between Celene and Gaspard about allying with each other to take down Briala. She turns around to head into the library. Inside she finds another letter addressed to Lady M. By the contents, it seems like the occult advisor that Leliana mentioned. She pockets the letter and hears the bells ring. It’s time to head back for the opening ceremony. She arrives back at the ballroom after the second bell.

Before she enters the ballroom, she hears “Well, well. What have we here?” The voice had an accent that Ellana could not place. She turns around to see a pale beautiful woman with hair as dark as a raven. 

“The leader of the new Inquisition. Fabled Herald of the faith. Delivered from the grasp of the Fade by the hand of Blessed Andraste herself.” The unknown woman put her hands on her hip and tilted her chin back. Her voice was thick with sarcasm. “What could bring such an exalted creature here to the Imperial Court, I wonder? Do even you know?”

“We may never know. Courtly intrigues and all that.” Ellana answers with a sly look on her face. 

“Such intrigues obscure much, but not all. I am Morrigan. Some call me advisor to Empress Celene on matters of the arcane.”  _ Ah, so she is the occult advisor. _

Morrigan starts walking away and Ellana follows. “You...have been very busy this evening, hunting in every dark corner of the Palace. Perhaps you and I hunt the scene prey?”

“I don't know. Do we?” Ellana knew she had to be careful as she did not know whether she was friend or foe.

Morrigan let out a hearty laugh. “You are being coy.”

“I'm being careful,” Ellana corrects her. 

Morrigan gives her an approving nod. “Not unwise, here of all places. Allow me to speak first, then.” Morrigan reveals there was an agent of Tevinter that she discovered who attacked her leading her to kill him. On that body was a key. Morrigan explains that she cannot leave Celene’s side while her life is in danger but she believes the Inquisitor will have more freedom to investigate the location the key leads to. Ellana immediately questioned what she would get out of keeping Celene safe. No one works without benefit. 

“If anything were to happen to Celene, eyes would turn first to her ‘occult advisor.’ Even if they knew otherwise. There are sharks in the water, and I will not fall prey to them. Not now, not ever.”

Ellana nods approvingly. “Well, I may find the time to try a door or two.” They bid each other farewell and she realizes she missed the opening ceremony. Cullen approaches her. 

“Inquisitor! Where have you been?”

“Investigating. It seems no one here is innocent.”

“Typical. Did you expect any better?”

Ellana sighed. “No, but I was hoping someone would be more innocent than the others.” She peered over Cullen’s shoulders to see a mass of both men and women gawking and behind them, people dancing.

“You’ve attracted a following. Who are all these people?”

“I don’t know, but they won’t leave me alone.”

“Not enjoying the attention, then?” Ellana smirked.

Cullen rolled his eyes in response. “Hardly,” he paused, “Anyway, yours--” He clears his throat and looks nervously at her. “Yours is the only attention worth having.”

Ellana beamed back at him. She noticed the dance was ending. “I don’t suppose you’d save a dance for me?”

“No, thank you.”

“Oh.” She was a little surprised but Cullen was the least enthusiastic about this trip. She had hoped he would still dance with her if she asked.

“No. I didn’t mean to--Maker’s breath! I’ve answered that question so many times I’m rejecting it automatically. I’m not one for dancing. The templars never attended balls.”

Despite being incredibly disappointed, she didn’t want to push it so she decided to change the subject. “I’ve overheard from some servants about the danger in the servant’s quarters. I believe this key that Morrigan gave me will unlock the door to that area. Would you accompany me?”

“Morrigan?”

“You know her?”

“She was the Hero of Ferelden’s lover. We met when they came by the Circle Tower though I don’t really know her.”  _ No wonder Leliana knows her. _ Ellana nods in response. “What kind of danger are we talking about?”

“Some servants said no one has returned from the quarters--that it’s a death sentence.”

Cullen’s eyes narrowed. “At least we know to be on our guard.”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

* * *

When they entered the room, a strong metallic scent hit their noses. They both knew that that was the smell of blood. Cullen turns to her and gestures to be on their guard. In the bedroom next to where they entered, there were several bodies there. Cullen sighed and checked the pulse of any body he found to see if they were still alive. In the gardens, near a fountain, they found a body that had been killed with a knife with the crest of the Chalons family. 

As Ellana contemplated how to confront Gaspard, they heard a scream. They looked over towards the scream and saw what Ellana presumed to be a servant get slaughtered by a person dressed like a harlequin. The harlequin disappears with a puff of smoke only to reappear at the top of the balcony. 

“C’mon!” Ellana tells Cullen as she rushes after the culprit. They get stopped by Venatori but Cullen with a quick sweep of his arm pulls Ellana back behind him. She isn't armed but she can still cast spells albeit poorly. She has to concentrate to ensure she doesn't miss. She casts a barrier on them both and watches as Cullen makes quick work of them. 

As he pulls out the sword he sunk into the last of them, he sighs shaking his head, “You should be careful about running ahead like that.”

“You were there. Besides, I can still cast.”

His brows furrow lower. “I know it's not easy without a staff.” 

“I'm fine. The harlequin is getting away.”

“Right. But I'll lead this time.” Ellana nods in response. They continue forward, fighting any Venatori they encounter. 

As he led, Ellana had a clear view of his focused face. She didn't like what she saw or felt. She had to be reliant on Cullen for protection. She was always more comfortable with it the other way around. This situation was unnerving her more and more as she thought about it. She was actually more scared of this than facing a dragon. Yet, she had little choice in the matter. She was wearing a dress in heels and she was unarmed. 

While deep in thought, something catches her eyes. They come across a room that looked like the Empress’s safe. Ellana thinks they should go snooping, much to Cullen’s disapproval. She does anyways and an elven locket immediately catches her eye. 

“What's this?” she mumbles to herself. 

“Are you really stealing from Celene? Weren't we worried about the harlequin?”

“Cullen, remember that rumor about Briala and Celene?” she says completely ignoring what he just said. He raises an eyebrow in response. “I think the Empress is more sentimental than we all thought.” She raises the locket to Cullen.

“Hm, we should give that to Leliana. She'll be able to use it for blackmail.”

She nods. “That's what I was thinking.”

“C’mon then.”

 

Shortly after encountering and dispatching the harlequin, Briala appears.  “Fancy meeting you here,” Briala says. “Shouldn’t you be dancing, Inquisitor? What will the nobility say?”

Ellana sighs and shakes her head dramatically, “No doubt there’s a line of people breathlessly waiting for dances with me.”

Briala smiles slyly. “I wouldn’t be surprised if there was.” She looks around at the corpses. “You cleaned this place out. It will take a month to get all the Tevinter blood of the marble. I came down to save or avenge my missing people, but you’ve beaten me to it. So...The Council of Heralds’ emissary in the courtyard...that’s not your work, is it?”

“He was dead when I arrived.”

“I expected as much. You may have arrived with the Grand Duke, but you don’t seem to be doing his dirty work. I knew he was smuggling in chevaliers, but killing a council emissary? Bringing Tevinter assassins into the palace? Those are desperate acts. Gaspard must be planning to strike tonight.”

“Hm,” Ellana responds, not knowing what to say.

“Anyways, I misjudged you, Inquisitor. You might just be an ally worth having. What could you do with an army of elven spies at your disposal? You should think about it.”

“Everything comes with a price.”

“Help me help our people. I know which way the wind is blowing. I’d bet coin that you’ll be part of the peace talks before the night is over. And if you happen to lean a little bit our way? It...could prove advantageous to us both. Just a thought.” She hops over the ledge and disappears into one of the buildings.

“You aren’t going to do that are you?” Cullen asked. He seemed annoyed with the whole conversation.

“I don’t know. I knew our involvement might lead to this, but I didn’t know I might be choosing who rules over Orlais. Why should I decide that?”

“We should go talk to Leliana and Josephine.”

* * *

Back in the ballroom, Cullen heads off to gather Leliana and Josephine. 

“Inquisitor Lavellan?” Ellana turned to see the Grand Duchess. “We met briefly. I am Grand Duchess Florianne de Chalons. Welcome to my party,” she says, curtsying.

“Why am I not at all surprised that you want to see me now?” she said, unable to hide her annoyance anymore.

“This is Orlais, Inquisitor. Nothing happens by accident.”

“No. Nothing does.”

The Duchess nods back and starts walking towards the dance floor. “I believe tonight you and I are both concerned by the actions of...a certain person. Come, dance with me. Spies will not hear us on the dance floor.”

“Very well. Shall we dance, Your Grace?”

“I’d be delighted.”

They head to the dance floor and began dancing. Thankfully, Leliana had prepared her for this. They had practiced it so much, she didn’t have to worry about her movements and could focus on the conversation at hand.  _ Ironic I'm dancing with a woman instead of my date.  _

“Have the Dalish gained a sudden passion for politics? What do you know about our civil war?”

“I assure you, the effects of this war reached far beyond the borders of the Orlesian Empire.”

“Perhaps it does. I should not be surprised to find the empire is the center of everyone’s world. It took great effort to arrange tonight’s negotiations. Yet one party would use this occasion for blackest treason. The security of the Empire is at stake. Neither one of us wishes to see it fall.”

“Do we both want that, Lady Florianne?”

“I hope we are of one mind on this.”

“In times like these, it’s hard to tell friend from foe, is it not, Your Grace?” Ellana said, narrowing her eyes.

“I know you arrived here as a guest of my brother, Gaspard. And have been everywhere in the palace… You are a curiosity to many, Inquisitor...and a matter of concern to some.”

“Which am I to you, Your Grace?”

“A little of both, actually. This evening is of great importance, Inquisitor. I wonder what role you will play in it. Do you even yet know who is friend and who is foe? Who in the court can be trusted?”

“I trust no one,” Ellana says darkly.

“In the Winter Palace, everyone is alone. It cannot have escaped your notice that certain parties are engaged in dangerous machinations tonight.”

“Isn’t everyone?” The song started to wind down.

“You have little time. The attack will come soon. You must stop Gaspard before he strikes. In the Royal Wing garden, you fill find the captain of my brother’s mercenaries. He knows all Gaspard’s secrets. I’m sure you can persuade him to be forthcoming.” They bow to one another.

As Ellana parts ways, she says over her shoulder “We’ll see what the night has in store, won’t we?” Josephine quickly corners Ellana as she walks off the dance floor. 

“You’ll be the talk of the court for months. We should take you dancing more often.”

“Yeah...it was nice.” She looks over Josephine’s shoulder to see Cullen and Leliana approach. It reminds her that she’ll never get to dance with Cullen.

Leliana immediately asks what happened with her dance. Ellana explains everything that happened and how she might have to pick who to save. She doesn’t like any of her choices--all three of them have their hands dirty. Looking towards the future, Gaspard wanted to return Orlais to a military power and begin conquering again. Ellana wasn’t looking for chaos to occur after Corypheus was done. Although she was sympathetic to Briala, she knew the current social state was not ready for an Elven ruler. That just left Celene. She decided to approach her about the locket. 

She head on over to her ladies in waiting and showed them the locket. They immediately rushed to get Celene. Celene grants her audience and apologizes for not meeting with her earlier. Ellana shows her the locket and sees Celene’s face sink.

“I found an elven locket sealed in the palace vault. You must have considered it quite valuable.”

“It was...sentimental. I don’t know why I kept it. It was a foolish thing to do.”  _ Being sentimental, loving someone, it all can come back to hurt us.  _ Celene explains their falling out, how Briala wanted change but Celene was unable to provide. 

“We all make mistakes,” Ellana says sympathetically. Celene thanks her and excuses herself. 

“So, what now?” Cullen asks.

“Let’s head to the Royal Wing.”

* * *

Shortly after exploring a few rooms in the Royal Wing, Ellana hears a woman scream to stay back. Cullen and her rush to the source of the noise to find another harlequin attacking an elf. Cullen runs at her and kicks her out the window much to Ellana’s amusement. She finds out that this elf was tricked by Briala because she knew about how Celene and Briala’s relationship lasted through Celene’s purge of the alienage. She told the elf to return to Josephine and Leliana who would keep her safe. 

In the next room over, she heard someone else crying for help. She unlocked the room to find a man, strapped to the bed completely naked. Cullen looked visibly uncomfortable. Apparently, in return for giving Celene Gaspard’s secrets, she was to “reward” him. Now, Celene knows that Gaspard is going to attempt to assassinate her and use it to her advantage. Cullen groaned.  _ He’s probably thinking what I’m thinking. What a mess. _ She sighs and tells him to get dressed and to go back to where Josephine and Leliana are. She was securing quite a lot of evidence against all three potential leaders. 

Further into the wing, she hears another man yelling.  _ What are all these people doing? _ As she walked towards the commotion, they both smelled the blood before they actually saw the bodies. 

“Inquisitor, stay back,” he growled. They cautiously moved forward through some doors into a courtyard. Eight archers stood in front of them, ready to shoot. Her hand pulsed, there was a rift that was closed nearby. She quickly hid her hand behind her.

“Inquisitor! What a pleasure! I wasn’t certain you’d attend.” She recognized that voice, it was Florianne. “You’re such a challenge to read. I had no idea if you’d taken my bait.”

“Here I thought you wanted to just meet me discreetly for another dance.”

Florianne looked annoyed at Ellana’s comment. “Yes, I see that. Such a pity you did not save one final dance for me. It was kind of you to walk into my trap so willingly. I was so tired of your meddling. Corypheus insisted that the empress die tonight, and I would hate to disappoint him.”  _ Ah, so he is behind this. _ She goes on to explain her motivation and what Corypheus has offered her: safety and power once he takes over. 

“I’m sorry to say, but he and disappointment are old friends.” Florianne disagrees and continues to gloat and tell Ellana that the assassination was to occur in the ballroom shortly after she disposes of them. Florianne orders her archers to kill her and walks away. As the arrows come flying out, Ellana throws a barrier on them both as a precaution but they both successful rolled to safety. She immediately raises her hand and opens the rift stunning the archers. Cullen makes quick work of them as she takes care of the demons coming out of the rift. 

“Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea!” Cullen yells at her as the demons continue to flow out. It was hard to keep up with him when she was without a staff but they still managed to clean up and close the rift. She turns to the man that was tied up. He seemed in shock from the demons but she manages to get information out of him. Apparently, he was a mercenary group hired by Gaspard to help with the infiltration. She told him to quickly make his way back to safety. They had to rush back to the ballroom to stop the assassination. Celene was about to make her speech. She spotted Florianne, Gaspard, and Briala just on the steps underneath her. 

“We own the court one more show, Your Grace.”

The look on Florianne’s face brought a smirk to Ellana’s face. “Inquisitor,” she responded in pursed lips.

“The eyes of every noble in the empire are upon us, Your Grace. Remember to smile.” Low murmuring began to rise in the crowd behind her. “This is your party. You wouldn’t want them to think you had lost control.” She began to approach the steps.

Florianne began to back towards the wall, “Who would not be delighted to speak with you, Inquisitor?” Her words were shakey.  

“Hmm, what was it again,” Ellana pretended to think. She snapped her fingers, “That’s right, you just told me ‘All I needed was to keep you out of the ballroom long enough to strike.’ Unfortunately, your archers failed to kill me, I was so sad I might miss out on this final dance of ours.” Gasps broke out at Ellana’s testimony. Ellana continued to list everything she found out about Florianne’s conspiracy. 

“This is very entertaining, but you do not imagine anyone believes your wild stories?”

Celene interjects, “That is for a judge to decide, cousin.” She tries to garner support from Gaspard who walks away from her.

“You should have listened to me in the courtyard. It seems disappointment has also befriended you.” The guards move in to arrest her. Ellana quickly pulled the three leaders aside for a meeting. They immediately begin arguing with one another and placing the blame on each other. 

“All of you stop,” Ellana raised her voice.  _ So annoyed _ . “Every one of you is implicated. You all conspired to allow this to happen.” Ellana lists all of the evidence she found that proved so. “If you don’t want your dirty secrets revealed, you’ll all do as I say and work together.”

They have no choice but to agree. Celene goes to make a speech stating the three would be working together. Ellana adds to the speech stating that only together could they fight against this threat. Celene calls for a celebration as peace has been reached. Ellana quickly sulks away, exhausted from running all over the palace and dealing with diplomats. 

Outside on the balcony, she finds Morrigan was also hiding out here. “The Orlesian nobility make drunken toasts to your victory, and yet you are not present to hear them? Do you tire so quickly of their congratulations, Inquisitor? ‘Tis most fickle, after all your efforts on their behalf.”

“I would have stayed, but the punch ran dry. Scandalous.”

Morrigan laughed, “Indeed? Let us see if you take this piece of news as poorly. By Imperial decree, I have been named liaison to the Inquisition.” Apparently, Celene assigned her to help. She would be able to provide arcane knowledge. Ellana welcomed her. She  _ was _ there to stop the Blight, any knowledge she could provide to help them defeat Corypheus is vastly valued.

She had a short chance to look out on the balcony before she heard familiar footsteps behind her. “There you are! Everyone’s been looking for you. Things have calmed down for the moment. Are you all right?” He leaned over next to her.

She sighed, “I’m just worn out. Tonight has been...taxing.”

“For all of us. I’m glad it’s over.” Cullen paused, “I know it’s foolish, but I was worried about you tonight. Even though I had you in my sight at all times.” He paused again, “I may never have another chance like this, so I must ask.” He takes a few steps behind her and she looked at him quizzically. He bends slightly over and holds out his hand, “May I have this dance, my lady?”

Ellana beamed back at him, “Of course. I thought you didn’t dance?”

He pulls her in close. “For you, I’ll try.” They start to dance to the music that could be heard through the door. She smiles and laughs. He messes up a few times and apologizes but seemed to enjoy himself. 

“I could dance with you forever,” she hums, resting her head into his chest. 

He laughs, “You should've picked a better dance partner then.” 

“You're perfect,” she says turning up to look at him.

“As are you.”


	13. What Do We Have Here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW!

It has been a long day. Ellana disappeared out of his sight shortly after he watched her cooly confront Florianne and the announcement of peace. He felt a second of panic as he had been on edge all night from the conspiracies and assassination plots they uncovered. Luckily,  he quickly finds her on the balcony alone. He checks in with her and summons the guts to ask her to dance. Her face lights up and it's clear that this made her day. Eventually, they get off the balcony to rejoin the rest of the party. Unfortunately, that seemed to be a bad idea as all the nobles immediately swarmed her for her attention and they continually offered her drinks. Cullen’s fan club also quickly flocked to him but he could still watch over Ellana. A few hours later of tirelessly declining every noble, he could tell Ellana was getting very drunk and tired. He pushed his way through the crowd to rescue her. 

“Ah, Cullen! Where were you?” She wasn't quite slurring her words yet but it was close.

“Sorry, everyone. The Inquisitor and I have to head back early tomorrow, please excuse us.” He bowed and dragged Ellana to the courtyard entrance. 

Ellana protested leaving, telling him they don't have to leave until late afternoon tomorrow but he ignored her. He called for their carriage to be brought by and the cool air seemed to sober her up. She shivered and Cullen wrapped his arms tighter around her.

“Why did you drink so much? I'm surprised by how much liquor you had before you got to this point considering how small you are,” he poked her forehead eliciting a pout. He laughed as the carriage approached. “Come, let's get you back.” He helped her into the carriage and she quickly fell asleep resting her head on his shoulders.  _ Overall, today was much better than I thought it might be.  _ He happily held her hand and gently stroked her fingers the whole ride back. Once there, he carried her in as she was sound asleep. 

Upon entering her room, he mused at how unnecessarily large the room. He set her down gently on the bed and turned to leave but he quickly felt something tugging at his coattails. Ellana was awake and pulling him to come back.

He chuckled, “Go back to sleep.”

“Stay the night.” 

He blushed and stammered at her bold request. “No- um- people would get the wrong idea.”

“I don't care.” 

“You're drunk Ellana.”

“You never call me by my name.” That stopped him in his tracks. He realized that he really doesn't. Some time passed before she broke the silence. “Do you not find me attractive?”

“What? No! I just-”

She looked down and her voice became barely a whisper, “I'm insecure when it comes to you.” Cullen immediately sat down by her side and cupped her face, searching for her eyes to look up.  _ I've never seen her like this. She's never the type to tell me how she really feels.  _

“Ellana, I'm sorry, I just wanted to give you space. I didn't want to rush things. I never thought it would make you feel that way.”

“Oh. Am I rushing you?”

He smiled, “No.”  _ But I haven't told you about... _

“I thought after that day in your office you would have made advances already. When you didn't…” she says finally looking back up to him. 

“Ah… so you remember that.” He felt the urge to rub the back of his neck. 

“How was I supposed to forget? You left me full of lust,” she blushed at the last sentence. “Um, nevermind. You can go back to your room,” she turns to lay down but Cullen catches her hand and kisses her wrist. 

She smiled softly back at him and looks to the left. “Can you help me out of my dress?”

Cullen could feel the heat rising to his cheeks. “Um, sure.” He nervously got up behind her and helped her take off her necklace first. Then with shaky fingers, he pulled down the zipper to reveal a black lace corset with matching hosiery. He dared to run his hands against the soft lace and murmured behind her, “You were wearing this all night?”

“Yeah, Vivienne thought it would make the dress look better,” she turned around and bit her lip nervously.  _ Wow. _

“You are… There are no words.” He reached down to tilt her chin up for a kiss. She takes a step closer towards him. 

He briefly pulls away. “I- um- this isn't your first time...perhaps?” He could feel his face turning red again. 

She laughs, “No.” She eyes him curiously, “Is it yours?”

“No- I mean- it's been a long time but-” 

“Wow, I'm surprised! The straight as an arrow Commander Cullen?”

He scoffs, “I wasn't always a Chantry boy.” 

Their jokes seemed to have eased their nervousness. Ellana’s eyes darken as she reached up for another kiss. He ran his hands along her waist.  _ What does she feel like underneath the lace?  _ He starts to undo the corset but she stops him.

“No fair. You haven't let me strip you,” she teased. She slowly begins unbuttoning his coat while giving him soft pecks in between.  He helps her pull the tunic over his head. As soon as it cleared, her hands were already all over him. He let out a soft sigh as she slowly felt his muscles and ran her fingers along each scar. 

“Ellana,” he says huskily as he renewed his attempt to undo her corset.  _ Getting impatient… _ The corset falls to the ground revealing her breasts. He picked her up by her hips causing her to yelp in surprise. He carries her over to the bed and gently lowers her down. She lets out an impatient moan as he works his kisses down her neck. He can feel himself getting harder with that first moan. He reaches her breast and cups one with his hand while running his tongue over the other. Her breath quicken and she twitches in response.

“Cullen!” she breathes his name with urgency. He looks up to see her breathing rapidly with eyes filled with lust.

He growled at the sight of her, “Don't ever make that face in front of anyone.” 

She let out a soft mew and said, “Please…”

He could feel himself losing it and he let out another growl. He quickly reaches down to pull her remaining clothing off and began kissing her belly slowly moving lower. 

Her breath hitches as she tells him, “No! It’s embarrassing…” 

“I'll stop if you want me to,” he says looking up at her and stopping his descent. 

“No, um…”  _ For once, she's the one stammering and nervous.  _ He gave her a devilish grin and continued. He could feel her anticipation growing as he got closer.  _ Savor it or give her what she wants? _ He decided the latter and licked her clit. She twitches and jerks to his touch.  _ She tastes as good as I imagined.  _ He continues teasing her with his tongue as he slips a finger inside.  _ Ah, so tight.  _ He feels her move her hips against him and he smiles to himself. He pushes a second finger in and she lets out a delighted moan. He could feel her pressure mounting and he stops just before. She lets out whimpers and protests and he assures her patience. He sits up to undo his shoes and pants and she sits up to try to help him. 

“Ellana, I don't need you to return the favor.”

She stops, “But I-”

“It makes me feel good to make you feel good.” He gently pushes her down and he sees her staring below his waist. He  chuckles, “Like what you see?” She turns bright red, covers her face with her hands, and murmurs something. “So cute,” he sighs happily, “Let me see you.” He pulls her arms away and lowers himself. She breathes excitedly as he slowly pushes in. She moans again, louder than before.

“Someone might hear you at this rate,” he whispers and kisses her ears. She doesn't respond and he continues slowly increasing his pace, egged on by her moaning his name. He feels his mind start to get hazy as they get closer. She starts to tighten around him just before she climaxes. When she does, she digs her nails into his back and calls his name, twitching and shaking against him. It's enough to push him over the edge as well as he thrusts in hard. Once he came down from his high he slowly pulls out and plants a million kisses all over her. Her breathing slows and shortly after, she was asleep.

He cuddles up next to her and whispers, “I love you.”

* * *

“Cullen,” he swore he heard someone calling for him. “Cullen, wake up.” He opened his eyes to see Ellana’s beautiful blue eyes stare down at him. 

He smiles, “A good dream for once.” He reaches up and pulls her to him.

“This isn't a dream,” Ellana says laughing and squirming against him. 

He kisses her, “That's what all dreams say.”

She laughs and pinches him in his side. 

“Hey, that hurts!” He gets a good look at her and realized she's dressed. “I slept through you getting up?”  _ I slept well then.  _

“Yeah, I kept the bath warm for you and sent someone to get your clothes and armor.” 

_ Oh, that's right.  _ He got up and walked towards the bath but he feels her eyes following him. He whips around and pounces on her. “If you keep looking at me like that, I won't be able to resist.”

“Oh really?” Her eyes don't change. He lets out a low growl and he kisses her neck. “What will everyone say to us being late?”

He stops, sighs, and gets up to take a bath. He sees her look at his semi-aroused state and smiles devilishly. He tries to ignore her stares to no avail.  _ Best to just quickly get dressed.  _ She helps him dry off but all it does is make him more aroused. She giggles when she realizes what she's doing. He kisses her and tells her to go do something else as he gets dressed. Finally, she decides to leave and go downstairs so they don't both arrive at the same time.  _ Maker, she'll be my undoing.  _

* * *

No one seemed to hear them last night or if they did, they were pretending not to. Once back in Skyhold, they both were immediately pulled to their usual duties. Before they even had a chance to breathe, Clan Lavellen sent a letter notifying their arrival tomorrow. 


	14. You Thought You Were Hidden?

She sighed at the news. She tried to keep her clan in her thoughts but it was so difficult with everything going on. She was sitting in the library when she noticed Dorian standing.

“So it's your turn? Guess it's only fair that I comfort you now.” She playfully slaps Dorian arm. “Hey now, this arm is worth more than you can afford.” She laughs again. “There's that smile… Speaking of, you have to give me the details.”

“What?”

“Oh don't play coy, I know how the Commander and you got it on.”

She turned bright red, “How did you-”

“It was written all over your face. Was it the punch? Emboldened the both of you?”

“Maybe… but,” she sighs happily thinking back on it.

“Oh no, it was that good? My heart aches, I should have snatched him when I had the chance. I always imagined what he'd be like under all that armor.”

Ellana pouted, “You’re not allowed to imagine that.”

“I shouldn't have asked you. Now I bet you want to run to his office.”

She sighs again, “I do.”

“Let's get back on topic. What is your clan coming here for?”

Her face tenses, “Probably to take me back.”

“Do you want to go back?”

“No, there's too much here that's unfinished.”

“Like the Commander,” Dorian winks.

“I swear on the Creators I will murder you Dorian.” He lets out a jovial laugh that echoes through the tower. She sees Leliana poke her head over the railing to look down disappointingly. She shrugs her shoulders back at her and hushed Dorian. _Tomorrow will not be filled with laughter._

* * *

She stood at the gates with her advisors behind her. When she saw their figures in the distance, she started fidgeting. Cullen must have noticed as he placed his hand on her arm and gave her a reassuring nod. She saw Deshanna riding in the front with a few others. The one that surprised her was Admah, Deshanna’s son and their Second. She awkwardly greeted them and introduced everyone.

“You must be tired from your trip here Deshanna.”

“Yes, let us rest up and we shall meet over dinner?” Josephine escorts them to their rooms and Cullen stays behind to talk to her.

“It’ll be fine, Inquisitor.”

“Oh, you’re back to calling me that again?”

He blushes and rubs the back of his head, “Well- I- We’re in the presence of others.” She laughs.

“What?” he asks.

“I’m the confident one and you’re the nervous one. We reversed the other night.”

He leans in closer and lowers his voice, “We shouldn’t be talking about that in the open.” She laughs again and waves him off when he sees Josephine come back. There were many preparations left for tonight’s dinner.

* * *

The dinner was as awkward as could be. She could hardly make eye contact with any of the members of her clan. She doesn’t even remember if she touched her food. Deshanna was the first to speak after they finished eating.

“You must know why we are here Ellana.” Ellana nods in response. “We are here to take you back.” Leliana and Cassandra begin protesting it right away, telling Deshanna the importance of her role. Her heart is pumping, she has to tell Deshanna how she feels.

Before she could summon enough courage to do so, Admah interjects, “She and I were supposed to wed and lead the clan.” She sees Josephine’s mouth drop open, Cassandra shifts uncomfortably in her seat and she can’t make out Cullen’s expression.

Josephine regains composure and asks, “Aren’t you guys brother and sister?”

“Not by blood.” Admah replies and adds, “This is Ellana’s duty to her _clan._ ”

The silence was uncomfortable and she knew everyone was expecting her to say something. She didn’t expect Admah to ever bring that up. Honestly, she knew Deshanna wanted this but Admah and her stopped getting along when she was named First.

Josephine again decides to speak up, “Then…?”

“Then, that is why we are here. If you could make preparations quickly, we would greatly appreciate it.” Deshanna bows her head slightly.

“Inquisitor, do you have anything to add?” Josephine said sounding desperate.

She shakes her head and mumbles an excuse to leave. She walks briskly outside into the cool air and throws up. She didn’t eat anything so only the acid of her stomach came up. She hears Cullen’s footsteps behind her and feels him rubbing her back. He doesn’t say anything but she welcomes his silence. She doesn’t know how to respond to him or this situation. They sit on the steps for a while, not saying anything. _What should I do? Run away? That doesn’t solve anything. Right. Face it head on, don’t run away. Cullen..._ She turns to look at Cullen briefly who was looking out onto the courtyard. _Cullen wouldn’t run away._ She abruptly turns around and marches in. Everyone goes silent as she marches back to the head of the table. She hears Cullen following her at a distance.

“I’m not leaving,” she says firmly never breaking eye contact with Deshanna. “Do what you must, I relinquish my position as the First. My place is here.” Deshanna smiles sadly at her.

“This is what I wanted to hear.”

“What?” Admah asks getting out of his seat. He always had a temper. “You told me we were here to get her back.”

“I wanted to hear from her face to face. We will talk later Admah.” She lets out a sigh of relief, relaxes her shoulders and sinks back down in her chair. Admah does the same but with crossed arms. “Can I speak to Ellana alone?”

“Yes, of course, come with me.” They walk up to her quiet room. Deshanna muses how nice they treat her. Ellana waits for Deshanna to say what she needs to say.

“I always knew.” Ellana tilts her head in confusion. “I always knew you never truly felt like you belonged with the clan.”

“Oh.”

“I am happy. You seem happy here and everyone adores and respects you.”

“Yeah, I’ve been blessed.”

“Perhaps, but the burden you carry is not a blessing.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“It’s just a bit ironic.”

“What is?”

Deshanna hums in response and Ellana is confused again. “Just know that you are always welcomed back.”

“As is the entire clan.” She paused. “Admah seems upset about this. I thought he hated me.”

“How could he hate you? You should talk to him before we go.”

“Are you leaving tonight, already? You were barely here…I don’t particularly want to talk to him.”

“We could stay another day if that is your request.”

Ellana nods vigorously. “I’ve missed you all.”

Deshanna walks over and holds Ellana to her chest. “And I’ve missed you, my child. But promise me you’ll talk to him.” A frantic knock on the door disrupts them.

“Ellana!” it was Leliana, “Cullen and Admah are fighting.” _What?_ She rushes down the stairs back into the throne room. She comes down to furniture thrown around the room, everyone from the dinner had their backs against the wall while Admah and Cullen stood across the room from one another. Cullen had his sword drawn and Admah his staff. Lightning was crackling out of the staff. Both looked like they had gotten a few hits on one another. Admah throws another bolt out and Ellana throws her Spirit barrier on Cullen. Cullen sees that Admah is taken aback and uses it to lunge forward. Luckily, Deshanna reacts and puts her own Spirit barrier on Admah. Cullen’s sword bounces off of Admah. Ellana fade steps between them and yells for them to stop. Admah goes running out to the courtyard and Deshanna runs after him.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Cullen looks away as Ellana glares at him.

“I didn’t like the way he was talking about you. Besides, he shot first.”

Ellana sighed, “That doesn’t give you a reason to retaliate.”

“You think I don’t know this? I was simply defending myself.” She started looking at him for any injuries. “I’m fine Inquisitor, you should go check in with Admah.”

“Are you sure, I can heal you.” Cullen shakes his head and Ellana nods in response.

She went outside to look for Admah. It wasn’t hard to find him, even after all this time, she could detect his magic. They definitely felt her come up as Deshanna stops and walks towards Ellana. She walks by without saying anything so Ellana knew she didn’t have anything to add. Admah was the first to speak, “What do you even see in that shemlen?”

Her eyes narrowed, “How do you even know about us and why does it matter to you?”

“Its written all over his face when he gives you that puppy dog look and...because...I want you back!”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Ellana crosses her arms and rolled her eyes.

He gave her a frustrated sigh, “Why can’t you believe me?”

“We spent the past five years or so not talking to each other. As I recall, you wanted the First position more than our friendship but now that doesn’t satisfy you because you are still a da’len. You see what you don’t have and your desires shift.” Admah opens his mouth in response but Ellana holds up her hand, “Don’t say you just expected everything to work out in the end. You took me for granted. I’m done arguing with you Admah. I’ve been done years ago. If you won’t support me anymore, I won’t lose sleep over it at night but if you care at all about me...Well, Cullen is special to me and I hope you would treat him as such.” She gives Admah a chance to respond but when he doesn’t, she turns and returns back inside.

Deshanna stood on the steps waiting for her. “You should’ve set him straight a long time ago.”

Ellana shrugged. “It wasn’t my place.”

Deshanna shakes her head and turns back inside. “I don’t like it either.” Ellana tilts her head in response. “That you are dating him, but you’re twenty-five now, you don’t need me to mother you. Most importantly, I trust your judgment.”

“Thanks, Deshanna.”


	15. Get Back Here

He went running behind Ellana to see her bent over throwing up. _Must be hard when she has to choose between the Inquisition and her family._ It was hard for him to take in the news that she had to marry someone else. _I would be lying if I said I haven’t ever thought that far but…_ They sat down on the steps together and he continued to comfort her in the only way he knew how. All of a sudden she gets up with a determined look on her face. _That’s my girl._ She marches back in and tells everyone she is staying with the Inquisition. Surprisingly, Deshanna already knew her answer and seemingly wanted her to just say so. Admah seemed less than pleased as he glared at Cullen. Cullen smirks at him. That must have pissed him off because he got up with his staff and starts walking towards Cullen. Cullen places his hand on his hilt at the ready.

“I’ve seen the way you look at Ellana. Filthy shemlen.” Cullen scoffs in response. “It can't be… She's returned your feelings? Of all the _things_ , she chose a human?” He grits his teeth and holds his tongue. He sees everyone at the table watching now. “You know, I was her first time. Have you even gotten that far yet?” Admah laughs and fires a bolt of lightning. Cullen reacts fast enough to dodge out of the way. He lunges for Admah and nicks his torso. He returns the favor by sending Cullen flying into some chairs. He quickly gets up before Admah fires another bolt and sweeps Admah off his feet. Admah fade steps away and sends another bolt to Cullen. _Shit._ He doesn't get hit as he feels a familiar surge of magic around him. _Now is my chance._ He goes in to disarm Admah but his sword bounces off another barrier. Ellana appears in between them and calls for a ceasefire. _Shit, I'm going to get in trouble for this._

Of course, Ellana yells at him but she makes sure he isn't hurt anywhere before checking in with Admah. Everyone comes back up to him after Ellana leaves and asks if he's ok.

“If he wasn't Ellana’s brother, I would have called the guards to throw him out,” Cassandra says full of anger.

“Curly, if you didn't, I was going to shoot him in the arse with Bianca,” Varric tells him. “We'll explain everything to her once she gets back.”

“It's fine.” Dorian was inspecting him for injuries. “Just- I'm fine. I just need some air.” He walks off back towards his office, feeling a headache coming on. _Must have hit my head at some point._

* * *

He hears a knock on his office door early next morning. It was the person he least expected: Admah.

“I'm not looking for any trouble,” Admah immediately blurts out. Cullen gestures him in. Before he could even get a word in Admah apologizes. _What did Ellana say to him?_

“Listen, I am jealous but it's my fault. I pushed her away years ago. And she's right. I expected we would make up one day and be like we were so it surprised me. She's… never looked at anyone like that before,” he smiles sadly. “I could never really break down her walls. Well, I wish you both happiness.” He held out his hand and Cullen reluctantly shook it. Just as Admah was fully out the door he lowers his eyes and voice, “And if you ever hurt her. I won't miss the opportunity to skin you and take her back.” With that, he shut the door behind him.

 _I didn't even get a word in. But...I don't feel like I've broken down her walls fully._ He sighed to himself rubbing his temples, he could feel that today's symptoms would be quite bad.

* * *

They stood at the gates the same way as when they greeted Clan Lavellen but this time, to say farewell. Admah and Ellana seemed less at each other throats and he even hugs her goodbye, much to Cullen’s disapproval of course. Unfortunately, she was heading out to search for the missing Grey Wardens shortly this afternoon. The vast amount of backlogged tasks due to the ball and Ellana’s clan visitation kept them too busy for any intimate time together although he was a little glad due to his mounting symptoms.

* * *

A few days of immense pain had Cullen on his last legs. He glared at his door when he hears another knock. He reluctantly gets up feeling the pain all over his body. He opens the door to a familiar face.

“Samson, what's going on?”

“You sound horrible,” he says walking in and closing the door behind him. “The light outside doesn't help, right?”

“Yeah.” Cullen slowly walked back to his chair and slumped down. “So what is it?”

Samson took a second to think before speaking. _Never a good sign that the topic will be pleasant._ “Have you told her yet?”

“This again? No, I haven't.” Cullen cupped his hands together, trying to keep his mind off the topic and pain.

“It's eating away at you.”

Cullen could feel himself getting angry, “What do you know?”

“Enough as your friend. The sooner you talk to her, the sooner the weight of it lifts. It might even help your symptoms,” he pauses and waits for Cullen to respond but Cullen doesn't even raise his head to acknowledge what he heard. “You really do look terrible. Maybe you need some time off?”

Cullen raised his hand to cover his face and rubbed it. “I will be honest. I'm thinking of relinquishing my position to Cassandra.”

“It might not be a terrible idea. You shouldn't give your life away.” Samson got up from his seat causing it to squeak along the floor. Cullen cringed at the noise and Samson looked solemnly at Cullen. “Get better and think about it.” He left as quietly as he could but Samson’s words kept echoing in his mind.

* * *

 

He couldn’t take it anymore. He rolled out of bed and mustered enough strength to call for one of his guards to look for Cassandra. He requested to talk to her this afternoon. Cassandra agreed and told him to meet her at her room at the blacksmith’s that afternoon. When it came time, he told his guards he’ll be at the blacksmith’s meeting with Cassandra. When he walked in, the place was empty and Cassandra was standing by the forge. The sound of the crackling fire that once comforted him, now just amplified his pain.

“I know what this is about Cullen, the answer is no.”

He walks towards her, stops, turns around, and then turns back, “I haven’t been able to do any work the past few days.”

“You asked for my opinion, and I’ve given it. Why would you expect it to change?”

He shakes his head and gives a frustrated shrug. “I expect you to keep your word. It’s relentless,” he says raising his voice and gritting through the pain. “I can’t-”

Cassandra equally raises her voice and interrupts him, “You give yourself too little credit.”

Seriously on his last nerve, he pushes on his eyebrows. It eases the pain for a brief moment for him to form his next sentence. “If I’m unable to fulfill what vows I kept, then nothing good has come of this. Would you rather save face than admit-” He gets interrupted by the sound of the door opening. He turns to take out his frustration at the unwitting passerby that dared to disturb their private conversation but he finds Ellana standing in the doorway, head slightly tilted which is her tell that she is confused. His heart drops at the sight of her. She must’ve come back early or maybe he missed the reports. He’s not ready to confront her yet so he decides to retreat for now. “Forgive me,” was all he could manage.

Inside his office, he frantically digs through his table’s drawers. He finds the wooden box with the familiar templar insignia on it. He opens it up to hear the familiar hum of lyrium. With shaky hands, he pulls out a vial but then quickly sets it down. He closes his eyes and fights internally to take it. _Just destroy it_ . Frustrated, he takes the whole box and throws it across the room. It narrowly misses Ellana. _I didn’t even hear her._ “Maker’s breath! I didn’t hear you enter. I-” He could feel the panic rising in his stomach. _I didn’t want her to see me like this._ He looks down, unable to face her. Once again, all he could say to her was, “Forgive me.”

Her voice was as soft as ever, “Cullen, if you need to talk-”

He stops her, “You don’t have to-” Before he could finish his sentence, he loses his balance and catches himself on the table. Ellana rushes over to him but he holds a hand up to stop her. He still can’t look her in the eye let alone let her touch him. “I never meant for this to interfere.” _I’m just going to do it. Now would be a great time to tell her. She’s already seen me like this..._

“Did you know what happened to me? At Ferelden’s Circle?” He doesn’t wait for her to respond, he turns around and looks out the window. His whole body is shaking from the pain and frustration. “It was taken over by abominations. The templars-- _my friends_ \-- were slaughtered. I was tortured. They tried to break my mind, and I--how can you be the same person after that? Still, I wanted to serve. They sent me to Kirkwall. I trusted my knight-commander, and for what? Her fear of mages ended in madness. Kirkwall’s Circle fell. Innocent people died in the streets. Can’t you see why I want nothing to do with that life?” He finally stops and takes a breath.

She immediately takes her chance to respond, “Of course I can. I-”

He raises his voice even further to cut her off, “Don’t!” He still doesn’t turn around to look at her. “You should be questioning what I’ve done.” He sighs and grits through his teeth, “I thought this would be better--that I would regain some control over my life. But these thoughts won’t leave me…” He presses his fingers once again on his temples to relieve the pain before continuing. This time she doesn’t try to interject. “How many lives depend on our success? I swore myself to this cause...I will _not_ give less to the Inquisition that I did the Chantry. I should be taking it!” He punches the wall in frustration and the ringing in his head stops for a moment to be redirected into his hand. “I should be taking it,” he says barely above a whisper.

Her voice echoes his, small and unsteady, “Is this what _you_ want?”

“No,” he lowers his hand back down to his side. “But...these memories have always haunted me--if they become worse, if I cannot endure this…”

“You can,” she says simply. Although she keeps her voice at the same level, it seemed more confident to him now.

He sighs again feeling a little better. “All right,” he says still unable to face her. He stands there pretending to stare out the window, wanting her to just leave without saying anything. He’s embarrassed but mostly ashamed to see how she reacted to his confession. It seemed she got the message as he hears her quietly leave and shut the door behind him. The pain and ringing in his head seemed to have stopped though. _Maybe Samson was right._ Holding onto his past and keeping it from her somehow made the pain manifest or maybe he was just numb about his actions. Either way, his thoughts simply stopped. The only thing he could think of was to lay down, so he moved his body up the stairs and into bed.

 


	16. Silly Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special part where it's from Dorian's perspective.

They managed to find Stroud quicker than they anticipated thanks to Hawke. Stroud reports that every Grey Warden is currently experiencing the Calling causing the Grey Wardens have become desperate. To end all future Blights without the Grey Wardens, they have decided to use blood magic. No doubt, all puppeteered by Corypheus. Stout’s fervent disapproval of the plan led to his banishment. Although he went into hiding, he believes they are making preparations in the Western Approach. He believes he should head there first to investigate before sending Ellana there. Hawke volunteers to go with him to keep each other safe. Ellana agreed to their plans and headed back to Skyhold.

Something that bothered her was Cullen’s silence. He usually sent her a raven or two while she was out. Even if there was nothing to report back, it was their discreet way of letting each other know that they kept one another in mind.  _ Was it the events with Admah? He did not seem hurt by it but maybe I should have checked in with him after they left. I was so busy making preparations that I didn’t get the chance to. _

They arrived back early afternoon and she rushed off to see Cullen. Not caring how gross she felt she jogged up the stairs to his office. Surprisingly, he wasn’t there but one of his guards were.

“Inquisitor!” she saluted, “If you are looking for the Commander, he went to speak with Cassandra in her room.”  _ Huh? _ She thanked the soldier and went to the blacksmith’s. Why Cassandra likes to sleep her was a mystery to her. She opens the door to see Cullen angrily talking to Cassandra.  _ Something about saving face? _ When he sees her, he looks incredibly sad and walks away. 

“Forgive me,” he says under his breath to her. 

As he walks out the door, Cassandra yells to him, “And people say  _ I’m _ stubborn.” She sighs and looks to Ellana, “This is ridiculous. Cullen told you that he’s no longer taking lyrium?” Ellana nods in response.  _ This is what it’s about? _ “Not that he’s willing to listen,” Cassandra continues, “but he’s asked me to find a replacement.” Ellana is quite taken aback. She doesn’t want to lose him but if it is that horrible, she can’t really say anything either. Seeing Ellana look down, Cassandra must have sensed how she felt. “I refused. It’s not necessary. Besides, it would destroy him. He’s come so far.” 

Ellana folds her arms and closes her eyes for a second. “So…” she turns and looks up at Cassandra, “You believe we should encourage him to stay?” She looks down again and furrows her eyebrows, “Why didn’t he come to me anyway?”

“We had an agreement long before you joined and he...wouldn’t want to risk your disappointment. However, if there’s anyone who can encourage him, it would be you.” She feels her stomach in knots.  _ When it comes to Cullen...I never want to do anything to hurt him. I doubt any decision I make involving him. _ “Talk to him,” Cassandra further encourages. Ellana stares into the fire of the forge for a brief time before turning to follow Cullen to his office.

He left his door open. As she arrived at the door something goes flying past her face, smashing into the door. It was lyrium. He notices her and apologizes again. 

“Cullen, if you need to talk-”

He cuts her off and tries to walk towards her only to stagger. She rushes over to him only to see him put his hand up. He looked upset. She empathetically looked at him, understanding he wants to do this on his own but he has to realize that she’s only here to support him. 

“I never meant for this to interfere.”  _ I know _ . She tries to tell him so but before she can even open her mouth he asks her, “Did you know what happened to me? At Ferelden’s Circle?” He turns around visibly shaken up. His voice is shaky and with each sentence, he seems to raise his voice. She’s scared. He tells her his past. She didn’t know.  _ How can I when you kept it in? _ She feels like her heart is going to burst out of her chest. She tries to console him but he stops her and continues to yell. He even punches the wall, causing her to jump. 

When he finally gives her a chance again, she musters up the strength to ask him, “Is this what  _ you  _ want?”

He tells her no but he still doesn’t look at her. He doesn’t believe he can do it.

“You can.”

She can see him feel somewhat relieved. He tells her “All right,” but makes no moves to continue the conversation. She gets the message loud and clear. She quietly leaves and closes the door behind her. She starts off walking briskly before breaking out into a sprint. She reaches up to her face as feels something on it. _Warm...am I bleeding? Did I hurt myself without realizing?_ She looks down and it’s clear. _Oh...I’m crying._ _How strange._ As she goes sprinting through the library, she collides with Dorian.

* * *

“What the-” Dorian gets up aching from the crash.  _ I’m about to give an earful to whoever- _ He looks up to see Ellana. Tears were running down her face. He panics, “Are you hurt anywhere? I’m not good with healing spells but let me try-” She shakes her head vigorously.  _ Given the direction, she must have come from Cullen’s office. _ “Is it Cullen? Do you want me to beat him up?” he playfully says hoping to elicit a smile.

“No,” she says shaking her head again. “It’s not him, I did something.” 

He scoffs in response, helping her up. “Come,” he leads her into his favorite reading nook. “That’s where you’re wrong Ellana, us perfect beings are incapable of ever doing anything wrong.” Again, no smile.  _ Time for another approach. _ “Do you want to talk about it?” She shakes her head and then rests it into his chest.  _ Oh dear, something really bad must have happened. _ She cries and cries into his chest. The longer and harder she does, the more his worry for her mounts.

After about an hour, she finally slows her crying. When she is just sniffling, he suggests going for some drinks but she declines. She just wants to go back to her room to rest. He finds a hood lying around and puts it over her to provide her with some security.  _ Not a good idea for their shining Inquisitor to walk around snot-nosed. _ He quickly takes her through the throne room away from peering eyes. They get stopped at the door to her room but she quickly holds out her anchor to verify her identity. They let them through and he tucks her into bed. He sits by her bed as she sniffles.

“Thanks, Dorian.”

“It’s nothing. Are you sure you don’t need anything...or anyone for that matter?” he says winking his eye. She shakes her head.  _ She’s usually as talkative as I am. _ “Well, nothing a good sleep won’t solve..or a drink. That’s what I usually do.” He makes sure she’s all tucked in and she shifts to find a comfortable spot. “We’ll talk tomorrow. Good night Ellana.”


	17. I Have You Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't noticed, this begins the major deviation from the main story. It'll be a good chunk of chapters before we get back to the main story but I really hope you all enjoy this part!

_ The forest is especially real this time.  _ It doesn’t take long for her to realize.  _ This isn’t a dream. This is the fade.  _ She panics and tries to get out but she can’t.

“Ah, our visitor has finally arrived.” The voice was deep and she knew immediately it was a demon. She runs around aimlessly in the forest.  _ So familiar but when was I here? _

“You thought that pain would make you stronger? What fool filled your mind with such drivel? The only one who grows stronger from your fears is  _ me. _ ” Her only instinct was to run.  _ Perhaps I can employ the same strategy as Envy? _ “Perhaps  _ I  _ should be afraid, facing the most powerful member of the Inquisition.” He laughs maniacally. Terror demons start appearing all around her. She starts shooting ice bolts towards them and the demon laughs again. No matter how many she takes out, another replaces it. The stream of demons kept coming, she could feel her mana deplete. “Why fight the inevitable?” She takes a knee and it chuckles, “Do you remember this place? I kindly lifted that fear off your shoulders but you insisted on having it back.” She looks down at herself and sees herself as a child again. She feels both the stinging cold from the icicle she was gripping with both her hands and the sticky warmth of blood flowing down the icicle. She looks up in horror to see who she killed. She thought it was Cullen but it wasn’t. She recognizes the man and quickly drops the icicle and quickly backs away. Like last time, she does nothing but curls up.

She then hears a familiar voice, “Finally given up?” She looks up to see Samson standing over her. He leans over, “How pitiful. I didn’t think you’d be penetrable but the Nightmare told Corypheus otherwise. It took a lot longer than we expected.” He stands up straight and smiles, “Corypheus is a genius though. Why kill you and make you a martyr? Destroy the hope.” His smile widened, “Turn you tranquil.” Her eyes widen and he laughs in response. Samson closes in. “It’s a pity though, Cullen would be so hurt after this. I tried to get him away from you but…” Samson draws his sword and inches closer.  _ Cullen...I have to get away, now! _ Her anchor glows and opens up a rift behind her. She scrambles into it and it closes behind her. 

_ Nothingness. _


	18. What?

Cullen woke up feeling much better. He looked out the hole in his ceiling. _It has to be midday by now. Since no one woke me up, Cassandra must have called the daily meeting off for me._ He took a chilly bath and changed his clothes. Feeling even better now, he decides to read a few reports and finally get some work done. _I’m quite famished. Maybe I’ll be able to hold something down for the first time in the past few days._ _Hm, I should go down to the hall and eat dinner with everyone._

He sighed thinking about yesterday, still unsure how Ellana will be but he hoped she’d understand. He wasn’t thinking straight through all the pain and frustration. More importantly, he shouldn’t have pushed her away. Her words of support helped him more than anything.

He got through quite a stack of reports by the time it was dinnertime. He walked into the hall to see many had gotten started. He sat down next to Ellana’s favorite seat but she wasn’t there yet. Varric sat next to him and Dorian to the left of Ellana’s seat.

“Hey Curly, didn’t expect to see you here.” Varric smiles at him and takes a sip out of his drink. “Did you get Snowflake sick or something? I haven’t seen her all day.”  _ She’s sick? _

Dorian who scoffed and crosses his arms. “She came to me inconsolable yesterday. I figured she’s still moping around in bed.”  _ Moping? What happened...did I- _ He sees Leliana get up with her brows furrowed. She was whispering something to Charter, one of her spies, in the corner. Before he could get up and ask Leliana what was happening, Dorian continues, “She told me it wasn’t because of  _ you _ but I’m not convinced.”

Cullen rubbed the back of his head, “I-”

“So it was you!” Dorian huffed. “I should have just marched to your office and-” Leliana walked over with a serious look on her face.

“Everyone needs to come to the War Room, now. I’ll send for the others that aren’t here.”

He gets out of his seat and grabs her arm, “What’s going on Leliana?” 

She shakes her head, “Not here.”

They wait in the War Room for eternity while those that weren’t present for dinner arrive. Everyone is on edge because  _ everyone _ is gathered. Even Morrigan and Dagna. Everyone is hypothesizing what happened but it's pretty clear since Ellana wasn’t here.  _ Please… _ He does the only thing he knows to do: pray. 

Leliana walks in with Cole and everyone stops what they are doing. “The Inquisitor is gone.” Everyone starts clamoring but she holds her hand up for their attention. “I have my spies searching for evidence but the guards that were on duty said she just...walked out of her room.”

“She often goes on walks around the forest. Could she just be there?” Solas asks.

“No,” Leliana shakes her head. “She never leaves without telling anyone and I’m sure none of you have seen her all day.”

“I saw her yesterday, as I was saying. She was inconsol-”

“It’s my fault,” Cullen interrupts. He puts his head in his hand. His body and mind are in shock.  _ What have I done? _

Cole starts talking and Cullen’s head shoots up. Cullen sees him stares straight at him, “Heart-twisted. Why can't I reach him? She is constantly running. Being chased. Cullen help me! The darkness creeps in consuming her.” The room went silent. “It's not your fault, it's mine she says,” he says solemnly.  

“That’s what she told me yesterday,” Dorian whispers, tears forming in his eyes.

Cullen runs over to Cole and tries to grab both of his arms but goes right through him. Cole reaches out and places his hand on Cullen’s arm. He can't feel him. “The demons chase her. She hears their screams. She can’t save anyone she loves. The only thing that comes out of her hands is death...She chants to herself, ‘Cullen would never hurt me. I would never hurt him. Envy is wrong.’”

“Envy?”

“It began the unraveling. I asked her to let me help but she wouldn't. She couldn't.”

“Why didn't you tell anyone?” Cullen asked angrily. 

“She said no.” Cole vanishes. 

Morrigan seemed to ignore what Cole was saying and asked Leliana to see her room. Solas volunteers to see if he could find anything. Cassandra also slips away somewhere. Leliana starts coordinating and finding the three pieces to open the phylactery. Varric, Sera, and Solas hand their keys over and Dagna left to get to work on forging the pieces together. Cullen starts pacing around trying to figure out what Cole meant. He wanted to rip his own skin off from hurting Ellana.

Cassandra was the first to return. “You might want to read this.” She hands him a note. He immediately recognized her handwriting.

“What is this?” He says gritting his teeth.

“I meant to give it to you yesterday but...she came back instead.” He reluctantly opens it.  _ Not worthy opening this letter. I’m the reason why she left. I'm the reason she has nightmares. _

_ Cullen, _

_ I gave this letter to Cassandra shortly after I found out about your addiction and how you sometimes struggle with the symptoms. I want to support you every day but I know that the current circumstances might not allow for that so I wrote you this. I do not know the circumstances that led you to this letter, but I just want you to know how much I respect you for doing this and you would never be able to do anything to make me lose that respect. Even if you feel like you’ve failed yourself, don’t. I know you too well, that you’ll feel like you’re only giving your second best, that you place duty above all else. However, I want you to want to do it not for others, or even me, but for yourself. So do what you think is best for you and I will always support your decision. As would everyone else. So draw from all of us to help provide you with enough strength. _

_ Forever by your side, _

_ Ellana _

He started crying just a few sentences in.  _ I don’t deserve her. She didn’t deserve to be treated like that _ . Cassandra was patting his back trying to console him. It wasn’t long after he finished reading the letter again that Morrigan and Solas return.

“There was...foul magic in her room?” Leliana asked.

Cassandra gets up, “How? She’s a mage, how could she not detect it?”

Solas holds something in a cloth in his hand. “Blood magic, nearly undetectable. Even I had a hard time finding it, Morrigan found it first.”

“What does it do? What did it do to her?” Cullen gets up, carefully folding the letter and slipping it into his pocket.  _ I can’t crumble now, please be alive. _

Morrigan responds this time, “I suspected as much upon hearing that...spirit. We found it under her bed. Based on its location it was trying to affect her dreams. Being a mage, she would have a strong connection to the fade during her dreams. It's possible the goal was a slow psychological infiltration. They plague her with nightmares until she can get possessed.” Cullen’s heart sinks. _ She’s become an abomination?  _ Morrigan seemed to read his mind, “She may yet be an abomination. We do not know why they used such a tool.”

Dagna brings the phylactery. Cassandra jumps on it.  _ I no longer have the ability to use it.  _ He thinks for a second to take lyrium again so he could be powerful enough to help her but he feels the letter in his pocket.  _ She wouldn’t want me to. _ He struggled with this but she even outlined it in his letter.  _ Rely on others too _ . 

Everyone breathes a sigh of relief when the phylactery glows, albeit faintly. “She’s far away.” Cassandra says sadly.

“But at least she’s alive,” Solas says. “It would appear this distasteful object has a use after all.” Together they decide who should go. They couldn’t cause mass panic in the ranks so it had to be covert. Cassandra, Morrigan, and Solas were no-brainers. Cullen refused no for an answer so it was decided the four of them would go. 

Dorian stops him as he gets up to leave the War Room. “I know this doesn’t need saying, but bring her back would you? She’s...my closest friend. I don’t know what happened yesterday but she said it wasn’t your fault so don’t beat yourself up. It’s whoever put that damned object in her room.” 

Cullen nods, “Thank you, Dorian. I’ll bring her back safely, for all of us.”


	19. There's Someone Here!

The phylactery led them to travel north towards Val Royeaux. They rode late until the night until their horses couldn’t take it anymore. Everyone was frustrated but if they killed their horses from exhaustion, they could lose her. Cole appears when they make camp, unsurprising to everyone.

“Safe and solid, protecting and proud. You feel like quiet, stronger when she holds you.” Cullen didn’t need clarification, he knew Cole was talking about him. “Everyone feels indebted to her in some way, that’s why it all hurts us.”

_That’s right. In some capacity, Ellana had improved everyone’s life. Iron Bull was now Tal-Vashoth for rightfully listening to Ellana by protecting his valued men. Dorian and his father were finally repairing their relationship after all these years. She helped Josephine with the unfortunate assassination contract on her family business. I could go on and on and yet, when she needed us the most, she didn’t turn to any of us._

He reread her letter at by the fire that night and Cassandra sits down next to him. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m not sure how I’m keeping it together.”

She nods slowly, “The alternative is worse. Now is not the time. We have to be strong, for her, for everyone.”

“Yeah.” He truly agreed with her.

* * *

As they got closer, Morrigan guessed where they were headed: the Shrine of Dumat. No doubt, a site Corypheus chose. As they got close, Cullen heard the hum: red lyrium. The red templars were somehow involved in this. As he guessed, the temple was full of red templars. They were no match for the five of them but Cullen wanted to go ahead into the inner sanctum. Cassandra, Morrigan, Cole, and Solas held them off while he slipped pass enemy lines into the inner sanctum. He saw Ellana laying on the floor. They knew she was still alive by the phylactery but didn’t know what shape she would be in. He ran over to her and held her in his lap. Her eyes were open and she was breathing but she didn't react to seeing Cullen.

“Ellana, snap out of it, please.” He gently shakes her.

“She won’t.” He looked up, that was-- _but why?_

Samson stepped out into the middle of the room. He was wearing armor made of red lyrium. “I'm sorry it had to be this way Cullen.”

“What did you do to her?” he roars at Samson. He lets her go and draws his sword. Samson reciprocates.

“Can't you tell? We made her tranquil.” Cullen lunges ferociously at Samson, aiming to kill not disarm. Samson was taken aback so Cullen’s blow lands but his sword couldn't penetrate the red lyrium armor. Samson counters but Cullen dodges. Cullen lands blow after blow on Samson, but at best, he was only bruising Samson. The red lyrium didn’t even chip.

Cullen yells at him, “Take off your armor and fight me!” Samson stands there out of breath but doesn’t respond. Cullen roars lunging again at Samson, “Coward!”

Cullen exhausts himself and uses his sword to hold himself up. Samson seemed worse than Cullen, not to his surprise. Cullen was always the better swordsman.

“I told you…” Samson says between breaths, “To end your relationship with her. I didn’t want you to get hurt.” Cullen felt a surge of anger and he goes to raise his sword again, but before he could, he feels heat fly by him and he sees a fireball impact Samson, knocking him into the wall. Samson coughs up blood and calls for any remaining reinforcements. They watch as he slips away as they turn to face the guards that were giving up their lives for Samson’s escape.

When they finally insured it was safe the four of them surround Ellana. Morrigan and Solas examine her while Cullen tells them what Samson said.

“Tranquil? She does not bear the mark...either way. There may be a way to reverse it,” Cassandra says.

“What?” Cullen looks up from Ellana, shocked at Cassandra’s statement.

“It was a secret...that the Inquisitor and I discovered when we hunted the Lord Seeker. We haven't investigated enough to-”

Morrigan interrupts, “She's not tranquil.”

“No...but something is wrong. Something is blocking her. Something must have gone wrong during the rite.” Solas adds.

“She's not here,” Cole says with panic in his voice. He vanishes again.

“It’s not safe here. Let's go back to Skyhold and put all our best mages to cure her.”

They send a raven back to let everyone know they were headed back, but they agreed it wasn’t safe to update them on her status. The first order of business was getting her on the back of a horse. She was listless and made no attempts to help them. They were like children playing with a doll, making it move how they pleased. Cullen’s heart was broken. _Yes, she's alive but...would you even consider this living?_ He holds onto her tightly as she rode on his horse. He whispers in her ear to come back to him but she continues to stare straight ahead.

* * *

 

On their trip back, they encounter a closed rift. Solas urges them to let him try to use her anchor. Cullen and Cassandra protest but Morrigan thinks it's important to know demons wouldn't be flooding in without recourse. As Solas hypothesized, the rift could be opened and properly closed, just as before by simply bringing her hand close to the rift.

They get a raven back from Leliana that evening. Hawke and Stout had reported back and required them to attack Adamant Fortress immediately. The Grey Wardens were almost done with their final preparations. They have been sacrificing their warriors to a Venatori for an unknown blood magic ritual. Cassandra and Morrigan agreed that in a way, this worked better for them as no one would know of the Inquisitor’s status until the fight begins. They would be able to stop the ritual before their army loses morale.

Morrigan and Solas spent the evening seeing if they could find any way to restore her. Solas went to visit the spirits in the fade and ask them if they knew what happened. Morrigan tries various incantations much to Cullen and Cassandra’s alarm but she assures them they wouldn’t make her worse. Nothing changes and Solas reports that his friends didn’t hear or see anything.

Cole also appears, more pale and panicked than before. “Walking, calling for her. She's not there. I went inside and she wasn't there!” He vanishes again leaving everyone dejected.

No one protests to Ellana sleeping in Cullen’s tent. He cuddles up to her to keep her warm. _She smells like Ellana, she feels like her, but she’s not here._ He thumbs her cheek and brushes his lips against her other cheek. The mental and physical exhaustion of the day causes him to fall asleep surprisingly quickly. He dreams of her laying next to him and smiling.


	20. What's Your Name?

As they got closer to the Western Approach, Ellana has a change in behavior. Solas noticed it first. “Her eyes, they’re moving.” 

Cullen immediately hops off his horse to get a good look at her. It was subtle but her eyes were moving. The micro-movements of her eyes that was indicative that she was focused on something in the distance. When he turned the horse, she actually moves her head. 

“She’s looking towards Adamant,” Solas says in awe.

“Ellana?” Cullen turns to Morrigan and Solas, “Could she somehow be there but just unable to speak to us?”

“It’s possible,” Morrigan answers, “However, when we asked her to blink in response yesterday, she didn’t.”

Cullen turns back to Ellana, “Ellana if you can hear me, blink twice.” She continues her eye movements but does not blink.  _ I was hoping that with time...the effects…  _ “Cole!” Cullen calls for him aimlessly. 

He appears, “Like a moth to a flame. Adamant. It's there.”

“What's there?”

“I don't know.” He sits onto the end of Solas’s horse and watches her.

“Whatever it is, let's make haste,” Solas suggests.

As they get closer, Ellana’s behavior gets more dramatic. It was clear something at Adamant was causing her to react. Cullen was worried that the demon army was somehow drawing her. Morrigan did say it was possible she was possessed though she showed no signs so far.

When they got there and helped her off, she actually starts walking towards the fortress. Cullen grabs her and pulls her away. They give Leliana an update and Leliana agrees they still have to stop the Grey Wardens and find a cure later. They agree to keep Cole, Solas, Morrigan, Cullen, and Cassandra together with Ellana for now, especially when she’s reacting so erratically. 

* * *

Cullen coordinates the men to lay siege to Adamant. He left Ellana in the safety of Solas and Morrigan’s hands. It takes them nearly an hour of before they get the fortress gates open. The initial reports stated that the Grey Wardens were attempting to open a rift to bring more demons in. This meant that they had to bring Ellana in the thick of it. When the Inquisition forces had made a dent in Adamant’s defenses, they began their slow way through. They encounter many members of the Inner Circle fighting inside. They assist in getting her through each section of the fortress. Her behavior certainly doesn't help as someone has to hold her back from sprinting off. Stout and Hawke catch up to them as they approached the inner courtyard. 

When they enter the Tevinter mage yells for the Grey Wardens to capture them so they can complete the ritual. Stout approaches and heeds Clarel to stop. Erimond reasons with Clarel saying its to stop the Blight. It may use blood magic but it’s for the greater good. Clarel agrees with Erimond. Stout reveals to Clarel that the Tevinter has bound the Grey Warden mages to Corypheus. Suddenly Clarel seemed to understand what was going on but she still continues the ritual. The rift starts to open. Hawke and Stout manage to convince the remaining Grey Wardens to turn on Clarel and Erimond. Cullen sees doubt in Clarel’s eyes as she quietly says something to Erimond. His facial expression changes as he turns around and hits his staff against the ground.

He looks and yells towards the sky, “My master thought you might come here, Inquisitor! He sent me this to welcome you!” They hear an archdemon scream in the sky and chaos breaks out in the courtyard. Clarel tries to fight Erimond and the archdemon chases the party. They try to follow after Clarel and Erimond while keeping the archdemon at bay. 

With Ellana planting her feet and refusing to move away from the rift, Cullen had to pick her up, throw her over his shoulder, and chase after them. They reach near the top of the fortress at the end of a broken bridge where Clarel has nearly beaten Erimond. Before they can get to them, the archdemon lands and grabs Clarel with its teeth shaking and tossing her back onto the bridge near their feet. It inches closer to them and their backs faced the broken bridge. Cullen looks behind him to see how far the drop was.  _ Shit, the drop would surely kill them.  _ Clarel recites the Grey Warden’s motto before firing one more spell up the archdemon’s underside. This causes the archdemon to come crashing down sliding to the end of the bridge. Everyone dodges out of its path only to see it trying to claw its way up unsuccessfully. Unfortunately, the clawing was taking chunks of the bridge out. They feel the bridge shaking and crumbling beneath their feet. They scramble away but before long Cullen no longer felt solid ground. As he looked down to his death, he sees a flash of green light.

* * *

He groaned as he opened his eyes.  _ For falling several hundred feet, the impact didn’t hurt too bad. _ He took in his surroundings.  _ What in the- _ He hears Stout behind him asking where they are. He looks around and sees everyone here. Solas seems fascinated, Cole looked panicked and the rest seemed confused. 

“We’re in the Fade,” Solas answers full of awe. Cullen starts to panic as well but he becomes more concerned as he sees Ellana take off. He sprints off after her and grabs her hand and pulls her back to the main group.

After Solas successfully calms Cole down, he continues, “It would seem the Inquisitor opened a rift for us to come through. It's a marvel we survived.” Solas continues to marvel at the feat but Cullen tunes him out. He looks over at Ellana to see if anything had changed.  _ She’s in there somewhere, otherwise, how could she open a rift to save us?  _ She was looking towards the distance now, the same way she was looking at Adamant. 

Cullen interrupts Solas, “She’s doing it again.” Solas and Morrigan came over to look. 

“Perhaps she’ll lead us out of here? She did open this rift after all. We should be cautious however, a powerful demon commands this place.” Solas also warns everyone that the Fade is shaped by their own intentions and emotions and that the area is probably controlled by some kind of fear demon. 

Cullen sighed. The last time he was trapped in the Fade was at Ferelden’s Circle. He tried to shake the fear out of his head. He had to remain focused and protect the powerless Ellana.

After fighting some demons and walking towards where Ellana’s focus was, they all get stopped in their tracks, mouths agape. Standing in front of them was Divine Justinia.

She smiles warmly at them and greets them all individually. Cassandra couldn’t believe what she was seeing. She looked the Divine up and down and says, “It is said the souls of the dead pass through the Fade and sometimes linger, but...We know the spirits lie.” Stout agrees it must be a spirit.

Justinia continues to smile at them, “You think my survival impossible, yet here you stand alive in the Fade yourselves. In truth, proving my existence either way would require time we do not have.”

Hawke scoffs in response. Cullen agreed internally. “Really?” Hawke asks sarcastically, “How hard is it to answer one question? I’m a human, and you are…”

“I am here to help you.” This time Cullen scoffs.  _ It is a demon. _ “You do not know how to cure the Inquisitor.”

Cullen’s ears perk up and his eyes narrow. “How did you know that?”

“The demon that serves Corypheus is responsible. It is the Nightmare you forget upon waking. It is the terror you cannot remember, the horror your mind erases to protect you. When old memories no longer make the veteran soldier’s hand tremble, it is because the Nightmare has taken them. This place of darkness is its lair. Most people avoid their fears. It is simple for the demon to steal the darkest fragments.”

“So...it may have helped me,” Cullen said quietly looking down at his own hands that once trembled in the night. 

“Perhaps. In any case, robbing people of their fears is never a kindness. At best, it is a mistake born of compassion. Without fear, and pain, and failure, we cannot learn. We cannot grow. It feeds off memories of fear and darkness, growing fat upon the terror. The false Calling that terrified the Wardens into making such grave mistakes? Its work. Possessing the Inquisitor and attempting to make her Tranquil. Also its work. It is not simply fear. They forget, and it feeds. When she entered the Fade at Haven, the demon took a part of her.” _Ellana was scared?_ _The way she holds herself, how she’s the first one to take aim at a dragon, or how she unflinchingly faced Corypheus by herself, she made it seem like she didn’t know what fear was. I knew she hid behind her walls but I didn’t know how much. How much more will I uncover behind those walls?_

“How does recovering her memories help?” Morrigan interjects. 

“She cannot escape the lair of the Nightmare until she regains all that it took from her. Go and recover them.” She turns and points behind her and a few spirits appear. Morrigan and Solas take care of them before they can get close.

“Helping us? She just summoned some spirits to kill us!” Hawke says.

“Look,” Solas points, ignoring Hawke’s sarcasm. “The spirits left behind something.” Sure enough, the spirits left what looked like fragments of itself. 

When they walked up, Ellana instinctively stuck her Anchor towards it. The fragment reacted with her Anchor and it looked like the Anchor was absorbing the fragment. 

“This must be what the Inquisitor was drawn to,” Solas said with fascination. “She tried to lead us here so that she could recover herself.” When she finished absorbing the last one, they were all blinded by a green light that slowly faded into what they quickly concluded was her memories. They see Justinia bound by Grey Warden mages. 

“Now is the hour of our victory.” They all recognized that voice, it was Corypheus.

“Why are you doing this? You of all people?” Justinia asks.

“Keep the sacrifice still.” Corypheus is holding something that Cullen doesn’t recognize. It glows a familiar green.  _ Is that the Anchor? _ As he brings it closer to her, she also pulses green.

“Someone help me!” she cries out.

Just then, Ellana bursts through the door, “What’s going on here?” Both Justinia and Corypheus turn to the intruder but Justinia takes advantage of Corypheus’s distraction to hit the orb out of his hand. It goes rolling towards Ellana who goes to catch it with her left hand. The orb surges with power and before Corypheus reaches her, it causes the explosion that probably leveled the Temple of Sacred Ashes. The memory ends and Cullen blinks until his eyes refocus.

Stout angrily exclaims that her mark did not come from Andraste. The spirit Justinia confirms but tells them they must go quickly as the Nightmare now knows they are here.

“You couldn’t have warned us first before we started picking up those fragments?” Hawke sighs. He turns to Stout and confronts him about the Grey Wardens’ involvement. Their conversation starts getting heated and Cullen impatiently breaks it up so that they can get the hell out of here. 

The number of demons starts to increase and the Nightmare starts talking to them. In a booming voice that could be heard all around them. It begins by laughing at them. “What a futile effort to save your useless Inquisitor. Your Inquisitor is a fraud. More evidence there is no Maker, no Andraste. 

“Die in the void, demon!” Cassandra yells back. Cullen looks solemnly at her. _I too believed she was chosen. This doesn't mean she isn't but a lot of people may see it otherwise._

It then calls them out one by one, attacking their greatest fears. When it came time to Solas, it spoke in elven so Cullen wasn’t sure what his fear was. Then, it was his turn.  “Are you afraid, Cullen, to be surrounded by demons?” it asks, “Especially when you prayed for the Maker and no one came to save you. You couldn’t even save yourself. Yet, you expect to protect the person you love. I see you’ve done a great job so far,” it laughs maniacally.  _ I knew what the Nightmare would say to me would hurt but… _ He turns to Ellana sadly and squeezes her hand for strength.  _Forgive me, Ellana. I wish I was stronger for you. We wouldn't have ended up like this..._

Before they could gain any respite, the Nightmare continues his onslaught by sending demons that look like their greatest fear. Cullen saw the same demons that Uldred summoned to torment him. Solas tries to console them but everyone is dejected, tired of its psychological abuse.  _ This is what Ellana had to endure for countless nights? _

Luckily, they get a moment to catch their breath. The Divine appeared before them and again, there were spirits that probably contained more fragments for Ellana. The memory was a continuation of the previous. Justinia stood at the top of a platform and Ellana was still climbing up towards her. Right on her heels were demons. Justinia calls out to warn her about the demons. Ellana manges to make it up but Justinia falls behind and the demons grab her. Ellana turns around to grab Justinia but she urges her to go and sacrifices herself. Ellana jumps through the rift. 

Cassandra had a single tear running down her face. “The Divine was the one, not Andraste. She died to…” she turns over to look at the spirit, now sure that it is one. The spirit apologizes for disappointing everyone and changes into a golden spirit with the Divine’s silhouette. Hawke and Stout begin to tear into each other again, blaming each other for what has passed and what was to come. Cullen yells at them to stop when he hears screeching. A small mass of demons had found them.

It takes a while, but eventually, they dispatch the demons. Hawke slumps down and breathes heavily while the mages search their pouches for lyrium. The spirit appears again and Cullen asks it, “Why isn’t she better yet?”

“There is another set of memories that the Nightmare has taken.” Cullen nods and rallies everyone to push on. They quickly encounter the spirits and easily rinse and repeat having Ellana absorb the fragments the spirits left behind. However, this time, Ellana doesn’t do it herself.

“What’s wrong?” Morrigan asks. Cullen looks at her. Her facial expression definitely changed. He calls for her but no response. She’s still not there. 

“Maybe she’s starting to come through?” Solas asks.

Cole answers them, “No, not these.” He paces and starts screaming, “No, no, no!” Solas again tries to calm Cole down to no avail. Cole’s reaction put everyone on edge. 

“I have a bad feeling about this,” Hawke says shaking his head. Cullen gingerly picks up her hand and raises it to the first fragment. The same reaction occurs which gives him some relief. He looks over at Ellana who now has a tear running down her face. He panics and asks if she can hear him but she still doesn’t respond. He hugs her and they begin debating what they should do or if the fragment is somehow hurting her.

The spirit of the Divine appears, “You must move quickly, the Nightmare is closing in.”

“Something is wrong, why is she reacting to these?” Cullen asks, still holding Ellana to his chest.

“This memory is her greatest fear, pain, and failure but you must make her remember or she will not be whole again.”

“We have no choice,” Solas says solemnly which causes Cole to cry out more.  _ I’m sorry Ellana. _ Cullen personally drags her to each one, eliciting a stronger reaction with each fragment takes up. When the final fragment gets absorb, they all brace themselves for what they would see.


	21. Your Name Will Be Ellana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the archive warnings are for. Doesn't go further than clothes being ripped by the way.

Three elves were sitting huddled around in a small tent. One male and one female. The female was clutching onto a child. The male gets up and stands by the entrance to the tent peering out. Sounds of battle were closing in on them. 

“What’s going on out there?” the female elf asks.

The male elf rushes over to her side, holding a finger to his lips, “Hush. I’ll protect you. They won’t get past me.”

The female starts to protest, “But…”

He hushes her again, “Stay with her.” He smiles sadly at the both of them and rubs the child’s face. “I will return to you.” The child nods. She seemed more confused than scared, unlike the female elf. 

They hear fighting outside and the woman starts to panic. She quickly leads the child to hide underneath the dresser--one of the few pieces of furniture in the tent. “They are closer,” she says, “You have to hide. Whatever happens, don’t come out.” She kisses the child on the forehead and the child crawls underneath the dresser. 

The woman walks out of the tent. Shortly afterward there are screams of someone begging, “Please, somebody!” The little girl closes her eyes but does not cry or make any noises. There are distinct gurgling sounds as if someone was dying right outside her tent. Much time passes before there are no more sounds of screams or moans. The little girl continues to stay as quiet and still as a statue.

Her eyes fly open when she hears a voice of an unfamiliar man, “No one is alive...”  Footsteps are heard all around her tent before a pair of boots shows up right in front of her. She still doesn’t even let out a whimper. 

“What do we have here?” A bloodied human appears in front of her causing her to jump. He is smiling from ear to ear. He reaches in and drags her out, “You thought you were hidden? Silly girl,” he throws his head back and laughs. She takes that moment to scramble up and bolt out the tent. She nearly trips on the body right outside her tent. It was the woman that was holding her earlier. For a split second, you see her facial expression change but she quickly pushes it away. She doesn’t hesitate for another moment when she hears the man yell, “Get back here!”

She runs and runs without turning back, always hearing the boots right behind her. She ducks and weaves agilely through the thick shrub and trees. It looked like her small frame could help her make her escape but she is suddenly picked up by her collar right out of the air. He caught her, “I have you now.” 

He grins devilishly and licks his lips. She struggles to keep his hands away from her but he’s so much bigger than her. He tears at her clothes and before he could fully undress her, suddenly, something glistens between them. Between her hands, she conjured an icicle and had stabbed him in the heart. He begins to lose strength and drops her and looks down at his wound. “What?” he hisses and clutches at the icicle. Blood was pouring out onto his hands as he staggers back and falls to the ground. She looks down to see her hands covered in blood. A few others must have heard the commotion and came rushing over. She stands there and sends out more spells with a flurry. 

When no one was left moving, she was left covered in blood and frost. She stands there panting, waiting for another to come out but no one does. She slowly sinks down and curls up into a fetal position. She puts her head against her knees and stays like that. Time suddenly speeds forward and the child remains unmoving as two suns go by. 

When time slows to its normal pace, there is a rustling in the woods. Another unfamiliar voice calls out, “There’s someone here!” The rustling gets louder until an elven woman comes up to her. 

She gently reaches down to the child, “What’s your name?” The child looks up but doesn’t respond. The elven woman smiles at her as her comrades check the surrounding bodies. The woman holds the child and wraps a cloak around her. They stay like that for hours. She sings her an elven song and continues to get her to talk to no avail. After a while, the elven woman looks up to the canopy of leaves. The sun and leaves were in just the right position so that the only rays of light that made it into the clearing were shining on them. She smiles and looks down at the child, “Your name will be Ellana.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed this twist. I was super excited for this chapter! 
> 
> If you didn't notice. This whole chapter's dialogue comes from the chapter titles! I tried my best to forshadow Ellana slowly regaining her memories through her dreams and especially when she was confronted by Samson which culminated into this chapter. 
> 
> I'll probably be taking a week or so to have time to write the decide where the story goes from here. I haven't 100% decided if I will be posting the next part as a completely new work or a continuation of Frozen Fire. Thanks for all the support and let me know what your thoughts are.


	22. Don't push me away this time

Everyone was dead silent. Cullen felt sick in his stomach. Hawke and Stout looked nervously at the ground. They didn't know Ellana enough to feel comfortable seeing such an intimate memory.  _ Ellana was what, four or five? To have to silently listen to her parents die right outside for hours only to be caught and chased and--She was almost  _ raped.  _ Mages’ magic don't even manifest so young and she killed a small army of men the first time it did. How did no one know about this? Leliana investigated her deeply. Had I known... I… don't know how I would be able to help her. Suddenly, everything makes sense though. Her closed emotionless state... it's how she had to be to survive or was this how she always was? _

Ellana held out her hand and a spirit appears in front of her. Everyone quickly snaps out of their thoughts ready to protect her but the spirit simply withers into a fragment. Another memory, this time of her being trapped in the Fade and how she manages to escape by opening a rift.

“That's not possible,” Solas gasps. “How could she open a rift in a dream?” No one knew the answers but Ellana continued. She once again, raises her hand, this time her hand crackles and opens a rift. 

“Is that the way out?” Hawke asks. 

“Floating. The feeling of not feeling at all. She's in there but she doesn't want to come out,” Cole whispers sadly. 

Cullen doesn't even hesitate to think. He marches into the rift. He hears everyone's protest as he steps through.

* * *

_ What Cole said was right.  _ He didn't feel like he existed but he could still feel himself there. He felt like he was floating and walking through a deep pond. In front of him was Ellana. Seemingly an arm's length away but she was miles away. She sat and looked like she did as a child. She was hugging her knees to her chest with her head buried in them. He tries to call out for her but he can't hear himself. She looks up from his calling. He suddenly hears the noise of her crying and he looks and sees tears running down her face. He reaches out and holds her to him. When he looks down, she looks like her normal age. He has so many things to say to her but he thought it best to let her talk first.

They stay together for an eternity. When her crying slows to just sniffles, she shifted out underneath him to look at him. “Why did you come here?” Her voice echoes out but returns back to him. 

“I wanted to be there when you were feeling the most alone.”

She gets up and turns her back to him. She rubs her right arm nervously. She shakily tells him, “I'm an imposter. I wasn't chosen--I thought I was, I believed I was, but--I tried to stay strong for you, for everyone but I just crumbled.” 

Cullen walked up behind her and put his hand gently on her shoulder. “No one can carry their burdens on their own,” he pauses and pulled her to face him. “You showed me that.” He reaches down to kiss her forehead. When she doesn't pull away, he smiles and kisses her again on the cheek and wipes away any remaining tears.

“I'm scared,” she whispers.

He holds her close, “That's ok.” She doesn't say any more. Her walls were still there but he wanted her to dismantle them at her own rate. He coaxes her towards to rift and they both step through.

The change in lighting was blinding. He hears people still protesting him entering but then abruptly stopped. He sees a last fragment get absorbed by Ellana. When it does, it sends a massive shockwave that knocks everyone off their feet. The amount of magic in the air was nauseating. Ellana was surrounded by a blizzard. She's looking down at her hands panicked. She looks up to Cullen and her expression changes to deep sorrow. Before he could call out to her, she quickly fade steps away. 

Morrigan gets up and dusts herself off, “Curious.” 

Cullen was already trying to sprint after her when he hears them call out to him. She left a frosty trail behind making it easy to chase her. He hears his companions slowing down telling him it's impossible to catch up with a mage that's casting that many fade steps. He comes to a halt cursing in between breaths.

“What's wrong with her now?” he asks angrily. 

Morrigan eyes him, “How long did you think you were in there?”

“I don't know…” it dawned on him, “It felt like days…”

“And yet we didn't even finish calling you back before you stepped back out. Time must move differently in that realm between the Fade and the Veil. She was there probably for thousands of years. That must have affected her magic. Whether the effects are temporary or permanent is yet to be seen.”

_ Thousands of years all alone. _ He clutched at the pain in his heart only to be interrupted by the roars of the Nightmare. 

“Do you think you can fight me? I am your every fear come to life! I am the Veiled hand of Corypheus himself! The demon army you fear? I command it. They are bound all through me!”

“The Inquisitor must need our help. We have to catch up somehow!” Solas shouts as he takes off after the trail. 

No demons stop them, but they do see a few completely frozen in a block of ice. He was more worried than scared of her magic.  _ Could it rip her apart? _

They see the rift that would probably lead them back into the fortress but in front of it was this giant creature with so many eyes, pincers, and legs. This was the demon the Grey Wardens were trying to bring over. Ellana stood off to the side and backs away whenever they get close. He can’t catch her eyes. 

The spirit of the Divine returns and starts glowing brightly. It flies towards the giant demon and says, “If you would, please tell Leliana, ‘I am sorry. I failed you too.’” They both burst into a flash of light and disappear leaving only the Aspect of the Nightmare. Ellana stood at a distance, picking off any straggling demons. The ice around her was swirling at a quicker rate. 

After a long battle, they kill the demon and rush towards the rift. A few feet from the rift, the giant demon swoops in and hisses at them. Stout and Hawke start volunteering to be the one to stay behind and draw its attention. Ellana yells for them to stay behind her. She rushes forward and Cullen can feel the surge of magic stifling his breath. The amount of ice around her was nearly blinding. She summons icicles the size of the demon’s pincers and looks back at them.

“Go, now!” Everyone doesn’t hesitate to make a break for the rift but Cullen lingers behind watching her. The sheer force of her magic made him stagger. He watches as countless icicles pierce the demon. It cries in agony as the first few hits but stops making any sounds by the fifth one. Even though it was clearly dead, he sees her continue to form more ice. 

Cullen tries to run back up to her but somehow she knew and yelled at him to stay back. He ignored her and grabbed her and turned her to him. The magic surged into his body and he felt the ice start to form on his armor. 

He ignores how sick he felt from the magic and told her to let it go. She fade steps over to the rift and he jogs over to it. “I’m not leaving you behind,” he says gritting his teeth. He grabs her and pushes her through the rift. 

They both go tumbling through. Grey Wardens and Inquisition soldiers were fighting demons all around them. She scrambles up and her mark surges killing all the demons and closing the rift. Everyone cheers but she quickly fades steps away. 

“Ellana!” he calls out after her. Again, she leaves a trail of ice but he can’t catch up to her. He follows the trail out of the fortress. Although it was completely dark out it wasn’t hard to find her. About a mile out, he could see a swirl of a blizzard.  _ Snow in the middle of the desert. _

On the edge of the blizzard, the snow was soft and calm but as he got closer, he could feel the ice cut him. The amount of snow and ice made the visibility impossible to see the epicenter. Before Cullen could proceed further and hurt himself, he felt someone pull him back. It was Morrigan.

“The ice will cut you up the further you get in. It is best that we wait.” They sat there and wait and sure enough, her magic did subside. As the blizzard waned, they were able to see what was in the epicenter, a cylindrical ice sculpture. 

“Is she in there?”

“Most likely. Don’t worry, we’ll be able to get in.”

As Morrigan said, the blizzard eventually stopped but the snow on the ground and ice building stayed. They trudged through the snow and it got deeper as they got closer to the building. Morrigan conjures a flame to start melting the building. They slowly get through the building's walls which must have been a couple feet thick. Morrigan nods to him and extinguishes the flame. She disappears back into the darkness behind him. 

In the edge of the room was Ellana. She was sitting as she was before--legs pulled to her chest but her arms rested on her knees with her head was tilted atop her arms. Her eyes were closed and her magic hummed a little louder than usual. All around the room, little snowflakes floated about. There was a small flame nearby to keep the room warm. 

She suddenly opens her eyes and looks straight into him. He feels the magic surge slightly and the snowflakes bounce around them. She speaks first, “What I did…My magic now...doesn't it scare you?”

“Once, but not anymore.” He sat down cross-legged facing her.

“What if I hurt you or you get hurt because of me. Corypheus knew-”

“If that is my fate then I would rather spend every day with you than safely apart. And since he has already, what difference can either of us do?” He offered his hand to her and at first, she hesitates but she places the tips of her fingers atop his. He takes that invitation to grasp her hand fully in his. When she doesn't recoil, he shifts to sit against the icy wall and tugs her into his arms. His voice is hollow and barely above a whisper, “I know you tried to stay behind, back in the Fade.” She doesn't respond so he softens his voice further, “You've been alone for so long but you're not anymore. As I've said before, you helped me with my burdens, you have to let me do the same.” He pulls her closer and whispers, “Let me in Ellana.” She whimpers into his chest causing him to feel his heart twist in pain. “Let me in Ellana,” he repeats. “Don't push me away this time. Tell me what troubles you.”

She sobs silently for a long time before she finally speaks. “How could I have even forgotten this?”

“You were young, it was probably a way for you to cope.”

“Why didn't anyone know to tell me? Deshanna said my parents were dead when she found me alone in the woods. Why didn't anyone tell me?”

“She probably didn't know exactly what happened, how could she? She only saw the aftermath. When you didn't remember… she probably left it best that way.”

“I couldn't protect them Cullen,” she cried. Her voice and desperation gained with each sentence, “I listened to them for hours. Why didn't my magic show up then? And when it did, I couldn't control it. I was a monster. Now, it's happening again. What if I can't protect you? What if I get you in the crossfire?”

“You did what you had to do to protect yourself. The men you killed were not innocent. Still, I know how you feel. I blamed myself as well. The pain comes and goes. Sometimes I feel as if I’m back there...I’ve never told anyone what truly happened to me at Ferelden’s Circle. I was…not myself after that. I was angry. For years, that anger blinded me. I’m not proud of the man that made me.” He shook his head. “The way I saw mages...I’m not sure I would have cared about you, and the thought of that sickens me. Now I can put some distance between myself and everything that happened. It's a start but when I was at my lowest, you stood by my side. That was all I needed to keep me going. Most importantly, those memories were replaced with happy ones. I started to look towards the future than the past. We can't change what happened to us, but we can change what we will become.” She sobs into his chest and he strokes her hair to try to comfort her. 

“Do you feel any differently about me?”

“Did you when I told you my past?”

“No...but-”

He pulled her as close as he could, “I love you Ellana, more and more every day. Nothing can change that.”

She turns to look up at him. Her eyes were full of tears but they seemed brighter than before. “Really? I...I love you too.”

He smiled back at her and reached down to kiss her. He could taste the saltiness of the tears that were still running down her face. “I should have told you that sooner.” He cups her face, “I shouldn’t have pushed you away that day. I’m sorry for that. I hope you won’t do that to me.” He wiped away her tear and she slowly nods in response. They sit together a while longer before he asked her, “What do you want to do right now?” 

She picked at his armor and sniffed a few times. “I'm not ready to go back. I'd rather stay here for the rest of my life than face everyone.”

He smiled sadly at her and pulled off his hard armor so she could rest comfortably on him. He pulls her head to his chest and told her, “Get some rest, my love.” He feels her fidget for quite a while before she slowly drifted off. It wasn't long before he felt her magic surge again. He held her tighter to no avail. Ice started coming out of her fingertips.

“Ellana!” He shakes her awake. Her eyes shoot open and she pushes off of him. 

“Sorry!” He feels her magic dampen. “I was there again. I can't Cullen, when I close my eyes--what if I hurt you in my sleep?” Tears started welling up in her eyes again. 

He hushes her and rubs both of her arms up and down, “It's okay, we'll just keep trying. It's only been a few hours since you've recovered.”

“Don't you think someone else should watch over me?”

“You just need to trust me and trust yourself. You won't do anything. You just need to relax.” 

She tried settling again but the cycle repeats. They try again several more times before they begin to see the beginning light of dawn shining through the ice. He can see the frustration and exhaustion had dried her tears and her words. He reached into this pocket and pulled out her letter. She notices it and tilts her head slightly. “You know...this letter kept me going when you were...gone.” He hands it to her. She twiddles the letter in her hand while they both remain silent for a time. “I never understood it, you know?” he began. “You were so compassionate but at the first sign of danger, you would take the most extreme action to protect yourself. They say our personality never changes. It's set in stone since we’re born. Yes, we can change but we’re only capable of changing to the extent that our initial boundaries allow for. So, unknowingly, as a child, you took the only action you knew that would protect yourself. That letter--when you feel like you want to retract back into your protective walls, I want you to use it to remind yourself that you can rely on others just as you told me.” Her face softened and she put the letter gingerly into her pocket. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been having a very hard time writing this next part. I'm attached to these characters so it's hard to watch them suffer but it's totally unrealistic to just be, oh they're better now.
> 
> I'm going on vacation this May so I'll probably won't post at the same rate as I did before. Thanks for being patient and following this story!


	23. I'm glad you found her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be interspersing some "flashback" stories from Deshanna's/Admah's POV about Ellana's past

Admah sat by her side eating some bread. They watched Ellana in the distance practicing her magic. 

“Ellana’s improved a lot,” Admah said between swallowing. Deshanna looked at Ellana with pride and nodded to her child.

“Did you know no one wanted her?”

“What?” Admah exclaimed, “She’s a blessing from Mythal.”

Deshanna threw her head back and laughed heartily, “They used to say she was cursed by Fen’Harel.”

“What?” Admah exclaimed louder. “Why?”

“I was just made the clan leader a short while before we found Ellana in the woods. Her whole clan was killed and she was the only one left.”

“Yeah, I know that. She killed their attackers and she was the only one left!” 

Deshanna nods, “Although our clan allows for up to three mages, a child that killed a small army of men was too powerful to be trained. The fact that she never talked or said anything made many think she was cursed by Fen’Harel. At any rate, if another mage was born, they would have to cast them out. No parent wanted that possibility to be due to my own bleeding heart.”

“Oh, so when did she start talking?”

“At first, I didn’t get much out of her but after I earned her trust, she slowly started to nod or say one-word phrases to me. Eventually, she did but…she never told me what happened. Even as she got older, when I ask her about it, she doesn’t remember.”

“Isn’t that for the best?” Admah said, turning back to watch Ellana practice. 

“I hope so.”

Admah turns back to his mother, “I’m glad you found her,” he paused. “I want to marry her in the future, is that weird?” 

Deshanna raises her eyebrow. _Where he gets his bluntness, I’ll never know._ “Technically you are not related by blood but…”

“I never saw her as a sister so I don’t care. No one will say anything when I’m made Keeper,” he grinned. 

“Insolent child,” Deshanna lightly hit him over the head with her staff causing them to both laugh. Ellana turns and looks at the commotion and runs over with a smile on her face.

_They are both of my children so it seems odd to me. I raised them to be siblings but Admah has always seen his own way in things. Nothing is wrong with Ellana. Actually, she would be a great mate for anyone. But Admah and Ellana would be well suited for one another. She keeps up with him and puts him in his place even better than I can. The problem would be how the clan would react. Many in the clan would think it was distasteful. They would not approve the relationship and punish them in some way._

She watches her two children talk jovially. All she can do is hope for the best.


	24. You were happy here?

It was midday when Ellana finally decided to leave the safety of her ice fortress. Most of the Inquisition army had started to head back. Cullen and Ellana kept away from the main forces on their way back. By now, she understood why Cullen didn’t want to talk after he confessed his past to her, however shutting him out made her feel even worse especially since he was so adamant about it.

On their trip back, he was able to tell her about everything that happened and it broke her heart to hear about how he thought she was gone forever. She apologizes and he apologizes as well. She knows this must be just as hard for him but he was trying to be strong for the both of them. He regrets pushing her away and so does she but more so, she was still reeling from everything that happened. 

Cullen seemed to be lost in thought as well when she looked over. “What’s on your mind?” 

He quickly turns his head to her, “There was something I thought of when you were...If we can spare the time, maybe we can head to Ferelden before heading back?”

“Is something wrong?”

“What? No. I would rather explain there. If you wish to go.”

“Sure,” she nods. “I don’t want to go back to Skyhold yet anyways.” 

* * *

They were able to sleep a little more with each passing night but she still woke up multiple times from either being unable to control her magic or the nightmares. She wanted to get better for both her sake and his but she couldn’t simply will herself to feel better. Of course, this only made her feel worse; that she was dragging Cullen down with her. Still, he stood by her side and never stopped encouraging her. 

They finally reach Ferelden after a few days. As they neared Honnleath, they passed it by.  _ I was sure we were going to stop there. That’s Cullen’s hometown. _

Once they reached Lake Calenhad, Cullen gets off his horse and helps her off hers. He excitedly beckons her to the docks. By now, the sun was mostly out of the sky and the fog was settling in. They couldn’t see very far across the lake but the view was still breathtaking. The sounds of the lake’s gentle waves breaking onto the dock and the frogs croaking made the setting serene.

They walk to the end of the dock and Ellana asks, “Why are we here?”

“I wanted to take you away from everything. If only for a moment.” He leans against one of the logs at the end of the dock. “I grew up not far from here. This place was always quiet.” He smiled sweetly at her.

She looks out at the view again appreciating the silence. She turns back to him, “Did you come here often?” 

“I loved my siblings, but they were very loud. I would come here to clear my head. Of course, they always found me eventually.”

“You were happy here?”

“I was. I still am.” He smiles. She felt a smile crept up on her face. Cullen immediately notices her smile and beams back at her. He steps forward to embrace her. 

She wraps her arms around him.  _ He’s right, this place does clear my head. _

“The last time I was here was the day I left for templar training.” He pulls away and reaches into his pocket. “My brother gave me this. It just happened to be in his pocket, but he said it was for luck.” She peers into his hand to see a coin. “Templars are not supposed to carry such things. Our faith should see us through.” Ellana laughed and Cullen laughed and asked her, “What?”

“You broke another one of the Order’s rules? I’m shocked once again.”

“What--no--I already told you, you don’t have to give up...physical--” he groaned and covered his face with his hand. “You know, until a year ago, I was very good at following them.” She raised her eyebrow. “Most of the time,” he adds in response and rolls his eyes. When they stop laughing he continues, “This was the only thing I took from Ferelden that the templars didn't give me.” He toys with the coin in his hand for a while. She can tell he’s hesitating on saying his next sentence. He finally holds it out to her and tells her, “Humor me. We don’t know what you’ll face before the end. This can’t hurt.”

She reaches out and smiles at him. She holds the coin up. “I’ll keep it safe.”

“Good. I know it’s foolish, but...I’m glad.” He slowly pulls her close and tips his head down to kiss her. For once, everything felt back to normal and desire in the pit of her stomach blossom once again. As he if could read her mind, he pulls away before she could deepen the kiss. He suggests they head out before it gets too dark.

She sighs and takes one last look out at the lake.  _ Cullen said our personality is largely set in stone. That we only adjust as far as the boundaries allow us. I can see he's changed. He's forgiven himself and the Creators for putting him through that. But am I able to do that? The pain goes away when I remember what my duty is. I just compartmentalize as I did before. Duty was the only thing keeping me going. It's the only thing that's always kept me going. Now maybe it could be more than that. The sense of belonging somewhere has the greatest pull of all.  _

She turns back to Cullen who smiles at her and says, “I’m ready to go back to Skyhold.”


	25. Again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW!

They arrived back at Skyhold just after midnight. Cullen was surprised that she wanted to go back so soon. He didn't expect their escapade to go so well.  _ She even made a joke and we both laughed for the first time in days.  _ He smiled thinking about it.

He knew there were a ton things to do back at Skyhold. He and Leliana were sending crows back and forth. They already made the necessary preparations for her arrival days ago should she come back. They let everyone know that the Inquisitor was dealing with personal matters and all decisions were postponed. Of course, their inner circle knew everything by now and were advised to let her approach them. In addition, her magic hadn’t stabilized yet. Morrigan and Solas were eager for her to get back so they could examine her again.

They go to put their horses in the stables and he offers to walk her back to her room. When they get there, Ellana discovers that Leliana had doubled the guards much to Ellana’s dismay. Especially since the second set of guards were in her room. 

“Inquisitor, our orders are firm. We aren't allowed to be sent away by anyone other than Leliana.”

Ellana crossed her arms and huffed. “This is ridiculous, I'm going to talk to Leliana.”

Cullen stops her, “I think it's a good idea to keep them.”

She whispers angrily to him, “But--” She looks nervous and breaks eye contact beguiling Cullen. She lowers her voice, “I was hoping we could continue to sleep together.” 

Cullen blinks a few times in response and feels a lump in his throat.  _ I mean, yes we've shared the same tent recently… it makes sense but at least we were semi-separated due to the separate bedrolls. And the last time… and she wants the guards gone... _ He could feel himself slightly getting pink but quickly regains composure before the guards. He clears his throat, “Leave. Now. I'll guard the Inquisitor.” The guards look at one another and Cullen groans internally. They nod and take their leave but he knows they'll be talking to everyone in the barracks about this. Cullen follows them and locks the door behind them. 

Ellana sighs and sinks into her armchair. “We had the option of rearranging everything but I didn't know if you'd like that,” Cullen tells her as he walks over by her side. 

“It's fine,” Ellana waves him off then turns to him. “Let me help you out of your armor.”

Cullen’s heart starts skipping beats as she helps him out. She slinks behind her changing screen to where her bathtub is. She conjures up water and he hears her get in. He tries not to think about her to no avail, desire begins blooming in his core. He decides just going to bed would be best but he usually sleeps naked so he didn’t want to startle Ellana or give her the wrong idea. So he paces back and forth in front of her bookcase, mindlessly browsing random books. Most of the books were in Elven anyways. When he hears her get out, she asks him from across the room, “Do you want me to conjure you a bath? I heard you like cool ones.”

“Um...yes--sure.” He bolts behind the screen when he sees her turn the corner in just a towel. He quickly strips and lowers him in the bath, hoping that the bath would also cool his desires. The water was the perfect temperature, just like a stream on a warm summer day, refreshing, but not cold. Much to his relief, he hears her opening her drawers and putting on her clothes. He quickly finishes his bath and grabs the towel she laid out for him. He wraps the towel around his waist and turns the corner to see Ellana dressed. _ If you would call that dressed _ . She wore a white silk dress with skinny straps. One properly on her shoulder while there other slipped off. He could vaguely make out the peaks of her breast through the thin material but it was largely covered by the bow in the center that joined the two sides together. From there, the material was sheer so he could see her milky white skin and her smalls which were adorned with lace edging. His breath hitched as he saw her and he could feel all the blood rushing to his face and waist. Luckily, she was walking towards the doors to the balcony to notice his predicament. She pushed open the doors and Cullen scampered to her bed quickly stripping his damp towel and hid under the covers. She turned back and he smiled weakly at her. She smiled back at him.  _ Maker.  _

“You like it cold right?”

He nods, “But you don't.”

“I'll be fine under all the blankets, besides you're like a furnace next to me.” 

She blows out the candles save the ones in the far corner to leave the room faintly lit.  _ She used to like sleeping in the dark but since her nightmares, she wants to see who's waking her up. _ She slips into bed and cuddles up to him but luckily doesn't go anywhere near his waist. He's sure she could hear how rapidly his heart was beating. He could feel her soft breasts on his side.  _ How am I supposed to sleep like this?  _

She starts slowly drumming her fingers on his chest. Her fingers trail down from his sternum downwards at a painfully slow rate. When she reaches the middle of his stomach he catches her hand causing her to gasp in surprise. He burns his eyes into her and she shifts to sit on top of him. He lets out a low groan when he feels her wetness through her smalls. 

She shyly reaches down and kisses him. He places his hand on the back of her neck to pull her closer and deepens the kiss. In response, she lets out a muffled moan and slowly grinds into him. He reaches up towards the bow and gives the end a soft tug to release the knot opening her nightgown up. He hungrily cups one of her breasts and she grinds into him with urgency as he thumbs her hardened peak.

She breaks away from him just to shimmy out of her smalls before returning to his lap. He groans again now that he can feel her bare against him. He sits up to let her wrap her arms around his neck for stability as she lowers herself down unto him. He hisses a curse when she slowly sinks down. His hands are all over her feeling her soft skin. He missed her touch dearly. The last time left him wanting more and more but due to the events that transpired, he didn’t think he would get another chance like this. He leaves wet kisses all down her throat and whispers her name against her skin.

She sets a slow pace at first but it doesn't take for her to quicken her pace. He watches as she throws her head back in ecstasy and her hands intertwine with his hair. He kisses her exposed throat again and whispers his worship to her against her hot skin. Before long, she becomes too enraptured in pleasure to continue the pace so he grabs her hips and drives up into her. He feels the familiar clench around him letting him know she's almost over the edge. Something catches his eyes--it's snow. _Shit, her magic._ He lowers his hand to find her clit to rub and quickly drive her over before she sets off a blizzard in the room. She gasps and moans in response causing him to want to drive in her harder and faster. The snow was picking up now, but before it could blanket her room, she spills over and cries out his name causing him to reach his climax as well. 

They stay still panting and she runs her hands mindlessly through his hair. He gently slips out of her and lays her back down. She pulls him down for a series of small gentle kisses before her eyes grew too heavy to keep open. He watches her fall asleep, stroking her hair for quite a while before he drifted off as well.

* * *

He got up just as the sun began to come up over the mountain ridges. Ellana was cuddled up next to him sound asleep.  _ Thank the Maker, one night where she was able to sleep all the way.  _ He slowly realizes Ellana was very much still naked next to him and he couldn't get up to put on any clothes because all of his clothes was across Skyhold. He felt her stir next to him and he quickly whispers for her to go back to sleep. She opens her eyes and smiles at him. Flustered, he stammers out an apology for waking her up but she ignores him and kisses him.

“Again?” she asks. He doesn't respond with words. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going on vacation for the rest of this month. I'll try to update shortly afterward.


	26. Surprisingly, a lot better

_ How am I feeling? _ She checked in with herself nearly hourly. Since Cullen took her to the lake, she was feeling numb to the pain. She still didn't voice everything to Cullen yet.  _ How can I? _ It wasn't like some switch she could turn on and off. Still, she felt bad not telling him everything especially how supportive he's been.  _ It's the reason why I fell in love with him in the first place. I know he'd always be there for me but I feel like the increased concern stems from the guilt of pushing me away back then.  _ That also made her feel bad. She wanted Cullen to forgive himself for that. It seemed like an endless cycle. She felt bad that she felt bad. She was affecting Cullen which made her feel worse.

She just wanted desperately to go back to her old ways, where her mind would crawl into a dark corner and be done. It hurt too much to try to stand in the light. She sighed at her thoughts. She closed her eyes to see his amber eyes. When she looks at him, all she can see is her reflection in his eyes. She wanted that reflection to show happiness, not pity or guilt. She composed herself as she reached Leliana’s office. She went to go check in with Leliana.

Leliana immediately whisked her away to Morrigan and Solas. Solas was especially fascinated with her newfound magic. He volunteered to be the one to help her. They walked out of Skyhold and Solas excitedly begins telling her how he wasn’t able to find a case like her but has many theories. She looks away from Solas and realizes where they were headed. She stops, causing Solas to stop and look at her curiously.

“Lets...not work in the forest.”

“Ah...there’s a nearby cave we can work at instead.”

It wasn’t far from Skyhold but it was definitely Elven. There were two giant halla statues carved into the cavern walls. Centered between the statues were waterfalls that fed into a large pond. Enough light came through the cavern ceiling that there were a few ferns that lined the pond’s edge.

“This is...breathtaking.” Ellana smiles and sits at the pond’s edge and runs her fingers through the cool water.

“I’m glad you like it,” Solas beams back at her.

They begin by having Ellana conjure up the most powerful spells she could. She did it with ease and then some; she completely froze the pond and the waterfalls and sent ripples through the veil causing Solas to stagger.

“Sorry! Are you okay?” She helps Solas back on his feet and she tries to control her flow of magic.

“Maybe we should have worked outside,” he chuckles clearly trying to ease her. He conjures up a small fire to try to thaw everything in the room and keep them warm. “Let’s try working in the Fade.” He pulls a few things from his knapsack and begins brewing her some tea. He hands it to her to drink and she immediately falls asleep.

She wakes up in the Fade. A slight moment of panic washes over her. This used to bring comfort and joy to her but now it reminds her of her painful past and the incessant darkness she was stuck in. Solas calls out to her and she immediately feels relieved. She finally gathers her surrounding and realizes they're in Haven.

“Why here?"

“Haven is familiar. It will always be important to you.” As they walk through Haven to familiar locations, he recounts when he met her and how he tried in vain to stop the breach. It was on a whim that he decided to try her Anchor on the rift. Luckily, it closed. She thanks him for all the help and the continued assistance with her magic.

They return back to the outskirts of Haven. He asks her once again to try and expel as much magic as she could. She immediately protests but he insured her he took the necessary precautions. For one, he gave her herbs that would prevent her magic from manifesting in the real world and he also protected both of them with his barriers--just in case.

She closes her eyes and lets the magic bubble out. Before she would still hold back, knowing how destructive it was. The only time she didn't hold back was in the fade when she fought the Nightmare. Her spears of ice splinter at the trees in the forest. When she finally felt her magic sapped, the forest was nearly leveled.

“Impressive,” Solas says simply. She huffs and starts to feel the magic bubble back up. “Let’s try more intricate magic. Have you ever made a snowflake before?” She shakes her head in response. He holds out his hand and she begins to see sparkles of ice coalesce in the center of his palm. Slowly he forms a snowflake that floats just above his hand. He smiles at Ellana to encourage her to try.

The first few attempts, all she could muster were small chunks of ice. Solas continues to encourage her through her frustration and eventually, she’s able to get her ice as small as his. She slowly builds the snowflake out and exclaims at her success when she finishes. Although it wasn’t as smooth and pretty as Solas’s, she was proud to accomplish the task.

They spend quite a while making more snowflakes together, alternating between that and expelling her magic. Eventually, he suggests meditation. When she woke up from her meditation, she was back in the cave.

“How do you feel?” Solas asks.

“Surprisingly, a lot better.” 

He nods, “I’m glad this is working. We’ll do it again tomorrow. It’s already sundown.”

* * *

As she was heading to Cullen’s office, she gets stopped by Sera. She beckons Ellana into the tavern. Ellana tilters her head questioningly and Sera grabs her by the hand and pulls her in. “Look,” Sera points inside the tavern, “That, over there, is a full tavern, but everyone’s drinking alone. They’re all up their own arses about the Inquisition.” She crosses her arms and wrinkles her face, “ _ I _ can’t have fun with everyone whinging. And they’ll fall on their swords before Coryphenus can push them.” Her face lights up which signals to Ellana trouble, “I’m thinking pranks. Set a few up. Knock a few down. You in or not?”

“But I’m the Inquisitor. You know, the leader?” The recent events made her question whether she even belonged in the position. She’s sure others have as well.

“Right, they’ll never suspect you,” Sera beams. Ellana has a non-reaction so she wrinkles her face again, “What, titles are only for getting away with bad stuff? Let’s do something fun. Come on!”

“Sure.”

“What, really?”

“Yes, really.” Ellana rolls her eyes playfully eliciting a giggle out of Sera.

“I knew you were different. Let’s go.”

They go into Cullen’s office first. Ellana was surprised he wasn’t in here, although he was often out training with his soldiers. Sera seemed to know everyone’s schedule or maybe she somehow convinced him to leave the office. She’s been known to send false messengers. 

“You ok if we prank your Cully Wully?”

Ellana stifled a laugh, “Cully Wully? I should call him that later...But no, I can’t wait to see his reaction.”

They decide to slip a small folded piece of parchment under his desk so it would be slightly wobbly. She giggled thinking how infuriating it would be for him.   

Next up was Josephine. They set up a bucket of water just atop her door so when she opened it, she would get drenched. They were moseying around Leliana’s upstairs office when someone called out to them. They get spooked and sprint back to the tavern laughing the whole way. 

“Thanks, Sera.”

“For what?” Ellana shakes her head. Whether she was feigning ignorance or not, Ellana was smiling and laughing for the first time in weeks. If she didn’t know it already, letting her friends in to help her cope was far better than trying to bear the burden herself. Before she could say anymore, Josephine bursts through the door soaking wet. Sera runs away and blames Ellana leaving Ellana stammering. Thankfully, Josephine doesn’t believe Sera and stalks off to find her. Ellana smiles to herself and runs off to meet Cullen.

* * *

The night time was the worst. Where things slowed down and the only thoughts were those that relentlessly consumed her mind. When she hears the screams of her clan, the screams of Envy, and her own.

Cullen made it better especially when she used their intimacy to forget. But, even if she does fall asleep, she is now forced to witness her nightmares as they don't even startle her awake anymore. 

Tonight was slightly better. The more time she spent with her friends, the more normalcy she felt. The wounds are healing or at least scabbing. Perhaps she'll get over the helplessness and hopelessness but it'll be a while.

 


	27. Deal

He stares at the mound of paperwork he had to look through by the end of today. He lets out a sigh and begins his work but it wasn’t long before his thoughts shift back to Ellana. 

Since they’ve been back, things slowly began to resume at their usual pace. Most importantly, Ellana was recovering. It still took a bit more than before to get her to smile but she was getting better at it. Sometimes he catches her when she doesn't think anyone is watching. She stares off into the distance with the same look he first noticed when they traveled to Therinfal Redoubt. Despite his best efforts, the only time he could get past her walls was after dark.

The nights were plagued with waking up from her nightmares or her magic. Sometimes, she'll tell him what they were about and why but she stopped crying since they got back. Overall, he wonders if she's slipping back to her old ways. 

He instinctively reaches up and touches his lips, his thoughts flowing to their nights. He shakes the thought out of his head and blushes internally. They slept next to each other every night and were intimate almost each one. He knows she's just trying to distract herself. He doesn't tell her he knows all this. He needs her to do it first. He sighed and tried to get back to work, recounting the decisions they’ve made recently.

Ellana forgave the Grey Wardens. She allowed them to redeem themselves and work in tandem with the Inquisition. Leliana and he were working to figure out how to penetrate Samson’s armor the next time they encountered him. Cullen couldn’t wait to sink his blade into that traitor’s heart. Dagna was given some of the red lyrium they found at the Shrine of Dumat that was used to forge his armor. They were hoping she could glean on how to undo it. Finally, the Chantry had asked Ellana to nominate either Leliana or Cassandra as the next Divine. Ellana was very unsure about why the decision should fall to her especially upon learning the truth of her existence--how the previous Divine sacrificed herself to save Ellana. Still, not many knew the truth. Although she was also coping with that aspect, she seemed to lean towards nominating Cassandra for the position. Overall, Josephine, Leliana, Cassandra, and Cullen had taken up the brunt of the work so she could recover. Any outstanding issues that could wait were tabled until Ellana could get to it. Luckily, it seemed Corypheus was still reeling from his losses and was not in a rush to press the attack. Although strategically, it would be best to attack him now while he was on the back foot, Ellana also needed time. 

She was working with Solas almost every day to get her magic under control again.  _ Am I jealous? A little, he gets to help her through this. I wanted to be the one to help her with everything but I know I wouldn’t be able to remotely help with this problem. Being honest though, I am generally jealous of anyone that gets Ellana’s time _ . In addition to spending time with Solas, everyone had stepped up to spend more time with her. The other day Iron Bull whisked her off to go drinking with the Chargers. Tonight, Varric had arranged for them to all played Wicked Grace together at the tavern. He looked out his window to check the time. It was about to be dinnertime so Ellana should be meeting him back here soon so they could walk down to dinner together. Right on cue, he hears her distinctive knocking on his door. He smiles, gets out of his chair, and walks to the door to let her in.

* * *

Everyone is already drinking by the time they arrive. They sit across from one another and Josephine begins dealing her cards. They spend all night taking turn telling stories and just forgetting that the world could end by Corypheus’s hands. He catches sight of Ellana when she throws her head back laughing at Blackwall’s story. It was like watching a strange but magnificent creature. Before, when she smiled, it would take his breath away but now--it was something entirely different. Now that he had a comparison, in the past, even when she smiled, it wasn't as full as now. It was like she knew she had to smile in the moment so she obliged but now, the smile and laughter were genuine. His feelings reflected hers; he was filled with glee that she was recovering.  _ She's far stronger than she says or thinks.  _

When the night starts winding down, Cullen gets frustrated by how much he lost to Josephine. Feeling bold, he challenges her one-on-one. Varric tries to persuade him not to but when Ellana tells him to take the loss, his competitiveness kicks in. Dorian suggests that Josephine wins Cullen’s clothes while Cullen could win everything that Josephine has. 

“Deal,” Cullen says feeling pretty smug about himself. 

* * *

He should have just listened to everyone. He can’t even make eye contact with Ellana as he strips the last article of clothing off his body: his smalls. Everyone else is having a field day. They all trickle out of the tavern to save Cullen  _ some _ dignity. Ellana had followed Josephine out. When everyone was gone, he mentally prepares himself to sprint back across the courtyard to his office. As he opened the door to the tavern, he was taken aback to see his cloak in front of his face. He peered behind the cloak and saw Ellana. She was looking away blushing. 

“I begged Josephine for it back. To save your dignity.” She turns away and murmurs, “I’ll see you back at my room.” He lovingly watches her sprint off.


	28. Dareth Shiral

Time seemed to stop moving. No longer going on missions, she had a hard time keeping track of how many days had passed. Ellana’s extensive group of troops and spies now took care of most of the tasks she used to take care of. She didn't like it but had little choice in the matter. If she could not control her magic or her thoughts, she would lose in the upcoming battle to Corypheus.

Solas and her spent a lot of time together. Some days not even casting a single spell. She deeply respected Solas before but now she felt like she had a true friendship with him.

It seemed true for him as well when he asked to speak with her outside of the Fade.

“What’s wrong Solas?” He looked visibly panicked as he paces his rotunda.

“One of my oldest friends has been captured by mages, forced into slavery.” Ellana frowns. “I heard the cry for help as I slept.”

“I’d be happy to help. What did these mages use to capture your friend? Blood magic?”

“A summoning circle, I would imagine.”

Ellana’s eyebrows shot up, “I’m sorry?”

“My friend is a spirit of wisdom,” Solas says matter-of-factly. He goes on to explain how his spirit friend was perfectly content in the Fade but was summoned against its will. He wasn’t sure why any mage would do that for its knowledge when they could just ask.

“All right. Let’s go get your friend.”

Solas’s face lit up as he thanked her. Dorian poked his head over the railing and yelled down to them to let him come. Solas agrees and they hurry to make preparations.

Ellana asks Cassandra to come along as well on her way to Cullen’s tower. Cassandra doesn’t think this is a good idea and comes with her to Cullen’s to convince her otherwise. When they enter his tower, he’s talking to some troops. As he glances at Cassandra’s stern face and Ellana’s smiling one, he sends the troops away.  _ He must know there’s trouble when we both enter with these looks on our faces. _

Cassandra wastes no time, “Ellana wants to go with Solas to rescue his friend.”

Cullen gets out of his seat, “What? No.” He gives Ellana a stern look. “Solas should know better. We’ll send some troops and if Solas wants, he can lead them.”

“It’s a spirit,” Ellana says flatly.

“What?” Cullen and Cassandra say in unison.

Ellana just raises an eyebrow in response. Cullen just sighs as he understands--its Solas after all. She crosses her arms, “I’m not asking for permission. I’m letting you know.”

Cullen walks around his table and puts his hands on her shoulders. “Ellana--”

“I’m fine Cullen, it's been so long. If I continue like this, who’s going to fight Corypheus?”

He looks over at Cassandra and she excuses herself. She closes the door softly behind her and Cullen turns back to Ellana, “Why do you think you have to fight him? We have plenty of troops now--”

“Cullen, if you think our troops can take on an unkillable self-proclaimed God then you’re mistaken.”

“And you can?” he huffs.

“The anchor and...everything that happened in the Fade has amplified my magic.” She looked down towards the ground and lowers her voice, “At least that was all good for something.” He doesn’t respond. She wants to just crawl into a hole somewhere. She didn’t want to talk about this because of his history. “I’ve become something you fear haven’t I?”

“What? No.” He immediately hugs her to him. “I trust you. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t scare me but...I’m scared because magic is unpredictable. I don’t want you hurting yourself and...now it has to be you.” He squeezes her and whispers into her hair, “I don’t want you in harm’s way anymore.” She feels her heart surge with warmth.

“I’ll be ok,” she smiles at him. “Besides, I have this now.” She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a necklace. She got it made shortly after she came back but didn’t want to wear it until she finally got back on her feet. It was his coin encased in its own metal cage. The metal bars curved around in a spiral to make a spherical shape with the metal coalescing at both ends. She handed to Cullen who smiled and rolled it between his fingers.

He looks up from the necklace, “May I?” She nods in response and turns around to let him put the necklace on her. They embrace once again and he sighs, “I still don’t want you going on these missions anymore.”

“I’ll be fine, I promise.”

* * *

 

Right before she left, she was stopped by Mother Giselle in the hall, she asked Ellana to take a quick walk in the gardens. Ellana didn’t have much time before they had to leave but she decided to hear her out.

They walked in a serene silence outside the garden before Mother Giselle began, “Inquisitor. The soldiers say you banished the demons at Adamant,” Ellana flinched at the memory.  _ Does Mother Giselle know? _ She didn’t notice Ellana’s change in demeanor and continued, “And freed the Grey Warden mages. I understand from Sister Leliana that the truth is somewhat more complex, but no less extraordinary.”  _ Extraordinary. That’s the word for it. _ “She said that you spoke with a figure in the Fade that seemed to be the soul of Divine Justinia.”  _ Oh, so that is what this is about. Thank the Creators. _ Mother Giselle stopped and turned to Ellana, “I suspect many of the faithful would like to know what Justinia told you.” 

Ellana let out an involuntary sigh, “She helped me remember what happened at the Conclave. The Maker didn’t give me the mark on my hand--I was struck in battle. And Andraste didn’t send me: the figure everyone saw  _ was _ Divine Justinia.” It felt weird to say it out loud. 

“Ah,” Mother Giselle says flatly. She turns and starts walking again and says, “And how do you feel about what you have learned?”

_ That wasn’t the reaction I was expecting. _ “I’m disappointed. To be honest, I had begun to believe it myself, especially after Haven.” This time Ellana stopped in her tracks. Her voice softened and she didn’t make eye contact with Mother Giselle, “I had believed that I  _ was _ the Herald of Andraste.”

Mother Giselle placed her hand on Ellana’s shoulder, “Who is to say that you are not?” Ellana’s eye shot up to meet Mother Giselle’s. Her eyes were firm but gleaming. “Forget the mark. Forget the figure standing over you as you fell from the Fade. The people needed a sign that in this harsh and unforgiving world, there existed some reason to hope. And they found that in you.” She finished with a warm smile.  _ Hope...in me? _

“But, aren’t we just changing the story to fit how we deem it? Do you think everyone else would believe that? ‘Oh, she wasn’t _ literally _ sent by Andraste, but she’s still the Herald  _ metaphorically _ !’” Ellana shook her head.  _ Isn’t this what religion has always been? To twist the truth into something more fantastical to push their agenda? _

“This is the trouble with metaphors and the educated. A farmer cannot understand the truth of the Maker, so he learns that the Maker is a man, but greater. A mage learns the same thing, knows it to be simplistic, and feels clever for realizing it is not literally true. But a metaphor is not a lie. It is a tool to help people understand something beyond them...and we need such a tool.”

“I don’t need metaphors, I need the truth.”

“Everyone says that, when their lives are difficult. Everyone looks for some secret message. You might look upon the face of the Maker Himself in a vision, but ultimately, even that would be just another metaphor. The truth is that He made this world, and He put us here to learn. That is all you can do.”

Ellana sighed, “I really should get going Mother Giselle. I don’t want to get into this type of conversation right now.” Mother Giselle bowed her head and bid her safe journeys but Ellana couldn’t let the conversation go.  _ Perhaps that’s the takeaway message. Corypheus has power because people believe he is a god. The Inquisition gained its strength through people’s belief that I was the Herald of Andraste. Maybe it’s not about what I believe but what others believe in me. _ Although the conversation got convoluted, Ellana was feeling a little more closure about her encounter with Divine Justinia in the Fade. 

* * *

They pushed their horses as much as they could but it would still take them a day and a half to get there. They rode mostly in silence. Dorian attempted to break the silence a few times only to receive scornful looks from Cassandra. Solas was clearly preoccupied and she was just trying to keep it together. The initial bravery had worn off and was replaced with doubt and fear. Knowing Cullen wasn't close by also didn't help. By nightfall, she knew it would be a sleepless night. She fidgeted with the necklace obsessively, as if it could provide her with enough strength. If Solas noticed, he'd probably be helping her right now by taking her into the Fade and meditating but obviously, he did not. Dorian did, however, and tried to keep her mind off her worries.

“You can talk to me you know?” he asked gently. “I know everyone's been keeping their distance because we thought it was best for you but...I missed you.”

She managed to give him a small smile that was quickly returned. “First time on my own without him.”

“I could cuddle you!” She laughed and Dorian continued, “But I'm taken now--by that oaf.”

“You guys are getting serious?” It wasn't surprising for Dorian but it was for Iron Bull. He didn't seem like the commitment type.

“Unfortunately.” He paused and she saw a flash of worry in his eyes, “Make sure nothing happens to him when he does go off with you?”

“And you'll keep an eye on mine if you stayed behind?” They smile and nod to each other inducing another bout of laughter but she quickly returned to her somber state. “Come to bed?” he asks.

“In a bit.” They both know that was a lie but Dorian walks to his tent anyways. 

* * *

They left at the crack of dawn. Ellana didn’t sleep but she just wanted to get this over with. As they neared, they smelled the familiar tinge of blood in the air. Solas rode ahead and found mages that were killed by arrows. It was probably bandits. The setting was already foreboding and everyone was on guard. As they ventured forth they found distinct claw marks into the ground and bodies that were strewn about. Again, this was not a good sign. They came over the peak of a hill and saw it: a pride demon that was clearly bound.

Solas ran towards it, “My friend,” he said sadly. He let out a low growl.

“The mages turned your friend into a demon,” she shook her head solemnly. “You said it was a spirit of wisdom, not a fighter.”

“A spirit becomes a demon when denied its original purpose.” Ellana could put two and two together. They heard soft footsteps approach them and Ellana immediately reached for her staff. She relaxed when she saw them unarmed.  _Still jumpy._

“A mage! You’re not with the bandits? Do you have any lyrium potions? Most of us are exhausted. We’ve been fighting that demon...”

“You  _ summoned  _ that demon!” Solas snarled. “Except it was a spirit of wisdom at the time. You made it kill. You twisted it against its purpose.”

The mage looked sad and scared at the same time. Ellana had never seen Solas lose it like this, although she was empathetic. The mage stammered out some excuse but Ellana ignored him and thought of how to save Solas’s friend. She snapped out of it when she heard Solas snarl again, “We’re not here to help  _ you _ .”

Her head shot up and her eyes narrowed as looked towards Solas, “No, we’re not.” The mage continues on about something and she hears Solas argue back. She walks forward and begins undoing the bindings. This _should_ work. The mage tries to stop her but they ignore him and get to work. Cassandra has a disgusted look on her face but no one wants to get in-between Solas when he’s in such a bad mood. Cassandra distracts the pride demon as the mages undo the bindings. When they succeed, the demon melts into a female figure.

Solas approaches and apologizes. The spirit declines his apology and tells him she’s happy to be herself again. She asks Solas to guide her into death and with a pained look, he does so. She melts away and Ellana isn’t sure what to say. 

“Dareth shiral,” Solas says solemnly. 

“I heard what it said. It was right. You did help it.”

“Now I must endure,” he repeats her words. 

“Let me know if I can help.”

He gets up and his face has soften, “You already have.” His face twists in disgust, “All that remains now is them.”

The mages approach apprehensively. They thank them and once again explain why they had to summon Solas’s friend. She saw something break in Solas. He marched up to them and yelled, “You tortured and killed my friend.”

They stammered out more excuses, “We didn’t know it was just a spirit! The book said it could help us!” She watched Solas continue to march into their faces. She knew what was happening but she turned away and started to walk towards their horses. Dorian and Cassandra followed suit. She heard the sound but still didn’t turn around. Shortly after, Solas came up to them and hopped on his horse. 

She couldn’t read the expression on his face, “Damn them.” He made eye contact with Ellana but he was clearly looking through her. “I need some time alone. I will meet you back at Skyhold.”

* * *

When they got back, Cullen was standing at the front gate to greet her. She greeted Cullen briefly and quickly brushed past him. There were more pressing matters. Cullen follows on her heels as she went up to Leliana’s office.

“Where’s Solas?” she asked out of breath.

Leliana gave her a brief shake of her head. Ellana pressed her fingers against her forehead. _Did we lose him?_ _Should I have pursued him?_ She paced in front of Leliana. If either of them wanted to say something, they didn’t and continued to let her pace.

“Are you looking for him?”

“Of course, Inquisitor.”

Ellana placed both hands on Leliana’s table and slumped down. Cullen rushed to her side. He cleared his throat and said softly, “There’s something else.”

She jerked her head towards Cullen and saw the concerned look on his face. She braced herself for what he was about to say, “Blackwall is gone.”

“What? What do you mean?” Her heart sank. She stood back up and paced again.

“He left a note--”

“Let me see it.”

_ Inquisitor, _

_ You’ve been a friend and an inspiration. You’ve given me the wisdom to know right from wrong and, more importantly, the courage to uphold the former.  _

_ It’s been my honor to serve you. _

Her eyes scanned the letter over and over. “Leliana-”

“He may be in Val Royeaux,” she reported, reading her mind. “He took one of my reports on the execution of Lieutenant Cyril Mornay that is to happen later this week.”

“Then we leave for Val Royeaux.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay before the next update! I am still working on the story just super busy. Thanks for being patient!


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